Roll Call 152

They put me in isolation for part of the evening yesterday with a security guard outside the door. I thought the police were gonna come and handcuff me too. Now I’m at the ward...the possessor seems to have quieted down...for now. I’m scared of everything and everyone. The voices were talking maliciously at me with intent to do bad things, ordering me to do bad things. Someone will murder me here. Now the gatekeepers will use this against me. I hate everything.

There were two spirit friends. Sisters. One was telling me to talk to the nurse station cause they could guide me to enlightenment. One of the guys had no idea what I was talking about and disregarded me. Then my assigned nurse came along to my room, and I told about the spirits. One of the spirits was feisty and saying the other was lying. Anyway, the nurse said it was all in my head, sat in the chair the spirit was, hurt her, and left. The spirit was not happy and left for an hour. Then she turned into a demon later on in the afternoon.

Got through 17 more pages of a book I'm reading. It's been hard to read lately. Also cleaned some

If you’re not on fish oil I recommend it, it helped me regain my reading....

Thanks I'll look into that

I'm excited to see my friend tomorrow!

My goal today is to finish the book I started

The past few weeks felt like my brain was in a blender or scrambled by a tornado, it was very confusing I had times where I would watch videos on YouTube and get confused and overwhelmed, somehow not understanding anything , same with people talking to me, words not making sense

Back from the dentist now I can relax.

I relapsed smoking. Dang it.

My partner said it’s pretty bad psychosis...she has some mental health education at a graduate level in neuroscience background. I’m just like meh I disagree...

I really need to go but have been avoiding it, I'm going to try to go in September though

I'm home

How did writing go?

I'm feeling lonely...maybe people don't know what to say or are afraid of me idk...

I feel good. Just lonely.

I know what to say. I'm not afraid of you. I look up to you. You're great!

Lately I've been trying to think of paranoia and psychosis as a puzzle. There's definitely a way (In your reality) to curve your thinking (Unless it's really intense and you need antipsychotics - Which you do). But still a puzzle it is. Some people just don't get psychosis and they do psychosis inducing drugs and such.

Me being me, I offer a different type of help to you guys.. The knowledge of chemicals and my own mental illness..

Those damn antipsychotic chemicals. They go into our brains and slow down our thoughts. It's what we need.

Recently I've been on the edge of cannabis induced psychosis. Why? I'm an extremely curious person. My mom says that I'm "sick" and don't have insight to the chemicals.. maybe I don't.. I don't know for sure..

But I'm on an antipsychotic. So trust the meds. Make sure it's a sedating med. You need to feel sleepy during the initial phase of recovery from acute psychosis so you feel safer and more relaxed. Some benzos can help but not too much of them.

If you don't feel safe, that sucks.. But you're a really intelligent cookie. Psychosis comes to smart people for some reason. It's like analysing the hell out of everything to the point of error, like an AI. When an AI runs the world, what if it gets psychosis because it's emotions get in the way?

Who knows all these things. We're humans.. Understanding this really bizarre stage of our reincarnations. We're like light bulbs that turn off.. and when we do, we're lost, alone, confused..

We don't know for sure. There's no way of knowing. Yin Yang. The good can't be without the bad and the bad can't be without the good. It's a cosmic game and being awakened as you mention is actually a good thing. People need spirituality to get through everything. Spirituality isn't psychosis or sanity. It's a different thing that is good. No one is in control. Maybe there's no free will but you can make free will for yourself and transcend. Know that you are loved and many people are also suffering. Knowledge is key, awareness, adaptivity, building skills and relaxation.

I remember when I was in the psych ward and all those people that I've made friends with.. We shared odd thoughts like cameras in the metal of the gates, audio recorders in the trees, that we will see each other again in other lives...

Very confusing to me and I can't let those thoughts go. But I don't put too much meaning into them because hell, it was a psych ward. No one wants to be in a psych ward as much as I felt safe to unravel my thoughts in there..

Cuz the real world is where you thrive.. If I was back in the psych ward, I would own my mind and feel like I don't need to be there.. It's time to be in the REAL WORLD. I made it. I was saved. I'm the lucky one that didn't have to go back even though it took a few times of rehabilitation.

I write here still which is ok. Talking about recovery and doinnggg thingss.. etc.. It's cuz the psychosis was environmental idk.. So I'm still in the environment.. interested in psychedelics, the unknown, afterlife, death.. my mom having cancer.. it's all things I think about and constant energy flowing through my brain.. wondering if my consciousness even originates in my brain. What ever I believe is likely to come true.. and there's always exceptions to everything.. It's quite crazy if you think about it so the best thing to say is that everyone is like me.

I've had my rosary on all day because it protects me or at least I feel it does , having it helps me when I'm scared lately

I had to pay the tax attorney close to a grand for him to get me out of the mess with year after year of digging myself out of this hole, but the one thing he didn't fix was taking the 2016 levy off my wages (garnishing wages). It looks like I have to give them an extra $400 a week of my paychecks. sigh... maybe 2-3 weeks and it will be done. And i have to pay the IRS $100 a month which is really cool. I just have this bad feeling he cooked the books and I'll get an IRS audit AGAIN, which cast me $20k the first time. But would the IRS really do that to a paranoid schizoaffective guy when they have an official diagnosis in their hands? Time will tell.

I worked on book 2 for awhile. The story, not the philosophy. Also I wrote a few messages to women on okcupid. I feel like such an... alien or weirdo when I look at their profiles. I searched key words like "philosophy" "Writer" "Poet" "Education" "Romanticism" (I know, I stretched it with that one), and next to no matches. And all these women use "happy" 13 times in their profile, say their hobby is traveling lol, I don't really see them chasing a passion as their side hustle. Everytime I mention im painter and drywaller I get radio silence. I use to be insecure about it but whatever, my friend said I should just use the term "Skilled Tradesman"

This reminds me of a skit C. S. Louis did where he said dating after a long term relationship was like getting out of prison: The cars are moving fast, im dressing funny, the first date is terrible, and I just want to go home and
lol oh life. Will I ever find love again?

Is there some dating app that is better, really better than OK Cupid? I use have a line of women when I was on okcupid 5 years ago. I think I'm too series, and because I have this dad bod going haha. But I'm way more confident, and found my mission in life.

Here, sitting with my cat, Sam. It's been an okay day, so far.


Birdie

Cool I'm relaxing with my two cats right now too

My cat is digging in the trash. Idk why. But she always does that.

Anyone have any ideas what to do?

I'm bored...

Can you get a trash with a top? That's what I have.

Yea I thought about that. And maybe a metal trashcan because she also tips it over and eats in it. Her bowl is always full. I may be spoiling her too much with her chicken treats. Which are basically soft chicken filets.

After every time I eat, lately, my stomach hurts for awhile.

How about a water pistol. Everytime the cat ransacks the garbage, shoot a burst of water at her. I don't know if it will work, but it's worth a try. I feel evil for suggesting it. Someone told me to do that though.

What did you eat? Sometimes it seems like you eat too many carbs that’ll make anyone sick.