Roll Call 182

Doing alright today. They are changing my meds. Apparently Latuda can help me. Potentially. That should be interesting to try. I am pretty hopeful about it.

Anyway, have to teach tonight. A little anxious about it. I think I am going to do some visualization so that I can get through it okay.

I hope Latuda can help. Latuda kept me pretty stable for like three years (until earlier this year, of course) and I still take it now. Keeps a lot of the crazy away.

I hear it's very expensive in the states though so I hope it's not too expensive for you.

I slept from 2am-2pm.. Usually I sleep from 12am-12pm.

I'm too dependent on the Vyvanse. I think the evening Dexedrine could be causing me to be even more tired before I take the Vyvanse the next day.

It makes me scared for if it ever gets taken away.

Maybe my mind is going crazy because I don’t have anyone professional to talk to next week.

Silence. No psychologist, no doctor, no psychiatrist. White knuckling it next week and it freaks me out.

13th is psychiatrist. 14th is psychologist. 19th is doctor.

Maybe I’ll email my psychologist ask if she’s free next week. I could use some kind of support. She specializes in anxiety and OCD so maybe she can calm me down.

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There I emailed my psychologist. Probably won’t hear anything until Monday and even then her schedule will probably be full. Oh well, at least I tried.

I should talk to my mom but it’s so uncomfortable.

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I really don't feel like teaching tonight.

I understand what it's like seeking support from others.

I often try to run things by my parents but often they don't understand and I just feel awkward talking to them about my mental health. I know they care though.

Wondering about it suggests that it is worth investigating even if it is ruled out. It can still be helpful in determining what is going on.

Doing some research into ASD is a very good suggestion to see if you identify with it. There are a lot of good websites, books and videos on the topic.

My psychiatrist recently told me that most people don't fit neatly in a diagnosis.

I realized I'm trying to do too much. Work, school, and volunteer. I just cut out one volunteer opportunity that I had been doing. It was just too hard.

Yeah so the Latuda was gonna cost $949 with the discount card. I was appalled. Anyway, can't afford that.

**** that’s awful. I don’t understand why drugs are so much more expensive in the US.

Here before insurance it’s $450 for three months and my insurance usually takes care of it all so I’m left paying $0 out of pocket until like September and even there it’s like $50.

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I was reading a book called "Short history of nearly everything" and the author starts by talking about people in history and how we came to measure the earths distance from the sun, the weight, mass etc..

And all of these people that made the greatest scientific discoveries were quite weird people. And it made me think and Google "Autism and schizophrenia blogs" - I found this article;

How Is Creativity Differentially Related to Schizophrenia and Autism? - Scientific American Blog Network

It would be interesting for you to read @Cog

It makes me think about how I was insanely introverted and logical until I cracked and developed positive symptoms - Then the psychedelic blasted open the gates for both and made the "Default Mode Network" of my brain overactive when it previously wasn't.

Now I'm on more antipsychotic.. It makes me want to lower the injection again and see if I can tolerate the creativity like I had at the end of 2019.

Everyone is on both spectrums - Just if it is severe and negatively effects your life enough, they are considered as disorders...

Interesting article...

Thanks for that! It’s interesting.

But I would suggest you don’t mess with your meds.

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Yeah I'll keep them the same for now.. I'm just having a hard time being optimistic.

I wish I didn’t have to take meds. But alas. I went off for about a week and turned into a mess... I would probably stop them and try again because background I still feel they’re poison but alas I’m being monitored.

I still feel like a bit of a mess. So many obsessions.

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I'm at a point where I'm good while on them so I start thinking about the negatives of what they're doing and if they're worth it. I might have not been on any if I wasn't so horrifically suicidal and knew nothing about mental health and coping mechanisms.. idk

But I feel calm on these meds.. Antipsychotic is antagonizing serotonin receptors and the stimulant increases dopamine.. I'd have to become a neuroscientist or psychiatrist to make a valid decision so I'll just trust my psychiatrist - He's good and listens to me.

I'll stay on these doses for a while and then ask my psychiatrist if it's ok to change - And why I want them changed.

For you, hang in there ^-; You take your meds as well - They're not poison.. They can just have side effects. It's not about being off or on meds - But the right meds, as little as possible and accepting that we have issues =/

Glad you’re doing okay.

I’m trying to feel okay with everything. I think I’ll have a conversation with my mom later tell her I feel obsessive. Idk. Maybe. I feel I just need to talk.

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my therapist Dx me with autism spectrum disorder (formerly aspergers) . he works with a lot of autistic clients so i trust his Dx. but i kinda just shrugged it off tbh. i dont put much stock in diagnoses personally and its not like im gonna go around telling people im autistic and schizophrenic.

Prismacolor

a few months ago i got all my records from hospitilizations and the place my mom sent me as a teenager for 8 months. i binge read all of it and i was NOT ok lol

its definitely hard to tease out which is which but i do believe they can be comorbid

i understand it being uncomfortable to talk with your mom. i feel the same way. even though my mom knows all my struggles, i dont bring them up and neither does she. at least i have my therapist to talk to about it. otherwise i wouldnt talk about it at all.

Yeah it doesn’t really made a big difference in my life but my obsessive thoughts are just taking control.

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