Roll Call 157

I’m a lot better about it than I used to be. I’m slowly accepting it but still part of me is resistant lol.

I’m the same way, like geez I can be so stubborn about stuff like this. I’ve gotten better too but sometimes? Yeah that resistance thing. Oof ... Lol.

I had a great therapy session with my psychologist. I had a break through realization, but it doesn't feel like it. I'm still wrestling with thoguhts that are spinning out of control. My life is a wreck right now.

Hey DT glad to see you and glad the therapy went well. Sorry about the spinning out of control wreck part. I updated your anhedonia thread check it out.

I wonder why people are religious. I should have asked the mormons that question.

Rhetorical question. Don't answer me cuz then a discussion will get started and I'll get moderated.

But it just makes me wonder about that and schizophrenia.. Like I was an atheist and was still psychotic.. But psychedelic and pantheist, now I understand.. Yet under stress, I think I'm God when real rationalization of self, others and the universe is all one. With stress, that all goes out the window and I become the simulation solipsist God.

But you're only God if you believe you're God (Or Jesus), but not to anyone else. Instead, you're psychotic.....

That's the funny thing about reality. I thought about genetics and how my mom has breast cancer because of too much estrogen and progesterone which in the womb (With males), they have sexuality issues.. But I wonder about patterns cuz I was looking up difficult IQ questions and being a pantheist I have confidence now that everything in existence is just a pattern of the paradox.. Like people with gender issues are really intelligent cuz male + hormones = female but people can still be attracted to only female.. It's all crazy stuff.. And gays are good at design.. patterns..

Then I think about how my sister will get breast cancer and she'll have children with sexuality and gender issues.. And the father of the human genome project said that genetics are like a code building block of God.. He was a smart guy..

I think I should delete this idk why am I so controversial lmao..

Unfortunately, Tapatalk is still killing attachments.

I fell asleep earlier and missed my regular vape, so I'm using my pod. I think the nurse on duty tonight is psychic because she "walked in on me" twice for no reason. I cleared out some garbage from my vape bag which was good but I am scared about having any supplies in my drawers. For some reason they are very against that. I don't know why. Vaping is not the same as smoking. It's not like I have a pack of cigarettes. I have my pods but I need to get off of them. 60mg of nicotine is crazy. But I don't know why they are so adamant about not letting me keep supplies in my room. What are they afraid of?

Picture of me covered in mask and goggles with my moms ex bf and mountains in the background at the top of the ski hill. A jet stream of wispy clouds and blue sky, a line of mountain peaks with the summits covered in white snow, ski and snowboard tracks leading down the mountain which goes down steep slopes and in between there is a valley of frozen lakes and green and brown (dead) pine trees....

That sounds absolutely beautiful.

What I've learned in my 23 years of living is that rules don't make sense. And they are stupid in a place where I don't want to be.

Yes. But this vape rule is a new rule because I'm the first long term person who vapes here. It's just so ridiculous. I'm the only person who vapes here. Do they think I'm going to chug the ejuice in my drawer?

The cigarettes are under extreme rules too, residents are not allowed to keep their own cigs, they are kept in the smoking cart that accompanies us every smoke break. The cigs are carefully passed out and lit for the residents. It's depressing.

I see - yeah that makes sense. That is stupid that she corrected you!

At the library waiting for a Sims 4 update to download

Went shopping. Got groceries. And some fragrance refill stuff and hand soap from bath and body works.

Interesting popular press article on remitted/misdiagnosed (?) bipolar disorder | Student Doctor Network

Thought this was interesting.....that article I posted of the woman who was told she didn’t have bipolar after many years of treatment....well this is a bunch of pdocs and med students discussing it.

I dont wanna goto that poetry jam tonight anymore.

It’s probably just anxiety, if you don’t push through it, it will come back to bite you in the rear.

Yea true. I'm so swamped tho. Also I'm tired and I would like to just sleep.

This haldol is making me hella tired. I slept til 11am this morning.

I dont think I'm gonna go actually. I got too much stuff to do plus I'm tired. I'll go in January.

Broke yet again, after all these Bill's. And i had to pay a lot for groceries because we been putting off stuff we been needing for weeks. So 250 grocery bill. Fck.

I'm not going to the poetry jam. I got too much shyt to do. I'll try to make it to the one in January. It's a once a month event. But I start college back, in January, so idk.

I'm using my Christmas money I get to pay for new car tires.

Reality is as simple as a paradox where there's always a left and right yin yang but also it's complicated after trying to do that hardest IQ test question. Answer was B but I got answer H. Someone said he had an IQ of 130-160 and said the answer isn't B it's H. We both did calculations to make sure. I don't have IQ that high but it makes me think that life is some type of puzzle as well like I always thought it was and it isn't just as simple as left right, black white, up down, inside outside, round flat, sphere circle, gay straight, male female, start end, etc etc etc.. It is but I can't think of it that way cuz then I'm just lazy and apathetic..

I though you had friends going?

Yea I did. I canceled. I'm tired af. Plus I got something being delivered when I would be leaving to go there. Groceries. Like 250 dollars worth of groceries and idk if fiance will be home in time to get them, if I left. Plus we gotta go get a christmas tree when he comes home. Plus some other stuff. Yikes I'm swamped.