Roll Call 187

Great, now I have hiccups and am coughing

IOP starts tonight. I'm nervous. This IS what I wanted but I am still nervous.

Something my T, Dr, K said is getting to me. He was talking about how I am good at using my resources to get help but my brain has twisted it around to mean that I am taking advantage of the services. I don't think that is what he meant but that is a bit how it came across. I pay good money for my health insurance, about 10% of my gross pay. Why shouldn't I use the resources available to me if it would help me?

I will probably take some anti anxiety medication later so I am good during class. I just hope everything works technology wise. I'm not the best when it comes to Zoom.

Maybe make a pro and con list of each option and that might help you decide.

Structured.....left to my own devices I have motivation issues that don’t occur under structure.

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I can't even think straight because of lack of sleep. I feel weird. Why is one night of not sleeping much messing with me so much

Maybe it's from stopping the perphenazine 3 days ago? I just have to get through the withdrawal effects

One way or another I'm getting a dentist appointment tomorrow. I'll call them first thing in the morning and see what they have available for the day

Proud of myself. Ate vegetables 2 times today. (A salad, plus celery and grape tomatoes w/ hummus)

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I’m thinking about having a donut for dinner though. Lol

They’re only 210 calories so that would fit into my 1200 calorie a day thing

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I went to sleep. I wonder if the energy drink + strong coffee and sativa weed triggered a little psychosis last night. I was dissociated all day while on the walk with my mom and her friend. I had to throw cold water on my face and then have a cold shower. I dreamt out all of the weird thoughts - Crazy crazy dreams.

I feel focused today. I slept in because I don't work today. I'm not sure what to do. I've made too many possibilities for myself.

I just need to relax. I'll be going on vacation to visit family next month so I'll read in the car, enjoy the break...

I’m lactose intolerant. I finally found and bought some organic oat milk yesterday. It’s great!

Oat milk is good, so is almond milk

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So I’m gonna have to change doctors in the middle of my pregnancy. They called me telling me they actually don’t take my specific plan under Medicaid.

I’m very stressed out and scared. Because I’m already 10 weeks pregnant (pretty much! On Saturday) and the issue isn’t finding the doctor so much as it is: are they taking new patients and how soon can they see me? Because Im already 10 weeks and I hope I don’t have to wait 2-3 weeks or more like i did with this last doctor and the doc before that. So I’m really scared and worried.

I was supposed to get my second ultrasound on Monday and I won’t be

This is a nightmare for me so much right now. So worried. I hope I can find someone that can get me in soon but that might be too much to ask for.

I have anxieties

HUGS newtus best wishes on finding a new doctor and hopefully one that can get you in soon. Hope it works out for you!

What's wrong, Desoxyn?

I'm getting super freaked out about my IOP starting tonight. I know I wanted this. I guess fear of the unknown. Fear of the stupid technology not working right--although it worked fine on Tuesday for my T appointment so it should work for this Zoom thing. I'm super crazy tired too. And I just want to go home and chill but I can't and I can't for like a month. Every night I'll be doing something. I do wish I could work like part time or something right now but I need the money to pay my bills and I don't want work to know that this job could be done on a part time basis because then why would they pay me full time? It's day one and I already want a mental health day!

I let the nice lady know who referred me to this IOP program that I got in. She said thanks for letting her know and what great news. I bet she probably doesn't hear back from a lot of people. I just wanted to tell her thanks because she did find me a place.

Me too, Brother, me too.

I think Abilify is the culprit for my insane sugar cravings and constantly being hungry

I’m trying to think of what to do to calm down

I always had things I could do to calm down but I can’t do them anymore cuz I’m pregnant.

I would either Vape which helped a lot with my anxiety. Can’t do that. I can’t take my anxiety med either it’s very bad for baby. I can’t really have a PSL because caffiene actually should be avoided.

Maybe I just had a lot of bad habits idk. But they worked I know that.

I’m literally raw-dogging my anxiety through my pregnancy and I’ve never known anything to be harder than dealing with mental health issues on top of pregnancy. I keep telling everyone this is really the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life and this will be my last child most likely cuz I really don’t want to do this again.

I wish I could be a positive force for women out there with mental illness that want children. But pregnancy is a lot harder than I thought and I already knew going in that it was gonna be tough.

I truly wouldn’t recommend this to anyone with severe issues unless they are actively working with specialists like a pdoc, therapist and obgyn on top of being medicated. Depression and anxiety I can’t speak for but living with schizoaffective disorder, it’s so hard. I’ve had a lot of troubles with keeping stable little points in my pregnancy so far but I have to remind myself that I need to be strong snd stable for my child.

I wouldn’t have taken this on if I didn’t think I could do it, myself. It’s almost another test to my resilience in a way. And strength.

But what I do know is it takes an extremely strong willed mind to go through pregnancy and to be pregnant. I can’t imagine women going through pregnancy who don’t want to be pregnant like through abuse or even teenagers. It’s wild to me. But then again I also deal with MI on top of it all so it’s already hard in that aspect for me.

I’m off my soapbox

In another way, just saying all that that’s been on my mind kinda calms me down. Just knowing I can be real here and say my peace in regards to my struggles, with people I trust to tell, is calming.

I really am so thankful for you guys!

You ARE inspirational newtus. At 41 I doubt I am ever going to have a child.....I've just never been stable enough to have a child, plus I'm asexual so.....yeah that complicates things too. But you are an inspiration to people with MI that even if they aren't thinking about pregnancy, just thinking about doing something hard, that it can be done and it can be done with grace and beauty. Look at me, I'm like doing an IOP which is really tough because I'm already tired from work. But hopefully I can do this. But I know if you can do having a baby with MI then I can get through 30 days of this crap with no time off. I think what you are doing is awesome and I know it is tough, I think pregnancy is tough even without MI just all the changes in the body and hormones and so forth. And when you hold that precious baby in your arms for the first time it will all be worth it. Just hang in there. Keep on being steady and stable for your little one. Rant here all you want. We are listening. We care. And we love you! Kit

Omg thank you so much I wanna cry

Thank you. I’m trying so hard. I’ve got a decent support system of my 3 providers, my fiancé, 2 best friends and then random friends. And I joined this baby group site where all of us on the sub forum is due the same month and year, so we are all going through the same milestones together. But yea thank you

I appreciate you. I appreciate all of you. I really do. And I wish you the best in your health endeavors so much!