Roll Call 176

Yes I’m aware. But shouldnt pdoc know nows not the time to try to get good sleep in this world

I just spent an hour pacing back and forth due to fear to moving a cable inside the computer to the right a few centimeters. Thought it would electroshock me and I would die or be brain damaged. Should’ve maybe worn my esd bracelet but idk.

Im talking with my 4th pdoc over the phone tomorrow. I had been without one for 4 months. Mental health centre keeps telling me to be patient i have been without a case manager for 2 1/2 months after my case manager went on mat leave. I have been sick now for almost 2 weeks. At first the er doctor thought i had pneumonia so gave me antibiotics which i had an allergic reaction to which could have killed me. I got tested for covid and it came back negative. I sleep most of the day away with this cold. And wake up at weird times in the afternoon. There was one day the day before i went to bed at 9:30pm and the next day woke up at 5:30pm.

Covid has begun its second wave and they talk about how the results are high meaning its that day but its old news when it takes 2-3 days before you get results. My friend is being funny she told me at first she is sick of covid but then freaks out that i might have covid. I dont understand her anymore. I try to inform her about what's going on in the world but all she wants to talk about is the opioid crisis.

I bought these cool lamps at first the person only had one made then told me i would have the other one in two days which would of being the 30th of October. i didnt get the other one until November 3rd. They even even were so nice enough to tell me that others were looking to purchase that one. I gave them a bad review on fb markerplace. They told me they had a day job which i thought they only worked 5 days a week not 7. Turns out we knew each other through another a person. I felt like i was screwed around and they didnt practice proper business etiquette.

I have been awake 2 hours but i am still exhausted. I have a zoom meeting at 5pm which is in an hour. Which i see a counselor that i pay $20hr out of pocket.

The provinical government here gave an extra $300 since March. As a covid supplement. On disability and welfare income. We are waiting on election results to see if they got back into power. To see if the $300 will be extended into the new year.

I wish i was a bear and could hibernate all winter.

I took phenibut and d-amph to stay awake last night and listen to music. I had a good time finding new songs.

I went to bed at 5am and woke up at 6pm - It's 7:30pm now.

I spent a bit in the dark on Discord with a nightlight on. The whole house dark. No one is home. I feel alone.

My sister is gone to the city and my mom drove to manage the second hotel an hour away.

I feel depressed. I should read. I wonder if I should stay awake for 24 hours and then sleep and show up for work at 9am on Saturday or I should sleep tonight.

I'm doing reasonably ok. I wish I had friends IRL.

I am just writing some tonight. Reading and writing. Always good for me.

I woke up at 4am i went to bed reasonably early but now. There is no one awake all the night owls have gone to sleep since its now almost 6am.

I have a new pdoc phone call today. I have things i have written down to ask. So i am prepared on that front. I wish the pdoc would do zoom calls. Would make it easier to talk to and get to know. Phone calls are just easy to get away with body language and the personaly connection is lost easy.

I talked to a student counselor last night who came in with an agenda to fix my "anxiety". I had anxiety because she didnt send out the zoom call invite until 3 mins before our session. And was 5 mins late before she connected. I tried to explain to her that she would have anxiety to and that if a clinician was suppose to give her if she was the client ample time to get ready she would fret to. Then the clinician connected 5 mins late without an apology. How would she feel? She basically tried to divert me from how i was feeling or asking her the question.

I became seriously angry and frustrated. I told her i dont need to be fixed i am not a science experiment i wanted to use my time to decompress my week not look at charts and diagrams about anxiety. I also said this isnt school this real life i am not a subject in laboratory thats part of an experiment.

After my session i emailed her supervisor. I said i look forward all week to talk and then i am being told i have to be "fixed". I dont take this lightly but shes going a different direction then me. She might always be a student and may never be a good counselor. I said you pick good students to work with you and your a brilliant Phd. Clininical counselor but she continues to miss the mark.

Good morning!

Today is my dads birthday. He’s 74! FaceTiming him cuz he’s gotta goto work today.

That's exactly what I used to do! It always cycled away from me though. My favorite time to get up was around 3am. Alfred Hitchcock Presents would just be coming on and I'd have my coffee!

Definitely taking a break from all things fast food and heavy carbs

Esther ended up having to stay overnight at the hospital. I'm a little stressed about it....she's never been away from home before overnight since we adopted her 16 years ago. I hope she is being well taken care of. We have never had any of our pets hospitalized so my Dad went with one of the recommendations from her regular vet and chose the one who could get her in yesterday. I am hopeful we can bring her home today. I am working so I left a list of questions for my Dad to ask the vet and we'll see what he says. Managing her diabetes just got way harder! I am hoping the doctor will give us some good directions on how to treat her diabetes and what to do for her. We dropped off her overnight bag which included insulin, an ice pack for the insulin, syringes, and food and so I got to see the vet hospital. It looked clean and the office staff seemed friendly. I reminded them that the insulin needed to be refrigerated and they were like yeah, we'll do that. So I hope they did otherwise the insulin will go bad. It was weird not having her there this morning or last night when I went to bed. She usually sleeps with me for a while when I go to bed.

Still feeling suicidal. Ugh.

Fingers crossed for esther

Definitely thinking bout Esther too SK! Thoughts are with Esther!

#prayersforesther

Sending prayers for Esther, SK

I’m PMSing. Still having flu as well. Too depressed to do anything today. All I did was lying on bed watching YouTube.

I’m bored

Slept another many hours

How do you feel?

My friend just dropped off the expansion set to the card game I gave him money to pick up for me

Drinking on my own again...

Cool!!!!

Awe, unsure, you aren't alone. You have us!

Thank you

What the hell is going on with trump?