Roll Call 112

Yesterday i showed bf a pic of my nephew playing with baby dolls. It turned into a debate because he said hes not gonna let his little boy (if he had one with me) play with barbies and girls toys because he doesnt want his boy to turn out gay because he would be upset. I got upset and started challenging him because i dont think a toddler or very young boy playing with barbies is gonna turn them gay. He doesnt think gay people are born gay. (I KINDA hold that belief too but then i kinda dont. Im on the fence on that because i dont understand it too well. All i know is i know god wouldnt approve).

Anyway, he talked about spanking our kids too. So after the heated discussion i said “so youre gonna beat our kids senseless and make sure they arent gay? What else are you gonna do?”. He took that as me saying he was gonna be a bad father. He said “i dont want to talk about this anymore. I dont like what you are insinuating and im starting to get angry”. And he got firm with me when he said that and i got really scared. I dont like when men (not even my dad) get firm with me or yell or anything. Im real scared of men even strangers passing me by. So i went to another room in my house. My room. And laid down. I got really scared. I got so scared it triggered something in me and i started to get anxious and paranoid. I started having an episode and started started tearing things off my wall. I was about to kick my wall in from anxiety.

An hour later i texted him from my room and asked him to bring me my meds. He did and i took them. But because they dont work immediately i kept having an episode and saying weird paranoid schizophrenic shyt about having demons in my body and i started praying on a rosary. I started saying sui stuff like “i dont belong in this world”. He was sitting at the edge of my bed the whole time telling me i was wrong and that people care about me. Then i kept saying stuff about our relationship and if hes serious about me and all this stuff about myself. Don’t remember exactly. Probably dont remember because i was having an episode. And he started crying real bad and said “i dont like hearing you say stuff like that about suicide and second-guessing my love for you. I dont want people to fear me. I wont get angry like that again. I was just being firm with you because the way you said all that stuff to me about beating our kids senseless. You could have worded it differently. My dad was beaten as a kid and homeless, and he was drunk when i was growing up and i told myself i wasnt ever going to be like how he was treated or how he treated me. I told myself since i was a boy i was gonna be a good father. Im sorry. I wont get angry with you again”. He thought i was breaking up with him again i think. Idk why. Idk why he always thinks im trying to break up with him???

He didnt yell at me or anything exactly but he got firm with me. But i also blame myself for how i talked to him. I dont respect people in general. But at the same time those things he was talking about (not the spanking. But not letting his son play with dolls because he will turn gay and hed be upset) made me kinda worried.

This is the first time something this major has happened between us. I strongly suspect more will happen since i can get kinda disrespectful with people especially when i dont agree with them.

Thoughts?

Those pizzas rock we had two of them last week when the weather kept us in.

What steps do you need to take to get out?

I'm not sure. I know I need to convince a judge that I can take care of myself on my own. It would help a lot if I had a lawyer. But I can't really live in my apartment because I'm still afraid of the stairs. And most nice places cost a lot more.

I could be wrong about this but the few people Ive known who got married in the church had some sort of couples counseling as part of this where they sort through stuff like this with a qualified person acting as referee. Are either of you part of a church? Could you go to couples therapy just while you’re sorting out life goals, I mean this is major stuff and if it’s enough to make you sick that seems like a problem, we don’t want to lose you to the abyss of psychosis.....

Can you move out of the area, I know in Florida a lot of the places are one level and not terribly expensive unless you’re on the water or something.

Thank you

Its not what he said that made me sick. It was the fear of him getting angry at me. At least it was that much. Not sure if i also got sick over what he said about the gay stuff. But it did make me real sad.

But youre right. Some couples are required to goto marriage counseling/couples counseling. Some arent i think. But i have thought that we need it. Im just wondering if the point of that type of counseling is to test the couples and see if they break up or not. Which is why im scared of it.

Hes not religious. I dont think he believes in god at all. But once a year or so i goto a baptist church.

I have a feeling so much of this has to do with my mental illness

I just thought that for example if he started getting too firm a counselor could intervene before it got you sick.


