Roll Call 173

I went for the hike - Reached the top. 15k steps and 31 floors climbed.

I feel different.. Like I can't possibly panic after that..

Just gonna unwind now..

I took the dog for a walk and I feel a bit better. Stupid work stuff.

Doctor doesn’t really want to give me benzos.

Hiking is great. Walking in general is great for me. I love the outdoors.

I feel like I took ketamine from the exercise and I swear that I didn't. Take this advice from me because I've tried ketamine.

It's almost a relaxation from my thoughts, feelings, etc.. It's just an "aaahhh" feeling.. Relaxing..

I'm learning life as I go along.. Just taking a while.. Things will be ok.. I feel a little sad.. But happy too..

Just a little scared of covid ect..

You can have high functioning anxiety (My mom has this) but for me it's panic attacks and too apathetic to have generalized anxiety...

My main anxiety is social anxiety. I’ve had dissociative states before that my doctor has said could be panic attacks. Like I can have a conversation with someone and start dissociating it’s dumb.

The psychiatrist has said before I’m ‘high functioning’. Like they didn’t want to diagnose me as schizophrenic because I’m ‘too high functioning’ whatever that is supposed to mean?

Working on this coloring page

Okay here it is finished

kinda wanna pull an all nighter

Basically, I know my schizoaffective disorder came from stress. I'm not trying to eliminate all stress from my life because that would be unrealistic. But grad school became too stressful for me. It's not something I want to do with my life. So I just quit. Anyway, that's fine. I am happier having done that. I remember when I was in high school and first had a psychotic break it was because of stress and because I was pushing myself to the brink with academic pressure. That's why I have always sort of had a love/hate relationship with school. And so after high school, nothing was ever the same with school. I am glad I made it through undergrad, but I don't need a graduate degree. It's too unstructured for me. And I don't see myself becoming what the program purports to help me do, anyway. So I think I made a wise decision. I have also decided it is something I want to do to help people. Thus, I am trying to apply my efforts towards teaching and community service, etc. I think that would be good.

I probably am too because I slept till 1 pm today so I'm not really going to be tired for a long time, might as well just stay up all night, get an early start on the day tomorrow

I'm throwing my coffee out tomorrow. I can't tolerate it anymore because of GERD.

Why not?

Bootafull!!

Good for you, Asparagae.

Hugs.

He’s not really that much for prescribing benzos in general. Maybe also because I have a habit of getting obsessive he might not want me to accidentally become addicted which is fair. I can survive.

Good morning..

I had depersonalization last night but the talk with my doctor yesterday helped so I was more of a calming voice to myself and then the zopiclone kicked in and it went away..

So when Vyvanse wears off, I get depersonalization/derealization.. When the zopiclone kicks in, it goes away..

Good morning all. I am now looking for a job. I applied to like six jobs last night, so that was good. I hope I get some calls or emails today.

Off to work now. I'll be reading after work or might do an online course cuz it's cloudy outside - Not nice to sit outside on the lawn chair and listen to podcasts.

Just waiting for a sunny day.. It's suppose to be in the 90's (F) next week again. Nice!

I took my meds really, really late past 2-3 days. Cuz I’ve been sleeping during the day. Which I think is making me hypo, taking them late. Took it on time today.

Why does zopiclone help, Des? GABA release?

Hugs.

It works better than benzos. The mechanism of zopiclone is being a hypnotic.. it does something specific to GABA receptors that benzos do but stronger I think..

It could be the cause of my dp/dr idk

I took my Vyvanse at 6am this morning.. kicks in at 7am + 9 hours = 4pm. I'll try and go to sleep at 6-7pm to avoid this.. Have more time in the Saturday and Sunday morning to do things..

I think I might avoid the heart symptoms or blood pressure by taking the atenolol at the same time as the Vyvanse in the morning instead of a few hours after.. so on Monday morning, I can sleep in beyond the 12 hours that I last took it..

So far I'm analyzing the situation lol it's getting better..

Took a shower. Drinking coffee. Who am I kidding, I can't quit coffee. But I will cut back. Anyway, I'm going to take a long walk downtown later. Don't feel up to it but I'll be glad I did once I go.

I feel like crap today emotionally.

Coffee is very difficult to quit cold turkey. It also makes you feel crappy when you quit it outright. In my experience with cutting down on coffee, I have had to do it really, really gradually or else it'll make me feel terrible.