Roll Call 167 :)

We’re still on patio seating here...Ive gotta do Laundry today too...it’s always a competition here though so it will be much later tonight. Bfs mom washes like two loads every day....I have no idea where she gets so much to wash.

Was asleep and fiancé just woke me up prematurely. Now I got a headache. I’ve been up since...I think 7 or 8am. It started with worrying about my cat and feeling lonely without her.

Last night was like I was psychotic. I heard such loud singing and music and i googles it and it said could be hearing loss. I been asking people to repeat themselves for like months now. Seems to be getting worse. It said hearing singing and music couls be hearing loss. Anyway, I need my ear wax cleaned out yearly. Haven’t done it. Plus I am so sleep deprived and also sick with episodes right now.

So many delusions trying to boil out of my head. I couldn’t stop looking over my shoulder last night cuz was afraid someone was coming up the stairs. Thought I heard em. Idk. Looking every 1 min. Literally. I had to stop cuz I was annoying myself. It was becoming too much, to keep looking I mean.

I heard a full rock band playing, oldies music after, and a man singing in a choir after that, before I fell sleep. Very loud and clear and distinct. I’m scared I’m losing my hearing. My ears itch all the time too inside. I think I just need my ears cleaned out idk. Cuz I wear a shower cap 90 percent of the time in the shower. So my ears don’t get cleaned by water or nothing. I cover them.

Anyway.

That's strange lol

It's so much easier doing laundry here than it was in my last apartment. There I had to carry my clothes a mile to the laundromat and pay to do it. Now it's in my building next door to my apartment and free

How can I know so much about schizophrenia and stuff, and reading all that back, it sounds like I’m slowly losing my insight into psychosis? Idk.

If it can all be explained by psychosis why assume it’s hearing loss? Horses not zebras

Insight is like that....

Sounds like time for a med change...

Part of psychosis is that we are not able to see reality as it truly is. We are living in our own reality. If we had perfect insight that our (mistaken) reality was the correct reality, well then, we would not really be psychotic...

Knowing so much about a disorder doesn't change the fact that you have it and will experience symptoms of it, which often includes lack of insight. For example a person can have cancer and know everything about it, yet it wouldn't change the fact that person has all the symptoms.

Yes and I think that’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to come to terms with.

Sometimes I feel like knowing so much about it, I am immune to getting sick like I used to be. Then stuff like this happens and just so scared and embarrassed for anyone to see me like this.

You don’t need to be embarrassed.....we’ve all been there, you’re among friends.

I feel like my head is full of cotton, like I'm a complete space cadet with no emotion, like that moment where youre in a plane and the altitude is rising and rising, and all you can think about is the pressure in your head, making you feel numb.

I don't think I can date and be like this. To be so emotionally removed from the world, and try to form a relationship on what? Life sucks.

It’s possible you’ll gain emotion by dating....sometimes the emotions have to be strong to break through.....

My care manager just called to check in with me

Job I kinda wonder....have you had mania in the past? The level of “normal” emotion is so low compared to that it might seem like you have no emotion, but for example you responded emotionally to starting an OK cupid account....it was a negative emotion but still an emotion.

So much trouble starting my homework today...setting a deadline of 3pm to start or at least go through the motions....

My PCP telehealth appointment went well. She refilled the asthma inhaler for me and put me on a maintenance asthma medication as well. My labs are good, which I knew because I got a copy of the results, except that my A1C went to a 5.8 which I am not happy about. She just said stay away from sweets. I don't eat tons of sweets but I can cut out the cookies from my lunch and things like that. The one thing is that I like soda too much. I don't think I can give that up. But liver, kidneys, cholesterol, glucose was all good. And best thing is that I got my asthma inhaler refilled. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Don't have to go to urgent care now.

Hope you can get to starting it SP. Once you start it's usually easier to work on. It's the getting started part. HUGS Kit

Watching the new Pokemon series, Pokemon Journeys on Netflix

My sister randomly gave me this hello kitty mcdonalds toy the other day when she dropped off my pizza stone lol

I never felt mania until my doctor put me on a SSRI and that sent me spiraling--for the first time in my life--in bipolar ups and downs, tearing the fabric of my brain, and then making me suffer anhedonia from then on. It caused brain damage.

Personally I've been thinking about meaning lately in my own life and things that give me meaning. That helps me get through anhedonia, I don't know if it'd help you. What's something you really enjoy?

Something that helps me getting hw done is setting short timers. It works for me.

I set one timer for 25 min, work for that entire time, then I take a break for 10 min. Then I repeat as many times as I need/want. Maybe that would help. I sometimes get really distracted but the timer helps me focus.

That psychiatrist ruined my life. I came to him with paranoia and delusions, and left overweight, anhedonic, panic attacks, and with bipolar symptoms.

Every med he gave me gave me irreparable side effects. Wellbutrin gave me panic attacks for 6 years because his philsophy was always to up the medication, and try the most powerful meds, instead of meds that are less dirty.