Roll Call 167 :)

Fall is the best but after being cooped up so long summer will do....

I want to feel ok for once. I want back the hours of sleep I spent on the antipsychotics in general... Clozapine I'm on doesn't make me sleep a lot. I don't want to sleep my life away. I don't knoiw what happens when you die. I want to live. I want to see the beauty of what the world has. I want to be around like minded people.

Don't mean to be a big downer, but in my experience as an adult in relationships, some pretty lengthy, pretty much every partner/GF/whatever I have had has been really only interested in one of three things: Money, power, and sex. Maybe there are some folks who do care about other things, but I certainly have never met her.

College and grad school were that time for me....I hope you find a place and people that give you what you’re looking for...

Sorry that’s been your experience....

That's the thing. My first hospitalization was when I was a senior in high school. I graduated high school and things got increasingly worse. I took almost full time hours at work and full time college... I switched schools and went to Cincinnati. Had a terrible episode and if things didn't happen the way they did I would probably be dead. I ended up in the hospital... for 2 weeks and then sent off to a homeless shelter because I refused to go home to my moms house because at the time he was mentally abuses and threaten to beat my ***. Then my ex's parents offered me to live with them. I eventually did. then after my mom seem to be more understanding I moved in with her... only on later that year my ex broke up with me. got on SSI and medicaid medicare.... After my ex broke up with me his and what was suppose to be my friend ended up stop taking to me and ended up hangout with my ex more and pretty much without inviting me to thing and such.

I just haven't had much opportunities besides online and people at the hospital to have much interaction with because things are bad. I'm not doing enough. I need to do this... I need to do that. I need to stop being a lazy ***** and do something with my life. I just want to die sometimes...but sometimes when things get too good it feels like it'll collapse and will go to hell. I dont want to feel like I did when I've been ghosted for talking about my family issues and that I was talking about suicide and that I'm a lost cause. Then there's other friends that ghosted too... I guess I'm not worth their time and energy.

Existential crisis.

I want... Idk.. Should I take drugs?

No.. Don't take drugs...

There must be some other way lol

omg

I'm going to learn about space

And anyone that tells me that I can't do that - Off with their head.

Because it's better than drugs.

I want to go back to not knowing the truth.

Anything is better than being God

Oh **** i feel so sad but have hope

I've been crying every other day for the past month

Listened to nostalgic songs and then a creepypasta called "I don't know if I'm the test subject or the researcher" came up in the list of songs. It was half an hour long.

I listened to the whole thing. I'm wasn't even sure what creepypastas are. They're kind of creepy, boring and funny.

I'm laughing now. I've gone mad.

I'm in the realms deep of madness. There's so much confusion, nonsense.. Nothing makes sense. I have to make sense of it.

I try not to freak myself out but this is the way it is.

I'm listening to songs that I listened to as a kid. That time was horrid nonsense. I am nonsense. Everything is nonsense.

How about a big sleep, Des?

OMG me too!

Re existential crises, I know they're not fun. Have you tried anything that can bring you back to the moment though? Like a grounding technique? Such as focusing on your breathing or sensations in the body or something like that? I know I'm totally going out on a limb here, meaning that I don't know how existential crises are for you, but for me, sometimes things like meditation help.

Also finding something meaningful to do can often help existential crises. Idk, just some food for thought.

Yeah I might as well do that soon. I don't think I'll ever be sane again after knowing what I know.

I'm sorry guys. I feel like I've let you all down to have lost touch. But on this side it's ok - I understand music better. Just as long as I'm not paranoid, it's ok.

I feel fear, sadness, happiness. I shouldn't identify with intelligence just because people have told me that I was smart all my life. I'm just gonna let go.

I'm safe, everything is ok. I might have been in a mind state where I was so sane and everyone else knew the meaning that I know now.

Life is beautiful - sad, etc.. It's just life. Sia: "I'm still beathing - I'm alive".

Oh wow. Sorry to hear. That isn’t my personal interest. Money is great, but I hope to be happy ultimately. Money won’t do that, I already know that from experience growing up into money. (Which I no longer have since my parents divorced and I’m also almost 30 now). My fiancé describes himself as a simple man. There’s also a song he likes a lot by that same lyric in the song. Maybe that is the name of it idk. I can’t recall rn. But he’s even much more “simpler” than me. In some way, I fight to make money so my children will have it somewhat comfortable. Him...he just wants to be happy and is happy with anything he has. I’m learning how to undo the money-tied-to-happiness Mindset. Growing up with money and getting whatever I want is hard mindset to get out of. Especially when u realize other people don’t have it that way. Which I didn’t know until about 22-23 years old.

I’m slowly learning, but I’m learning. He’s been teaching me to be happy with what I have and the people I have in my life. If anything, I personally want more friends. I have quite a bit already but so May are either 1 - online 2- never want to hang out but live close, like ever, or 3 - live real far like an hour away or more, maybe even in another state.

I yearn strongly for friends so badly. Friends that WANT to actually be with me.

I can’t sleep

I’m stressed out. I miss my cat. She’s with my mom right now. That’s an hour away or more. More like 1.5 hrs away from me.

I’m so lost without my cat by my side. She’s such a big part of me. she’s only gone temporarily but it feel like my left arm is gone. I’m sad.

Awee <3

...

There's an aneurysm or something in my leg that started half an hour ago. It's really bothering me.

Hey, newtus. I really hope you can make some more friends. I find it quite difficult. It sounds like your fiance is very solid--congrats.

So, get in the car and go get her.