Roll Call 187

The IOP place sent me two possible referrals. Yeah. Not looking very good. One is in Central Valley (I live in Southern CA!!!) We're talking 5 hours away. The other one is in Orange/Los Angeles County--so closer but still 2.5 or 3 hours away. Sigh. One of them talks about their virtual options so I am somewhat hopeful for that but these referrals are a joke. (I've moved from frustration to irritation!)

It’s super difficult to get help right now due to covid basically blowing up both the physical and mental health fields. I’ve been an a waitlist for a “real” therapist for months.

Sorry SP that you've been wait listed for months.


I'm just so tired of trying to be my own best advocate and get the best care that I can and when I did find a place they wouldn't take me. I just can't fight anymore.


I did call one of the places on her list and I emailed the other one. I'm not at all hopeful anymore.


One of the websites said, "There's always another option. We're here to help." Such bull crap. I don't believe it anymore.


I just want to curl up in a ball and cry (if I could cry). And because I was open with my boss about this process she's pushing me to try to get the other one who rejected me to let me in anyway. I don't know if I know how to do that.


I.just.can't.do.it.anymore. I'm done. Done. Done. I'm stuck with T and Pdoc and Kayla for however long she will keep me in the program and I'll just have to suck it up and make do. If I end up in the hospital, well, no one can say I didn't try.

I totally get it...I mean I had to call multiple Ts. This was right when my mom passed away, it was overwhelming. You always have us. Please talk to us.

Hugs Kit.

Thanks SP! Thanks unsure123. I'm so glad I have you guys. At least someone in the world understands what I am going through.

I see pdoc on the 1st. Maybe he can do something. I've been suicidal part of each week for IDK how long. Maybe a month. Maybe I need to talk to my parents tonight. Like REALLY talk to them and lay it all out there. I can't do it on my own.


On the bright side, tomorrow I volunteer at the food distribution at Church. I bought food for four families and then I will help distribute all the food that was donated. Plus my friend Crystal will be there. It's always fun hanging out with her. I have a book for her. My sissy sent me the book but I already had it so I am going to give the new one to Crystal.

I’m going to recommend a book I’m reading called think like a monk....it’s about fixing stuff that’s broken like inconsistencies between your actions and your values that can cause illness. It was really interesting too about surrounding yourself with people you want to be like, although that’s a more common thought. It’s not religious or anything but the guy went to India became a monk and now lives in LA and promotes some of the techniques he learned.

I’m so ****ing agitated and I

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I was lying down and mom wanted to sell her bed so she put it on buy and sell and the two guys (My age) walked into the old house and took it. I walked to the place as he was carrying the last thing out. He seemed to want to talk to me but I feel like a robot.

I got a weird vibe from them and felt suspicious but I was tired and felt zero motivation - Maybe from weed and mush. He gave me 25 dollars to bring the bed up to his place which took 2 minutes so then he offered me a beer and I said no thanks and left. My mom phoned me a few minutes after that and was mad that they didn't wait and that they took the bed themselves.

I wasn't in the mood or feeling like myself to talk to these hippies. I really don't feel like making any friends lately for some reason either. My thoughts are too disorganized and my memory is horrible. I put a 0.25mg clonazepam and 5mg Dexedrine under my tongue cuz I need to get out of this brain fog..

I'm reading through posts on the subreddit GetDisciplined , reading advice. About how you have to push through the resistance to doing things you don't feel like doing. Like exercise, cleaning, etc. It's the only way to build better self discipline/better habits, I need to do that

I'm listening/watching videos compilations about different haunted locations around the world. Right now it's on Haunted US Colleges pt. 1. I have my fidget/tangle toy thing I'm playing with and have some vanilla apricot scented wax melting. I don't know if I believe in ghosts or not but I like watching stuff about it

I'm getting stressed out and agitated again. I might have to take one of my klonopin. It's been at least 2-3 weeks since I've taken one

Okay, took one. Now I'm under my weighted blanket. I'm hoping it helps because I keep getting the urge to punch something

My sister is picking me up to go over to her place on Sunday.

