Roll Call 172

I'll be mentally unstable as long as I'm in this environment and don't have a study room

My therapist randomly texts me. Something she started doing a few weeks ago. She never did it before. It's really strange. She texts me appropriate stuff like "thinking of you" or "hoping you are doing well" but it's still random and out of nowhere. Any one else's T ever initiate contact?

I felt strange not answering T's text so I texted her back and let her know about Esther, my cat.

She could be doing that to other patients as well cuz of the state of the world.

Good point Desoxyn. It just sort of freaked me out because she just started it a few weeks ago and I didn't understand why. It just seemed random to me. T can be random sometimes but sometimes I worry about her. I also don't want to be dependent on the texts and then have them suddenly stop. Bewildered mostly.

looking back on yesterday...really bad disorganized speech

I wish I could text my therapist.

I was a little enthusiastic with emails at work today. Didn’t say anything weird though. Just like Yup! And Thank you!!! And stuff.

I talked my work friends heads off on Snapchat Hahahah.

I got my med refills after work. I feel a little calmer after drinking a kombucha (it’s got like 1% alcohol so it’s a bit calming) Hahhaha. I would have gotten drunk probably if I had booze. Oh well. I ain’t got the money.

I thought about buying 10 more lottery tickets when I was out but we never stopped at a gas station and I forced myself not to ask to stop.

Otherwise feeling better.

I did buy a lottery ticket yesterday. Maybe I’ll win the $60 million!

So my new roommate stole my devil dogs and left an oatmeal cream pie in its place. Not a good development. Now I'll never know if she's stolen stuff, etc. I don't feel very well. Having cramps and I don't know why.

having a lot of anxiety here lately. I keep getting the feeling that I'm gonna die. Not sure what or why but I don't even want to get into a car because I feel like it's gonna crash and kill me.

My book is finally ready!

tempted to ask pdoc for a PRN antipsychotic, much like tweaky and olanzapine

Yep! They're good

Clozapine - Olanzepine.. nono.. Can't mix pines and pines.. or dones and dones.. But you can mix pines and dones..

Although you can if it's a low PRN dose maybe.. 5mg olanzepine and a moderate amount of clozapine maybe harms no one..

I've been taking my PRN olanzepine every night.. Just kills psychosis.. Although has made me fat

I had a BBQ picnic outside by the lake.. My mom made Greek salad and made hamburgers.. Then we swam in the lake... Cool water not too cold.

I'm afraid of having another panic attack

my therapist has another patient on clozapine, he has PRN haldol. Maybe I'd get a PRN FGA

Haldol is like a done! Pine and done..

Plan set good

Think I'll watch netflix and laze about. But it's so hot.. Like 85 degrees F

Nah I'm gonna watch the news for entertainment on my TV

Burning alive here solipsistic hell

Edit: Nah it's not really entertaining.. I just need to know what's going on.. Yet at the same time I shrug my shoulders like.. I can't handle 7b peoples problems.

But first I'll read that magazine on mental health.

I have to exercise my mind or else it will deteriorate. It's just hard to unwind when I dissociate. I am blind in this weird state.. Ok i stop rapping now..

"32,950 Trackers & ads blocked"

I don't notice a difference. My mind is a natural ad blocker..

Thank you so much for caring, newtus. I am very grateful for you.

0338 hrs. Totally and completely wide awake. 1 hour of sleep in past 47 hours. Gonna start getting psychotic again. Already seeing yellow tracers. Threw back a pound of Depakote to bring me down, but it takes a couple days usually for me. I have more Trilafon if I get psychotic again, so, that's good. Will stay home, no emails or texts or phone calls. No letters sent. Just chill and stay home. No online shopping of any kind. I will make it. Done this before. Doc knows. Nothin' else to do.

I can finally do the 2nd row in crocheting!

Yay bluebird!

Morning. Been throwing up since yesterday. The Endometriosis is acting up. Have fever 🤒