Roll Call 151

How are you doing?

Good. No weird thoughts. Just so unmotivated.

I might go for a walk cuz I have no idea what to do.

My emotions feel like me trying to sleep while someone is hammering nails into one of the walls of the room.

The interview went really well I think. I think they were slightly impressed but idk that's just my perspective.

Awesome news!😀😀😀

Well done for going Newtus and hope you get it!

Glad the interview went well @newtus

I accidentally dropped my lighter into my tea and now it won’t turn on. Maybe the universe is conspiring to make me stop smoking.

This is such great news!!!!!

I feel terrible.

I phoned my therapist and she didn't really help. She said to go to the gym tomorrow and on monday and then come in on wednesday. I told her that I'm lacking confidence and self esteem to go out and do anything and that I set the bar too high for myself. I said that I've been sleeping way too much. She said to set my alarm in the morning and I said I did that already. She said to get my mom to wake me up.

I feel literally depressed and don't want to be alive in a way where I just don't want to feel like this.

Just wondering but do you have agoraphobia at all? I developed it this year and basically became afraid to do anything.....it’s not just about leaving your house it’s apparently being afraid of fear itself.

Keep having really vivid dreams of nuclear fallout

I deal with this all the time, never have been dx'd with it as I don't go into detail about the extent of it with my therapist or doctor as it's embarrassing. It's hard for me to leave the house or do anything that gives me any anxiety. I have to force myself out and to do things and it's extremely difficult. Could take me weeks to build up the confidence to do something new or go to a new store for example. I'm working on it though.

I'm really afraid of going to places like social gatherings where there's a lot of people. Like what am I supposed to do? Walk up to someone and start a conversation? I don't get how people do that or even want to do that.

I'm afraid to go to coffee places because I don't know anyone. I have low confidence in myself and low self esteem so I'm not just going to talk to people. I have no stories to tell. I'm not interesting because I can't formulate my words and want to talk about really deep stuff. I'm an introvert.

I've isolated myself for so long and just stayed in the basement and the only time I did something was to go fishing with my ex step dad and I hated him. My set and setting is just cold and dark. That's my mind.

I can go to large shopping malls but last time that happened, some old man came over to me and started talking to me about God. I have an open mind and I just felt insulted that he would chose ME to talk about a cult with. I have my own mind and I'm not stupid. I wish people would just stop trying to help me when all they want to do is manipulate me. I can't get help from anyone else and only my therapist which she gets money for and is just a regular person that doesn't talk about the deep stuff that is wrong with my mind that I find people can talk about with me when they've smoked weed for 20 years and practically have gone insane. Other than that, I don't mind large crowds of people as long as they aren't judging me for being there alone. I can't go to places alone and I'm the one that wants to travel the world so Idk how I'm going to do that when I'm hiding in a shell.

I get delusions of grandeur often and it's the only thing that keeps me going. I'm too general with what I talk about but don't pay attention to detail just the big picture so I don't care what types of muffins or different types of chocolate that someone is going to buy. It seems to make them happy though.

So the delusions of grandeur is it anything practical you can achieve or is it off the wall stuff? For me motivation is hard to come by but I feel it with art, even though I’m just mediocre I feel like if I keep trying then I will be able to be great at it someday...

I didn’t realize what it was, I only knew my anxiety was changing somehow that I was having trouble driving especially any place new.

It's both multiple practical things that I can achieve if I do one of them but increased to becoming a famous, rich and inspirational person guided by extraterrestrials and shadow governments that are spying on me (Pronoia). I know it sounds weird and I can't explain more in this state but it helps.

It seems stupid but I always naturally to tap into it because it's like I've decayed into nothing and do nothing specific to build on. Just a bunch of things for like 5 seconds each.

Brb *Interruption - Of course there's an interruption*

The weather has been really ****** here for like two months. I think everyone is miserable.

Why not work on the practical aspects and see what happens?

Finally home.

I'm fkn exhausted.

I drove an hour to fiances house to check on his family.

Hour back but had to get a few things from the grocery.

Finally home...

The non practical aspects is a product of not being able to do practical things :/

I have low practical intelligence!

The people that interviewed me said they will call in week or so. Idk. They said that last time and it was a month. So idk.

Well I can identify many uses for a paper clip but I don't care to do it

@newtus I hope you hear something positive soon from the people you interviewed with.

I'm bored. And I was seriously annoyed a work a bit ago. And earlier today. Coworkers are bugging me today. I just want to put on my headphones and pretend I'm not there. I'm trying to trace an international wire and I can't read the document, and coworkers are bugging me about their commissions when I'm just in charge of administering that, I don't make up who gets what!! Sorry, rant over. I need to go chill under my weighted blanket once I get off of work. Hello weekend, this last half hour can't go fast enough.

Haven't heard any voices today. That's probably good. I kind of miss it though. Anyone else like that?