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I want to go to mass again because I miss it but I probably won’t be going to church for at least another few years or until this Covid is ever under control if it ever is, which is probably unlikely to ever happen to be honest. It’s not getting better and probably never will. It will only get worse until we’re all dead because too many people refuse to get vaccinated.

At least I can watch mass online.

I hate when people make fun of other peoples faith. It makes me so mad.

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The billionaires want us to be Godless machines

Go, go, go
Figure it out, figure it out, but don't stop moving
Go, go, go
Figure it out, figure it out, you can do this

God.. Everything is so damn overwhelming - Yet I'm content. Idk what's gonna happen. I need 2 socialize with people. I need light!..

I'm much better today than yesterday. I didn't have the motivation to brush my teeth or shave - I was like "Wow.. I've been doing so good with hygiene these past few years that I completely understand how bad negative symptoms can be" - Because I took mush and smoked weed. So I didn't do that today.

I'm excited.. I'm calm too.. A few days ago, I brought my computer outside and it felt so natural to complete making the Monero wallet. I tried to read outside a bit about fasting but I wasn't up to it.

Work these past few days was so easy as well. Time went by really fast.. Two more days left and then I'll work Friday-Sunday instead of also Monday.

I realize how well I'm doing.. I was sui last week. Idk what happened.. I don't remember much these days - I think it's the pandemic.. I'm ok with myself - I try to help my mom because she's so stressed.. It's still chaos in a way but I'm keeping track of everything.

I'm taking the stimulant 95% as prescribed - It really helps with focus and my daydreaming. I thought about buying drugs online but I think that time has passed. My cousin will visit and I'm not sure how I should explain my drug use (He's been sober for 5+ years and got a psychology degree) - Like if I'm doing the opposite of sobriety and using drugs responsibly where the middle would be addiction.. Like how starving yourself is the opposite of fasting and normal is just eating unhealthy..

I have ideas.. I just try to drag along. One thing I've thought about is how exhausted I am. I remember when I was 19, I said "I won't live until age 20" but I did.. Then when I was 24, I said "I won't live until age 25" but I did.. And the thing to get over that feeling is to accept that I will live longer.. Another thing is the procrastination. I have a lot more energy now once I make the decision to be happier and more hopeful/optimistic. I know the deep depths of nihilism that can consume people - I think it's a choice.

Because many people don't have empathy like I do. I know that I'm supposed to fight but I understand people and their beliefs - My trip taught me that. There's so much political tension and people judge like "x person is x and I don't like..". I don't seem to identify with anything. I know that I'm hallucinating everything. I AM YOU. Namaste.

I should relax and listen to Alan Watts. If this particular weed strain makes me unmotivated like yesterday then I won't smoke it anymore. I'm sure that it was the mush capsule but usually after taking even that, I feel so much better a few days later. I did have heart palpitations last night - I had to take a clonazepam to sleep.

A good amount of hiking, sleep, healthy food/distilled water, meditation, learning, music, podcasts, books, meds/vitamins, socializing, exploring my mind an the world + A vacation soon to visit family after my sister leaves.. Things will be good. September will be good.

I mean I dislike religion personally but I wouldn’t **** on someone for being religious. To each their own.

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John Nash - He said "My delusions appeared to me in the same way that mathematical formulations did - So I took them seriously"

Hey everyone. Been doing ok lately. Just kinda stressed.

I just wanna listen to audiobooks for the rest of the day.

Talked to my sister on the phone for awhile tonight. Going over to her house tomorrow. Trying to start spending less money. Save up $1,000 to have just in case I ever need it in case of emergency or something like that

I hope you can call someone or get some support. Know that you're valued here. I know how hard it can be to deal with those types of thoughts.

I have no idea what to do with life

When I'm not on Vyvanse/Dexedrine, I zone out so badly. I zone out to the point of severe dissociation.

I slept this evening and now I'm awake at midnight. I have to work in the morning so I might just listen to a podcast outside then sleep.

I tried reading but I swear, everything I read triggers me.