Roll Call 187

Have some mistletoe scented wax melting, it smells amazing

Today was fairly productive. I walked to Family Dollar and bought a few things. Did some laundry. Read a couple hundred pages.

Tomorrow I plan on getting on the treadmill for 45 minutes.

I did an IOP earlier this year and it was helpful. Good luck with it if you choose to do it!

I don't get my psychiatrist. I guess I think he wants to make changes and I don't really want to make changes but I end up getting the short end of the deal because I'm the patient. I wish I could just remain on the same stuff all the time. I mean, my parents always accuse me of "not saying enough" or "saying the wrong stuff" during my meetings with my psychiatrist even while admitting that they don't know the first thing about what we talked about in those meetings in which my parents are not there. I wish there were easier answers. I mean I cannot get down on this Klonopin. I think it's like I have the desire to go down or off of it but it's straight-up not working.

Like, should I just get a new psychiatrist? I have no idea. I constantly have no idea.

A lot of pdocs are weird about benzos and will just cut you off entirely and immediately so I would stay until you’re off the klonopin.

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When I mute my music I’m listening to with earbuds it sounds like a game show or something is going on in my ears. It’s weird. Maybe it’s from the air conditioning.

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This morning I feel more upbeat than I have recently, probably because I didn't throw up first thing as is my usual experience in the morning lately. I also have successfully blocked some triggering thoughts from my mind, so I haven't needed as Ativan so far. And it's "hump day" so I'll be seeing my family this evening so there's that to look forward to.

Hope you all have a peaceful day.

Played Ukulele for 45 minutes, so far I can memorize and play What Child is This?, Oh Christmas Tree, and Silent Night.

Having an iced matcha latte right now

I want to play video games right now on my computer but I kind of feel guilty like I should be doing something more productive. But I feel like shyt today like almost every day of my pregnancy.

I don't remember a thing from PHP today. NP wants to switch mefrom risperdal to Invega, gave me a couple weeks to think about it. I'm scared but I think I'll do it. Risperdal is just pooping out on me.

Risperidone is my most hated chemical. I'm on the 3 month lasting Invega Trinza injection.

I had to wait over an hour at the clozapine clinic today because they were having problems with the system. They weighed me and said I had put on 4lbs. I might start the carnivore diet again. Last time I did it I actually lost quite a lot of weight.

I'm trying to see if this IOP will work for me. It's a place that does treat SH as well as depression, anxiety, etc. I emailed them with my symptoms and general bio and asked if they had a program that could help me. Their in person program is over two hours away but they have a virtual one. It starts at 3 and I don't get off work until 330 but I could talk to my boss, especially if it is for a finite amount of time she would probably let me leave early. I'm hourly anyway so they would be saving payroll. But now my case has been transferred to the virtual person and I am waiting to hear about my insurance and how many days a week it is and from 3 PM to what time and how many weeks it is. All good questions I think. I also want to know if the classes are just basic crap or if it is specific to my issues because I don't need basic crap. I got that IP. So I am waiting to hear back. I'm nervous and I'm hopeful, and I am dreadfully anxious.

Good luck SK

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Thank you SP!

It’s very hard to deal with AP caused decreases in cognition....and the pdocs will blame it on the disease rather than the meds......all I know is I’m on a low dose of AP and fish oil and still forget things quickly but it’s at least not instantly like it was. The interesting thing with you is that you often feel better if you’re on olanzapine which doesn’t hammer down on d2 like the others....I wonder if it might actually block part of the effect of invega by competing though. Have you tried taking it every night instead of just as a prn?

Olanzepine really reminds me of a calm stimulant/ADHD med... It's basically the same thing. I used to take it as a PRN last year - But this year, I've been taking 10mg every day at 5-6pm..

Olanzepine killed my DP/DR and panic attacks completely. It doesn't make me tired anymore.. Helps me to focus instead of dissociate. I take one fish oil religiously every day + A few other vitamins like B, C, D..

I like the olanzepine better than Invega.. I feel like I don't need the Invega or that it doesn't do anything.. I did try lowering it last year? Or the year before.. But the environment that I was in was terrible for my mental health.

I read some studies that talked about combination of dextroamphetamine and olanzepine for schizophrenia.. Results seemed good.. I forget what it was about but basically, schizophrenia = Low dopamine in one area (Which the stimulant increases) + High dopamine in another (Which the olanzepine decreases)..

I microdose mush a few times a month. A paper that I read said that the trip effects are lowered on antipsychotics but the neurogenesis effects still work.. Mice twitch their heads while tripping.. Healthy mice trained with neuroplasticity were taught to how to drive with a mouse car/contraption and stressed ones failed to be able to do it let alone taking forever to know how..

I love olanzepine... I wish it was all I needed.. 10mg.. Maybe that's true - I have to lower the Invega slowly if I want to know so I can see...

Talk to your doc about olanzapine only I think it’s very doable

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I like that wording.. I will try ^-;

Might have to do keto though..

Psychosis never struck fear into me like DP/DR dissociation did so there's no concern that I'd stop taking the olanzepine.

Today was a really really good day.

I woke up and took my meds but I decided to try taking vitamin B12/6 and zinc chelate every morning starting this morning. I felt like throwing up but that went away..

My mom gives me 2 hours to wake up. I got ready and then we went for a hike. It was blue sky, snow topped mountains, blue rivers, green forest etc.. Not too hot just nice September like weather. We made it to the top and took a break. It was nice.. Then we sat by the river. As we walked back, my cousin texted my mom and said that he's going to stop by where we live but at that time, my mom will be driving my sister and her bf to the island... So him and his gf will visit me for 1-2 nights.

He just finished his psychology degree so my mom thinks that we'll have interesting talks. He's been sober for 5+ years since he smoked spice/k2 and ended up in the psych ward for a full year with psychosis..

But yeah we had a BBQ this evening. I fried up burgers and my mom made a salad. We sat and talked about my sisters bf's family and our family etc... A lot of change is happening right now and so quickly.

I showed my sister and her bf a funny video of Alex Jones and my sister was like "Yeah.. You shouldn't be taking advise from him" =P.. My sisters bf knows a friend that I had and that friend was in the ICU from COVID - He's an antivaxxer and almost died - Although I still regret the vaccine! Mark my words that the vaccines will kill us all... No jk... Idk..

Drinking tea now. I'm glad that I've figured out the "sleep-wake thing" with the zopiclone at night. I still only take half.

My sister leaves on Sunday. I will miss her =[ I will try not to cry when I say goodbye...

I’m tired. Idk why because I slept till 11am today and didn’t really do much. It’s night time (going on 11:30pm) but I don’t want to sleep.

I notice I haven’t had those dissociating type panic attacks since starting the abilify injections so that’s good.

I want to stay up all night but I know I’ll be a mess tomorrow if I do so I’m not sure what to do

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Maybe you can sleep a little bit and set your alarm

I am too old now to stay up all night stimulant veteran heart needs sleep to beat properly