As far as the gay stuff, my bf has issues with that as well. Attitudes toward being gay are a first date question for me because several of my friends are bi.....he answered ok then but subsequently seems grossed out by gay people after the 6 month mark. Of course he has no problems with lesbians so he’s not actually bothered by my friends since they are female. It has little practical impact on us. I’m with Erti on thank god we’re not having kids. So much more to worry about.



One more point though, you’re letting a lot of serious thinking impact the relationship right now, do you really need to know it all at once? Why not take a week and reconnect by just having fun. It’s still early in the relationship you have time.

But im kinda happy with how he reacted to my episode. I mean he didnt freak out or put me down or ignore me. He let me talk and stuff about what was going on in my head. He was mostly quiet tho. But it was the first time he saw me like that. I dont think he knew what to do or understood.

When i started saying stuff about not belonging in this world he started crying... he said he hates to hear me talk like that. But thats how i felt. I also feel like with the mental illness i will cause him a lifetime of pain and crying. I also cant imagine the kids we’d have with him having anger issues as a teen and me being schiz...

He sure does love you that he cried hearing you saying that. I don’t think I’ll ever have kids either. I’m not mentally capable to have a kid. I really want one though but it’s not fair for the kids

I know id be a terrible mother

You may want to hold off on the kids/no kids decision.until you're in your early to mid thirties. I did not have any and in retrospect I wish I had. But I just couldn't raise them on my own.

You may want to hold off on the kids/no kids decision.until you're in your early to mid thirties. I did not have any and in retrospect I wish I had. But I just couldn't raise them on my own.

If there were only a way to have adult kids and grandkids without spending 20 years raising them haha.

Oh shyt

Forgot i put that tattoo on.

No wonder that guy was looking at my arms...

At least its a cross. Out here in rural texas everyone is christian

Gangbanger or nah?

Haha syke

Good evening/afternoon everyone. How are things going?

I'm sorry you had an episode Newtus. I'm not sure I have much words to come up to be of help at the moment, but I hope things improve soon.

I'm good today. Went to the meeting with my social worker and the workshop place. It was a really good meeting. The coordinator worked in psychiatric hospitals before and has a good understanding of mental illness. We discussed my background and mental health problems, as well as my interests, plans for the future, and how I can work in my rehabilitation process at this place. I joined two sets of activities; one is music and the other is computers/media. There will be a waiting period. Could be a couple weeks or possibly several months. My social worker told me if I start late in this, I can move my schooling off by 6-12 months without issue. The schools apparently do this even after you are admitted. So I can take my time with this rehabilitation and work my way up to getting out 4-5 days a week at a gradual pace. I am seriously excited to get back into music and hope to increase my skills.

After coming home from this I helped my Aunt and Uncle with their computers. After that I did a test bench on the kitchen table testing a faulty motherboard we have around the house. I suspect the chipset is what is having trouble. The CPU and memory seem to be okay.

Good evening/afternoon everyone. How are things going?

I'm sorry you had an episode Newtus. I'm not sure I have much words to come up to be of help at the moment, but I hope things improve soon.

I'm good today. Went to the meeting with my social worker and the workshop place. It was a really good meeting. The coordinator worked in psychiatric hospitals before and has a good understanding of mental illness. We discussed my background and mental health problems, as well as my interests, plans for the future, and how I can work in my rehabilitation process at this place. I joined two sets of activities; one is music and the other is computers/media. There will be a waiting period. Could be a couple weeks or possibly several months. My social worker told me if I start late in this, I can move my schooling off by 6-12 months without issue. The schools apparently do this even after you are admitted. So I can take my time with this rehabilitation and work my way up to getting out 4-5 days a week at a gradual pace. I am seriously excited to get back into music and hope to increase my skills.

After coming home from this I helped my Aunt and Uncle with their computers. After that I did a test bench on the kitchen table testing a faulty motherboard we have around the house. I suspect the chipset is what is having trouble. The CPU and memory seem to be okay.