Roll Call 187

There was no today. I'm starting to worry they'll discontinue smoking here soon.

My headphones are charging. I couldn't find my cheap ear phones. So nervous.

I'm worried they're tacking on another 2 weeks of lockdown. Because everything was chaotic here for 2 weeks. I really wish I could go home for a vacation with my vape.

I hope my former neighbors will rot in hell. For all the hell they put me through.

I'm worrying the stole some of my nail polish. I haven't done my nails in I don't know how long.

I shouldn't spam roll call, sorry. Headphones will be ready in 5 minutes.

What a day.. I could write for hours but I'm exhausted so I'll just leave it at that. I listened to a bit of a podcast at work, came home and had insights about planning things - Neurogenesis working cuz of the mush, my mom talking with my sister and dad on the phone, I smoked way too much plant and had 100-200 insights - I forget them all.. If I was an engineer and needed ideas then maybe I'd smoke it but I'm not smoking it anymore. My mom told me she's feeling very grateful about things and where we live right now. I was watching a video about gratitude on YouTube - I'll try and practice it for a few days and see what it's all about (I think the reason that I feel so good before going to sleep is cuz I'm grateful about things). The election in a few days is scary to me though. Work tomorrow. Have good dreams all!

Heart palps while drifting into dream land

My sister is supposed to be coming over later

I'm going to start taking walks outside more often, because the weather is getting nice and fall is a great time to be outside. Plus the treadmill isn't working right now for some reason

Hard to believe I've been a member here for 8 years. Since 2013. I was 19 years old then. 27 years old now. Time flies

I joined 6 years ago. I was 28 and was in an abusive relationship 😂 Funny thing is I googled a question like 1-2 years before I joined, and I found SP answering someone else’s question that was similar with mine here 😂

My sister isn't going to be able to come today because she's busy I guess. Kinda disappointed but I understand. So I made plans with her to go over to her place the weekend of Halloween, and I'll bring some chocolate chip pumpkin bread with me

She separated from her husband and that's why she moved into her own place until she sells the house she owned. She's dating a nice guy now, so I'm happy for her, she seems happy

Walking to Kroger was a mile away and I wasn’t exhausted… my feet didn’t hurt, and for it being 87 degrees outside it wasn’t bad… Now that I’m not carrying 50lbs of excess weight!

For like the first time since covid I cooked a real meal.....chicken noodle soup, nothing beats homemade, although I did cheat with a rotisserie chicken as per usual for me. Gave some to bf and his mom too. I was just craving th experience of cooking and th food again I think due to fall and a little free time.

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Fiancé and I are trying to figure out what to do with this open living in the new house and how to place our furni.

For perspective of the size of this room, those windows go pretty much from the ceiling down to your ankles. I’m 5’2 and the hieight of them are at least double my height.

That’s a dining room to the right.

And it steps up into the kitchen area where there’s also a second small dining room/breakfast area thing.

Blah we know the Tv goes against the right wall cuz the main outlets are there. We figure we will have to get rid of our 55” tv and maybe get a 70” or bigger.

Our current couch is L shaped and idk what to do about that.

We also need eventually a large play area space for baby a few months after they are born or so.

Every week in October I'm going to make something pumpkin themed.

This is what I'm planning on:
Week one: a Pumpkin Frappuccino
Week two: Pumpkin smoothies
Week three: Pumpkin lattes
Week four: Chocolate chip pumpkin bread

I might also try my local grocery store's 3 cheese/pumpkin ravioli

Going to try withdrawing from the Klonopin again. I am sick and tired of feeling tired all the time.

Beyond stressed out. I think I'm so stressed that I might die.

I surrender to the chaos

I surrender..

Nvm. Not gonna do it without pdoc's support.

I went on vacation to Mexico last night - In my dreams. This time my mom was stressed.

The neighbour that harassed me and my mom started parking his vehicles in front of our house so we have to park them in front of his house. Now he called the bylaw and said that my moms vehicle is unregistered.

She's so stressed.

People make the pandemic worse for each other.

Also I almost got pulled into a cult by accident. First they tell truth and then slowly make you insane with the lizard people stuff etc.. They just slowly sneak it in.

I'm afraid of what will happen if I ever have to stop the Vyvanse.. I'm so incredibly tired and comatose without it - No one understands. My mom told me to go outside and take a picture of the license plate of her car and I was tired beyond hell. I'm drinking coffee now after the Vyvanse kicked in.

I see my doctor today + I will go vote for the election..

I have a "check in" appointment today (30 minutes) with IOP T since my SH thoughts have been a lot and because since she asked to see my wounds on Friday I didn't think she was the most empathetic. I understand why they can't be but it just sucks. I did get some good empathy from a couple of my friends. But my thoughts are all crazy and telling me bad things. IDK thoughts or voices. Kind of looking forward to the appointment and kind of not. I don't want to end up feeling worse.

That seems really bizarre since your T isn’t a medical doctor.....

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Yeah, it really messed with my head which is why we have to have a check in today. I emailed her over the weekend and she said let's discuss this on Monday I can do a check in with you from 12:30 to 1. Then we will have our regular scheduled therapy session on Friday. I guess at least I don't have to wait til Friday to get my head back on straight.

Voices have been telling me to throw myself into traffic. It's been chaotic in my head. I am really careful when I go next to the street that I don't go anywhere near the asphalt. I stay on the dirt. IDK why these are coming up. It's distressing. IDK why the therapist wasn't more concerned about this!

So it’s been a rough day...bf has something going on with his eye it’s all red and there is a lump in it...doc gave him antibiotic eye drops but it’s making things worse. Then his crown broke off with a piece of tooth inside when he ate a prune. Sister called and was in tears from interactions with my dad...he thinks her mind is going again but she seems fine and that driving her nuts.

Technically I’m fine but having all this pain around me is difficult.

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