Roll Call 187

I'm feeling very strange. I want so badly to get off the perphenazine and thorazine, but every time I do this happens

Maybe I should get back on it and just start focusing on eating healthy 90% of the time and exercising a lot

Some random older guy on Facebook sent me a creepy message. I deleted it.

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It's raining <3

I put myself in a situation where I have too many choices. I spent 5 whole years living this way after being "under a rock" with no choice but to do slave labour all day in isolation.

I went mad.. with the information.. I grabbed every idea of the world and took a little of it all in.. Now there's too many options - Which is freeing in a way..

That's why I need to keep a good balance of mental health therapy. Last night I realized that I can possibly go psychotic if I don't be careful.

Things will be ok.. I took Dexedrine and smoked sativa. I have responsibilities now etc.. I want my mom to have enough money to not work - Not just me.. I have to make a strategic plan.. For all plans. Problem can be that I like to do nothing and just think (But I don't have that luxury anymore) - I spent it on drug experimentation and not doing anything about the way that I was feeling - I trusted psychiatry but all my treatment team did was focus on symptoms and not my actual life!

I am older and wiser now though.. I have to learn from these mistakes and move on.. But the world + Pandemic screwed everything up. We are grieving what is lost but people like me are also drawn into by conspiracies and see the illuminati's plans.. Studying crypto I can do, meditation/spirituality, understanding my brain in a neuroscience way + I want to play guitar. My dad gave me his 10k dollar guitar but I don't play it. I'm all over the place.

I don't want to go to school anymore because of the pandemic. I have to figure out things myself. I just need to relax. I'll go on vacation to visit family as I've said and then when I come back, I'll try and sort things out =/

My mom bought me a pumpkin and I put it on my bookshelf. My bookshelf is reinforced to the wall. Fiancé’s empty liquor bottles at the bottom

Took my night meds. It's 8:15pm, going to be early if I can get to sleep

I'm in such discomfort from all the damn coughing, I can't get any relief/peace

I'm so frustrated that my primary care doctor is only in the clinic on Thursdays, that makes it so hard to get an appointment with him. I've been waiting over a month for my appointment, I have a phone appointment with him next Thursday the 16th.

I'm going to that church community brunch/clothing room thing at the end of the month. They have a clothing room with stuff donated that you can get for free if you need it. I haven't used it in over a year but new clothes are not really in my budget right now so I am going to go there and get some sweaters, long sleeved t-shirts, and dress shirts, maybe a hoodie if I can find one. For the cooler weather coming up. They actually have some really nice stuff and all of it is in really good condition.

I just realized, I haven't gotten sick with a cold, or flu, or anything since around February 2020, that's amazing. That's really good. That's about a year and 7 months.

IOP went well last night. I'm just super tired for staying up past 8 which is late for me.


We started with a check-in. Everyone said their name, said if there were any safety or sobriety concerns, said what their stressor is, said what their high of the week was and their low of the week and two things we did for self care.

Then we took a break.

Then we watched a Ted Talks video about Self Care not being Selfish. The lady doing the Ted Talk really got to me when she said that we are just as valuable as we were when we were 4 years old. That almost made me tear up. Even after all the mistakes I've made. Even after hurting myself hundreds of times, I am still valuable. Mind blowing. Then we finished with the 3 G's. One thing you are good at. One thing you are grateful for. And one thing that is your short term goal.


In less than an hour I have a Zoom appointment with the IOP's individual therapist. I know she is a CSW. But I don't know anything about her. I don't know if we are going to be talking about me. Or talking about what I can get out of the program. Or what. So I am a bit nervous. I'm going to do the Zoom meeting from work so I figure that might be a little tricky. But I am in my office and I will shut my door and put a "do not disturb" sign on my door. I'm a bit nervous.

I'm tired from all these long nights. Between IOP and Church I'm up past 8 each night. Not good. I need my beauty sleep. At least I can sleep in a bit tomorrow before I attempt to take Amelia to the vet. And I seriously need to shower tomorrow. It's been since Sunday. That's like a week.

My sister is sick so we won't be getting together this evening like we usually do on Fridays. I'm bummed about this but hope she feels better soon. I'll read or watch a movie instead.

I haven't needed an Lorazepam today so far today which is good. I really don't want to be taking that every day. I did throw up a bit this morning though like most mornings these days.

My only plans for the weekend now are to get together with my family on Sunday which we do every week. I may go to the grocery store tomorrow. We'll see.

I’m glad IOP is going well for you SK, it’s good to have extra support. I know when I was in my day treatment program it really helped me

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I’m going to my sisters house on Sunday.

Tomorrow I’m making that Buffalo ranch chicken sandwich recipe in the crockpot.

I’m ready for cooler weather. Like low 50’s or below. It’s 70 something out now and I hate it. It’s better than the 90’s-100 like it was but it’s still not comfortable to me.

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Idk if I mentioned this but my sister has been confused and delusional for the last couple weeks. I went out to visit her to check on her and she ended up the ER the last day I was there. She’s apparently feeling less confused but is still not communicating with anyone but my dad. She had high calcium from the cancer and they needed to flush it out with IVs. She’s still not eating though which is exactly what happened to my mom. They’re checking for fluid in her stomach area...like ascites.

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I cannot focus to read much today....

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I'm sorry SP.. That's normal for your situation. Watching TV, taking a walk, talking with someone, doing something like painting while thinking about things could help. I'm not sure.

I might read if I can focus today..

I'm sorry SP. This sounds really difficult. HUGS I hope that the hospital can keep your sister comfortable and that she can recover.

Thanks desoxyn and SK.....

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Sorry SP, I hope she gets better :

Thanks bluebird, did you ever try the omeprazole for your gerd?

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Unfortunately I'm sure you're right. There's always the piper to pay whenever you come off these meds.

No, I don’t have the money for it at the moment, but I see my doctor next Thursday, so he can prescribe something and my insurance will cover whatever generic form there is

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I'm sure enough that vaping is harmless that I'm advising a pregnant lady to go ahead and vape! I'm in lockdown with the without my vape for 2 weeks.

It's a process. Could you do a long slow decrease instead of cold turkey?

I locked my account somehow and I still don't really know how to use it. I don't really miss it.