Roll Call 187

Does anyone over here think that they caused the Coronavirus Pandemic.
I have posts on FB going back almost a decade predicting something bad would happen on 2/2/ 2020 (Imbolc).
That's the day of the first known death outside of China I think.
I never thought I caused Coronavirus but I do think I
accidentally caused Hurricane Laura and I purposefully caused Hurricane Ida while I was in New Orleans by a ritual I did on August 18th in order that the next storm wouldn't hit Lake Charles again.,. I filmed part of the ritual..
And i warned people to get out, and paid someone's bus ticket out, before the storm even formed

((HUGS)) sp

I'm sorry she's getting more ill. Hugs and

My life is in ruins since the is now 6 inches away from me. In order to get my curtain closed I'm turning the AC down. Hopefully she will come to know that my curtain staying closed means the AC will stay on. I'm in the window bed since July when I moved away from her. She's back! I screamed at her God knows how long today. I have a stupid rotten cough since a few nights ago.

Sorry to hear that woman has been put in your room. Do you know how long for? Or is it permanent?

I'm scared of covid, and all the new variants out there, I am fully vaccinated/and wear a mask when I do have to go places. I know you can still get it though.

I got a full time job. I don't know when I start yet, but that's progress.

I also got prescribed Provigil. It seems to help with my low motivation.

I’ve had a hellish day.

My mother in law texted me:

Her: “how did today go looking for a new obgyn?”

Me: “Not good. None of the doctors I called took my health plan under Medicaid. I called Medicaid and they were just reading from a script. They didn’t help at all. I have no idea what to do. I’m so scared. Idk who to call or what to do. I need help. I got so stressed out today my head was hurting and my nose started bleeding profusely and I started throwing up blood but I think it was from my nose.”

Ugh. Yea so right now I can’t keep food down again. Maybe from stress this time.

I remember looking in the mirror today while my nose was bleeding a lot into my mouth and I was just crying my heart out. Feeling so alone and scared in my pregnancy. I cried out for God and asked him if I was dying.

A lot of people I've known all my life are dying from unknown causes.
They are not eating and wasting away.
My stepmom
She's peeing thick blood clots.
I also have no appetite since early July.
I have to force myself to eat.

My hero is Simone Weil
and a like Kurt Godel.
I just finished reading "The Subversive Simone Weil By Robert Zaretsky

Both Weil and Gödel starved themselves to death.
Weil had been attracted to the Cathar ritual of the "Endura".
Her beliefs on "De-Creationism" forced me to adjust my entire Theological Belief system from E=D×3+M+K to R=D×4+M+K.

Gödel starved himself to death because he believed someone was poisoning his food

I know Coronavirus is a Pandemic.
But I think something else is going on.

I'm gonna force myself to eat a few chips

Can I ask why you took my avatar?

Sorry nm my mistake. I thought I saw my avatar on your profile pic but perhaps it was a glitch. I apologize.

Tapatalk does that sometimes

Welcome to the forum! I'm sorry you're going through this

This is difficult. I'm having thoughts of not wanting to do the job I got. I don't know what to do. Honestly, it's like this every time I sign up for something new. I question why I do it in the first place. I think I should just focus on my thesis. I think my therapist influenced me towards taking the job today. That's not necessarily a bad thing. I guess I just think I don't really need the full time job. And going from 0 work to 40 hours or more a week seems difficult.

Ah yes, modafinil. I bought a 10g baggy a few years ago but on reddit they said that the batch was just a mixture of the ingredients to modafinil. It wasn't cooked!

So I never really tried a wakefulness promoting agent.

Let me know how long it lasts.. My psychiatrist said that it only lasts 4 hours or so - I thought it lasted 14 hours.

If you don't need the money, you shouldn't push yourself. I work 12-15 hours a week so I make an extra few hundred a month that I save or invest in crypto etc.. I was working 16-20+ hours this year but my mental health was bad. It's slow now (Tourist town) so they don't need me anyways because it's not busy.

If possible, I'd try to get part time and then slowly easing into it... It takes a lot for the body and mind to adjust to work like exercising or starting a new med.. Especially while on antipsychotics.

For me, part time is good when you're also trying to make money in other ways cuz it makes me appreciate the time that I have. On days when I'm not working, I usually wake up at around the time that I'd finish work on days that I am.

How is the Klonopin taper?

Yea I just realized. I’m really sorry yo!

My mom went through like 4-5 water coolers past few years. They always leak. I tried Googling how to fix one but it seems to me like they make money using parts that wear out after a certain time. I will get to the bottom of it though...

I feel like life has sucked the life out of me. I've been feeling different these past few months. I'm not getting dissociative panic attacks anymore but the night time euphoria is gone. I feel sort of depressed and stressed out all of the time - Day and night.

My neuroplasticity is decreasing. I can feel it. I tried psilocybin a few times a month but it isn't enough. I fear that I'll go back into an anhedonic or nihilistic state like I was before my trip - Although it will never be as bad as it was.

I wonder if ketamine would help. I bought a racetam called "Omberacetam" which is supposed to be neuroprotective and improve memory (Cuz my memory is terrible now - Maybe from the pandemic) so I'll try that first.

I just need to feel alive in a way.... and I have not since forever. I'm looking forward to my vacation.

The Klonopin taper is not happening. My anxiety gets too bad. That's why I stayed at the dose I'm at right now. I guess it's fine. I feel like honestly it's fine as long as I have the modafinil because it has seemed to up my motivation the last two days (I have only taken it for two days though!)

And yeah, I'm probably not going to work full time. I was thinking about it on my run on the treadmill earlier and I had the idealistic thoughts going that I could make it work, which I likely could, but I thought that is a bit unrealistic.

Also, really, the only thing that matters to me right now is my thesis and getting that done.

What about like Sarcosine for your neuroplasticity?

Nvm all that. I think I was on to something on my run. I think working full time would help me.

Gives me heart palps

Good morning. Going to CVS later to pick up my meds. Then going to put the food in the crockpot to cook. While I'm waiting for that to cook I'll vacuum and clean my apartment

I work part time and go to school I couldn’t handle both full time...do what you can but keep in mind school is just a placeholder to help you find a job.

I think I’m just gonna stay on them and stop messing with them. Even when I slowly taper down I don’t do well off them

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