Roll Call 151

So sorry about the panic attack @childofchaos831 HUGS Kit

I think I'm going to get the stuff to make slime. And also clay. Seems like fun projects

I'm happy today. I am relaxed and doing chores without any problems. Life is good.

Going to the food pantry tomorrow

It's so hot outside today. 85 degrees. Battling OCD thoughts and trauma. Being God. Might take an olanzepine. Or it could be autistic thoughts? Who knows. I trip. I cry. I laugh. It's all a joke. And I'm the joke because I take everything so seriously, battling my insignificant problems. Thoughts inserted into my head from the void. I want to be something great because I have a great mind. But I have depressive thoughts. Mental illness. I can't talk about basic things because I am too scared. I'm just saying what I honestly feel. Why me? Why you! I'm not alone! If I could just take it easy and let go. We all need to let go. Our egos are holding on. My heart.. Will it stop? Yes! When? Hopefully in a long time.. Or I could just dieee.. I could just ****in' dieeee.. Anyone could.. but just live. No matter how painful. Everything will pass. It always does. The storm passes, spring flowers appear. You can do anything you want.. Look at the world. Terrible things. But it's all a ball of art. Colourful with patterns. So many people are struggling. If they could just feel limitless and also relaxed, full of energy as we all are in the end and the beginning. The beginning is the end. There is no time. We are time. But it's ok. Everyone knows deep down about their beliefs. They matter nothing. I feel alone and sick of love. Spiralling down down down. Up up we go. Like a balloon. A hot air balloon. Imagine those? They're pretty cool. Life is amazing and terrifying. We have brains but don't have an operating system to use them. Same with our bodies. We put all this bad food into us. If only we had a manual. You understand me, reader. You are important. I want to pass my God likeness to you. You are powerful. Listen to the music, enjoy the scenery. What are we meant to do? We can't control this. We didn't ask for this. No one did. We were spawned out of the void. But you can make it a good place.

In all more seriousness, I'm ok. Just appreciating the lack of control I have over intrusive thoughts. Thoughts telling me that I'm not worth anything because I see that it's all a joke. Maybe people realize that and they just carry on acting. Everyone is just acting. Nothing really matters. Is that sociopathic to say? Idk. Idk anything.

Man das be heat stroke.

It's too hot outside. And inside.

I ate 3 yes THREE servings of salad. Almost everything was from my garden so it tasted awesome. This is the 2nd night in row I’ve eaten eaten like a literal cow.

I really want junk food though. So so bad. But I’m being good...as a whole my family needs to eat better. I’m the shopper and the cook...I model the behavior sooo gotta stop eating like a toddler left alone in a candy store. Ugh. I love junk.
Confession...so desperately needed chocolate last night I ate cocoa mix from the package...in bed so no one knew

I didn’t even log into work today. Fail.

I’m still feeling weird today. Like just out of touch. Not really related to mental illness just like life kicking the **** out of me.
Oh well...this too shall pass.

I'm going to change my perspective.

Everyone else is God. You have all created me. You are all watching me. Not that I'm important. But what I experience is out of this world.

If I could just focus, wake up early in the morning and take my limitless pills and they actually work this time.

But maybe I'm bored and think too much into myself. Need to occupy my mind. But what has happened? Every bit of information scares me often. It's always me torturing myself with my thoughts. I don't want to be like this. Some people do it to themselves. I've seen mad people.

Just my negative symptoms are really bad.

Fresh salads are the best Cocoa mix is good too lol I'm trying to cut back on junk food too

I need to meditate. I will try to do that later today.

It is so hard. I truly crave chocolate/sweet/sometimes salty.

I've been eating alot of salads.

I put croutons on. They also have fried onion ring bits to put on it. I have some. And then like blueberry oil & vinaigrette. Its soooooo good. With fresh romaine lettuce, carrot shavings, etc.

Man, I just signed up to an online dating site and when it comes to matches, it just wont stop loading profiles, I only have like .5 seconds to click a match. Little overwhelmed! That's why I uploaded a new picture of me on facebook, it was originally for the dating website.

It will lure the fishes I approve

I meditated for 5 minutes and then SP and I channeled positive energy and I wrote enlightening Facebook post instead of the scary one that I deleted.

My stomach feels sick. I'm hoping I don't start throwing up. That's the last thing I need.

This would legit be my dating profile;

I'll be meeting one of my brothers for the first time next month, we'll be hanging out and watching movies. He wanted us to meet before he ships out for the Army at the end of August

Gonna go to sleep now. Not sure if I'll be able to sleep. I skip seroquel every few days and then it gets scary and I take it. I'm starting to notice the pattern. Gonna wake up at 7am early to go with my mom to the city at 9am so she can check herself out for the possible breast cancer. I have a feeling that it's nothing. I feel so good so how could I possibly get bad news? It's impossible.

I just hope that I don't feel bad when the sun rises.

I'll post some things that I've been posting on snapchat;

"I was taking selfies and I realize, why do some look different? They dont even look like me? What is the universe doing? I remember I was talking into the camera on a psychedelic and all I saw was someone talking it was like looking at me talking without actually feeling like I was talking. I think body dysmorphia is a form of psychosis. Like you can even look at the same picture the next day and it will be different idk."

I used to do the same thing, skip seroquel randomly, it always turned out bad after a couple days, hope you get some sleep. I fell asleep after 10 and got up at 3:30, up for the day I guess since it's after 6 now

Oh god it's 4:30am and I have 2.5 hours to sleep. All I've been doing is laughing.

I realize that symmetry is just an idea

Edit: Unless particles switch places at the same time, at the same time, which would be a coincidence

Edit: Which is.. nothing..

So people say that if you study physics long enough, you could go psychotic. So my theory of not posting those types of above posts here is a good idea.

But this is analytical. Is everything deeply analytical? What is creativity then? Why don't people with aspergers get psychosis? Is severe autism full blown ego death and psychosis? What's going on here?

In the shallow of my mind is getting into the deep scary stuff. I recommend to myself that I take an olanzepine if I'm going to keep thinking about this **** all day.

Edit: Imagination manifests physical things in reality.

Only some people can handle knowing such things like this. Some people can't handle weed because of trauma or just simply having mental illness where the two sides just are communicating too much already.

Albert Einstein had a large corpus callosum right? (The tissue that carries signals between the right and left part of the brain). His son had schizophrenia. It's genetic like something about the two sides of the brain. They're both intelligent but one (Right) is socially acceptable and the other (Left) is not socially acceptable.

I think I'm going to take my psychosis a lot more seriously now. Like no tripping and not taking my meds.

I don't want to end up too deep. Psychiatrists emphasise this. And it's not about the conspiracy of the individuals belief towards their own illness but idk..

Idk