Roll Call 158!

I got up around 5am, excited too I guess

I got a couple more hours of sleep

I have to work until noon and then I don’t have to be back at work until Monday which is good.

Still bitter that I have to work 630-12 while some other people get to work 9-12...

Looks like the pharmacy is closed so I won't be able to start the new dose of Wellbutrin until Thursday

Merry Christmas Eve!

Christmas Scavenger Hunt 2019!

Merry Christmas Eve! I have work today, Church tonight, then a party at the worship minister's house. My sister texted and said they might come in tonight instead of tomorrow. Sigh. First they were coming in after Christmas. Then Christmas Day. Now possibly Christmas Eve. I know it sounds selfish, but I was really looking forward to a quiet Christmas. I don't have to like it (especially as no one asked my opinion) but I do have to accept it. Maybe it will be fun seeing the kiddos on Christmas morning if they do come Christmas Eve. It's just not how I envisioned things. I'm without a T appointment for 13 days. I'm a bit anxious about it. I do have my safety plan in place. I am hoping all will be well. I have the numbers for three hospitals in my phone if I need them. Trying to not SH. Not too many hallucinations yesterday or today so far. Maybe that will be a good sign. HUGS all, Kit

I have christmas with my dad today, about 50 mins until I leave

Hope you have a nice time @falcon09

I keep thinking its Christmas. Probably because my Christmas starts today.

I feel anxious. Very anxious. Idk why.

Sometimes I don’t know about you but when I’m exited it mixes with anxiety?

Me too.

It could be that. I'm not sure. It's either the excitement, or the fact I will have to sign for this package and I look like crap or that I'll miss them at my door and not have the gift for Christmas tonight, OR that I ate too many chicken nuggets. Idk. I also have to walk the dogs today and I get nervous every single time I have to, that I'll be shot or hurt or someone follow me. Even tho the dog park is across the complexes street that goes beside the buildings. It's not like I'm on the other side of the complex, thank god, but still, I gotta cross 1 street and go down 1 sidewalk. Less than 4 min walk. Maybe 2 min walk. 3 tops. I feel safe with Thor, but xena wouldnt help me if someone hurt me. I can only hope people think my dogs look scary. They are both German shepherd mix.

Anyway it could be anything. It could be nothing. I opted out of doing the laundry today. I dont want to be carrying something heavy if someone decides to hurt me,and I couldnt do anything.

I was diagnosed with agoraphobia by a psychologist while doing my ticket to work testing. At first I didnt quite understand, but did, but didnt really believe it. But as time went on, I realized I could be really sick or doing really well, and I still am extremely scared of people and public places.

Do you live in a bad neighborhood? Wondering if your fear that you will be hurt while walking the dog is rational.

I dont know. That's just it. I moved here like 2 years ago, and I really dont know this area well.

I just think of them as sheep or cattle.

Blah I’ll be going to my stepdads moms house sometime today maybe. My stepdads mom said not to bring my friend around because he smokes pot. Blah

Slow day waiting for this package, but my anxiety is gone.

I felt bad for the cashier at the store, this guy was glaring at her and getting all mad because there were a couple people in line and she was the only one working, the other register was broken

Rest of the day is going to be spent reading A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens and watching Christmas movies 😃

Sounds fun!

I'm watching Harry Potter marathon.

That sounds awesome! I'm at work, but I turned on some Christmas music so trying to get holly jolly over here.

Really cool dreams last night. There was 5 scenes and in each scene there was 5 friends that weren't my friend anymore and in the last scene, I was listening to a song in the snow and one of the lyrics were "And we still use oil" - Then my previous friend "Evan" that was chasing me on a bike transitioned into another friend "Michael" and he had a machine gun and all of a sudden I was in a pool and he was firing bullets underwater but the bullets couldn't get to me - But I had to go up to the surface to get air so I did and then all of a sudden I was dead, bullets in my head and I felt the soft pillow as I was waking up and I said "You gave me a pillow".. I was gonna say thank you but I didn't.. Then I said "Thank you". I was writing down my dream to put on Facebook as I was dreaming and as I pressed send, the multiple paragraphs and the phone disappeared and I was like "Welp.. Whatever..".

Then I had a friend "Gary" that took my med box and put an acid blotter on his eye and became blind in one eye.. his eye turned black so he got a handgun and started shooting me and then we got to a place where him and some other guy was holding my head, preparing to shoot my head and I said "Put the gun under my temple and shoot up towards my brain" - Then I pushed the gun with the bone under my temple, turned around, pointed at one of their heads and thought about putting the bullet between both of their heads but I shot it in the air and said "There's no more bullets left".

The night before I owned a pharmaceutical company and I was in a building with fluorescent lights.. Seemed kinda sketchy.. There was about 100 people in desks, drawing molecules with radioactive atoms attached to them.. Must have been my pharmaceutical mind and something to do with my moms radiation... The molecule drawings were perfect and beautiful..