Roll Call 186

Nick’s making me sweet and spicy chicken with rice for dinner tonight. I will learn how to cook it from him. I told him I’m tired of bread and potatoes 😅

I never get tired of the American diet

Because potatoes can be anything you put your imagination to, if you really want to do it

Alone and grey/white matter is disappearing.

I'll drink some chamomile tea and read.

That's something = ) What was it about?

Hmm.. I googled "Black matter brain";

"The silent neurons
Such neurons as called the dark neurons or silent neurons. They form the dark matter of the brain. While conducting the representative neurological experiments these ''dark'' neurons do not fire, thus their role in brain function is questioned by the scientists."

"A neuron in the brain juxtaposed with clusters of galaxies and their connected filaments of matter and dark matter. The resemblance is immediately clear. ... The human brain is literally one of the most complex structures known in the Universe – which is itself the greatest of all complexity."

"As most neuroscientists acknowledge, our conscious interactions with the world are just a small part of the brain's activity. What goes on below the level of awareness—the brain's dark energy, for one—is critical in providing the con- text for what we experience in the small window of conscious awareness."

I understand. As soon as a meds alter my reading capacity I get right off it, my pdoc is fine if they mess with my reading capacity, but I have to walk her back on all that I've already lost, this would be that last original bit of me left dying if I were to lose it. ((hugs))

I don't even read that many books to be honest, BB reads way more than me. 1 book a month is about normal for me and that's a good month. lol Dante's Inferno and Puragotrio took 4 months I believe.

Have you tried annotating as you read, and highlight? That helps me with difficult reads. If its just a fast fluid read I do audiobooks.

If you still have books, you can always turn the pages, and post a fragment of something that moves you on facebook, that's what I do as a ritual to remember what I've learned and getting a bit of dopamine whle I do it.

I'm sorry Ceara,

I felt irritated for 8 years lol I let myself become a chaotic ball of iritation and depression. This sounds weird, but I sometimes try to think in advance what I want to say to my friend, and run through my head all teh quirky things that have happened so that when I actually talk with her I can bring her up and it helps me too.

Bo Burnham just came out with a comedy special, I need to watch that. = )

Biologically speaking, once we get angry, it's hard to get out of that funk. I get hypo manic angry sometimes if I keep running the loop enough times and then its impossible to stop.

((hugs))

I feel irritated too a little bit today. I also havent gamed in a long time and been doing a lot of my writing an art now but I think I’m gonna play Star Wars old republic right now on steam.

Forget my previous advice, this would irritate me too.

They are also coming out with a new expansion for Star Wars this holiday season, Star Wars the old republic on steam so I’m looking forward to that.

That's it! My father when I was kid would buy to packs of those, and give each kid and himself one, always the supreme. Becareful though, you can literally chip a tooth on these suckers! lol

You know I will = )

I’m down to 155 lbs!

I found my jewelry and headphones! I'm so glad!!!!!

I swallowed 0.25mg of clonazepam cuz I'm very internally stressed and I think that reality is strange.

I should stop smoking the plant.. But I continue.. I just want to relax, be content and read. It shouldn't be this hard.

But the world is insane to me.

At this point I don't think that changing my meds will help me.. The olanzepine does it's job from preventing DP/DR.. But I still think of dissociative philosophies.. And I enjoy these thoughts, thinking about existence.

But I think this type of mental distress has to do with the pandemic maybe.

I must realize that.. I'm in a universe.. Where life gets energy from a big ball of fire in a dark vacuum full of astroids circling around it - And they've hit the Earth before. There's monkey's on it, hallucinating, sharing products/items/food, telling each other what to do, setting things on fire, making small star-like nuclear reactors to make electricity.. And it's all descendent from one organism.. Seeds and eggs like pollen, fertilizing each other.. Maybe there's aliens but no one cares anymore.

haven't heard back from clinic yet, kinda annoying.

Wow I’d be pissed

my doctor is only in clinic on mondays apparently.....and this monday the clinic was closed for independence day. So I probably won't hear back until next monday. Ugh.

I'll let u guys know how my meditation goes =/

What are the benefits of meditation?

Increased focus
Lower stress
Reduced anxiety
Better mental stamina
Deeper or broader compassion
Insight into yourself and your sensory experience
A better relationship with your emotions
Liberation

I know this sounds ridiculous.. But just lying here reading about meditation is good.. I will meditate. It's 30 degrees and I think forest fire smoke in the sky.. Am chill..

I was recommended to type "Meditation" into Google maps.. And there's many wellness centres here. I will go to one.. Maybe I can meet good people..

I will tell them about my trip (: .. And all of my crazy things.. Although I feel schizotypal/autistic around people..

But yeah.. I hope this contentment will last.

As I was walking around the house, I thought to myself.. So many people have different experiences, so many.. Together, would it be a good trial for the infinite multiverse? I think so.. Since I exist, I think that someone already decided that the endless infinity is happening and I have to be alive... It just wasn't me that decided that.. But now I have to follow up with it..