Roll Call 182

I slept all day too. I feel lousy about it but I can't seem to make it better because I have so many sources of anxiety right now. Just trying regardless of results.

Hyper focused and obsessing about calories. I know realistically I’m not eating enough but I don’t want to eat more than this number.

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I’m going to talk to my mom later about what’s going on. I need to be smart and safe.

i think thats wise. your mom just wants to help. hope it goes well for you

My scheduled reminder hits harder today.

I feel like garbage again. Can't work or do things.

It's hard to advocate for myself when I feel this way.

I told my mom. She’s concerned about me. Said that i seemed off the last few days and it makes sense now. She made sure I took my night meds. She’s worried now. I feel bad making people worry.

So sorry unsure...

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Thinking of having some Carolan's Irish Cream. Not sure if I should though. I'm in a bad mood, I feel aggravated for some reason

edit: I ended up getting a glass of it. Alcohol generally doesn't put me in a bad mood so I should be okay, it won't make things worse

I'm kinda proud of myself - I finished that ridiculous proofreading job.

I think I need to work on gradual exposure to being outside and in public, I think being so used to being 100% isolated is what caused my panic attack today

My sister's friend has a friend who runs a kitten rescue and eventually they're going to help get me a cat

For me, I did a lot today. It's just so much nonsense. I had depersonalization an hour ago but the olanzepine, atenolol and 0.25mg of clonazepam kicked in and I feel better.

My sisters cat got outside and won't come back - It's bothering me. My sister is quarantining at the hotel. My mom is visiting a friend so there's no one home.

I just started to feel an impending sense of doom. It could be because of adding the Dexedrine or from taking too low doses of phenibut like what happened last summer.

I want to write about what I did today for my memory but I'm just gonna go to sleep. I feel like I can't handle anything when I get dissociation.

My brain feels fried. The cat could be meowing all night - Idk why she ventured further away.. It's annoying. I can't control anything - The world, pandemic, money, my own mind..

Eh nvm I'll stay up for a bit. I feel so much better that the olanzepine, clonazepam and atenolol kicked in. Much calmer.

I had a thought that I would never be the same again. It's like my whole mental state completely changes to being on a psychedelic trip and that I'd trip forever. The psychotic delusions don't help either.

I need to buy foot warmers. My feet are ALWAYS cold while dissociating.

I remember when I was a kid, my mom would have like 100-200 CD's for playing music and I remember listening to those songs.. My parents would party a lot and it was some of my best childhood memories. I'm gonna ask her which one's they were because whenever I stumble upon hearing any of those songs, I feel good...

So now that Tapatalk is "fixed" it logs me out Everytime I just close it, and it logs me in to post, but won't let me login to quote anyone. As usual the Tapatalk devs are on another "ruin it" phase.

I've had a headache coming and going for weeks now, maybe because my left eye is losing crisp sight. A eye doc here said I have the beginning of macular degeneration. I don't know if she's just seeing all the scar tissue I have or actually diagnosing MD. It's a depressing prospect. They put needles into the eye. I wonder if I could be unconscious during all that. I was during my initial retina repairs in 1984, and during the cataracts removal a couple of years ago.

I started off the day very content.. And then it got so crazy, akathisia, stress, a depersonalization attack, sadness and now ending the night as content again...

do u ever have a dream and in the dream u have to pee really bad so youre looking for a bathroom in the dream. then u wake up and you have to pee really bad for real

Every morning

For the first time since 2015, did some yoga poses on the floor in the bedroom. Made me feel slightly better physically and more limber. But I’ve had a headache for like 2 days now. Should be gone in another 2 days.

I have such a busy day on Saturday. Have to take Amelia to the vet at 9:45 AM. She isn't sick, it's just time for a shot. I hope I can get her and then get her in the crate. That's not always easy. I had to call them once and tell them it wasn't happening today and they were cool with that. I mean, what can you do, it's an animal with their own mind about stuff. Then at 11 AM I have therapy. Then at 3 PM I am meeting my friend for religious studies.


On Friday I am going to the DMV to try to get my REAL ID. I hate the DMV. And I never fly. But just in case I need to sometime, then I'll have it.

I can’t for the life of me keep a written schedule. I always ago off the beaten path of schedules.

Feel better today. Medicated! It takes a while for them to kick in though, of course.

I feel hyper and distracted but not as psychotic.

My mom is worried about me. Making me take my meds in front of her. I mean, I don’t blame her.

I signed up for an IOP. I am doing it. Finally. Haha. Gonna get my life back together.