Roll Call 187

Tomorrow's gonna be busy. I'm calling the bingo cards from 11am-12pm, then again from 1pm-2pm. And from 2pm -3pm I have my self-care group. Should be fun. I'm looking forward to it.

I need to go grocery shopping sometime soon. I'm running low on baking ingredients so I want to replace everything. I'm going to try to get a haircut next month, I really need it, if my sister has time to bring me to the hair place sometime. I'm thinking of cutting it all off into a pixie cut. I haven't had that in a long time. It wasn't too bad the first time I got one, and it felt great and was easier to take care of. Plus it will be easier if I want to get it dyed.

Oh yeah, then on Saturday I'm going to that church to get some new-to-me clothes.

I'm so tired today, idk why. It's weird because my abilify injection normally gives me very bad insomnia. I'm off the thorazine and perphenazine. I've been spending more time in my living room and out of my bed, being more active. Maybe that's why. My mood is good though.

It'll be a lot easier when I buy the new iPad Pro M1 chip - It's gonna revolutionize my technology experience and organization.

My moms boss is a genius autist - like a real one.. He doesn't put anything on paper.. He just writes it on his iPad or screenshots or pastes things.

Tomorrow I'm going to the province to the East to visit my grandmother. Then in October I'll go to the province to the West to visit my other grandmother + many many family members. I'll have the iPad. It'll be great.

I sense that things will get a lot better for me after these holidays. I'm happy to spend time with my dad.

Everything is packed. Items are in their places. The things..

I'm not sure if I need zopiclone to fall asleep anymore. My chronic insomnia might be gone. My emergency psychiatrist that I adopted when I was hospitalized last year for dissociative panic has done well.

It’s going to be a long day. Only got 2 hours of sleep last night

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Going downstairs in about an hour and 20 minutes to call the bingo game, I never do anything like this. I'm nervous

They rescheduled it to 1pm today because not enough people showed up to play at the 11am one

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I’m debating between getting wine or vodka w/ cranberry juice to celebrate Halloween next month. I think vodka since I haven’t had it in a very long time.

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Wow I feel seriously on edge today. I've been sitting here (at work) doing some breathing exercises. Trying to will in some peace and breathe out the anxiety. I have therapy today with the individual T from IOP--J and I think I am looking forward to that. She's tough on me but I do like her. It's so hard to be told that I cannot SH or I might get kicked out of IOP. At the same time J is telling me to go to the hospital if I feel like SH-ing (I would have to live there because I have too many urges) but I am afraid of being put IP so I cannot go. So I am stuck with breathing exercises. Yesterday I texted a hotline and that kind of helped. And I texted some friends and that kind of helped. IOP last night was interesting. It was more on drug/alcohol recovery but I tried to take what I could from it. Tonight I don't know who is leading IOP. It is supposed to be S but she was only there for half of Monday's session so I don't know if she will be there tonight. I hope she is. She's tough but she is good with me.

I did it! Called 8 bingo games!! I was so freaking nervous and I’m so quiet so I have a hard time speaking up but I was able to do it good!

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I have group in 10 minutes

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I am pretty stable today. Just worried about covid honestly. Because transmission in my county is high.

On a positive note, I did a translation contest - or at least I wrote a draft for one - today. I will probably submit it soon.

Group went well, we made worry dolls w/ some craft materials

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This is the worry doll I made, it looks like a voodoo doll lol

Happiness...

Although this morning I felt irritable. I threw the omberacetam away. 5mg dextroamphetamine tablets work for me and have no side effects.

Just had a session with J. I thought we were going to talk more about self harm. We talked more about being autonomous and about life skills. She wants me to shower every day. I currently shower 2 x per week most weeks. I'm like.......what? She says if I get more autonomous and do more stuff then I will feel better about myself. I kind of dissociated throughout the session. Didn't really take good notes. We are going to meet twice next week. That's kind of nice.

That seems like a big jump, 2x a week straight to every day. Maybe try it and if you can’t do it try for 3 times a week, and build up from there. I don’t shower everyday. Usually I shower every other day at least unless I’m depressed. It’s less often. Sometimes I just don’t really need to shower so I skip a day here and there because I don’t go anywhere or am just lounging around and not sweating or anything.

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I shower every second day or 1.5 days. I've been doing this for 2 years. Like Monday morning for example.. and then Tuesday night (So I don't have to on Wednesday morning). It works =]

I can’t wait until my care manager’s sisters cat has kittens (her cat is pregnant) so I can get one and have a cat again finally!!! I’m hoping sometime next month or by early November.

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I have so many appointments next week. One to get my abilify injection, one with my therapist, one with my dentist, and one with my primary care doctor. I'll feel relieved when it's all over. Good to get all my medical appointments out of the way. I have another appointment with my primary care doctor in November for a full physical. And I know I'll have follow-up dentist appointments for fillings and whatnot

Tomorrow morning I’m going to walk down to that church so I can get some new-to-me clothes for the fall/winter weather

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I think I may get my nose re-pierced

Yeah there’s a tattoo place down the street, I can walk to. They do piercings too. I’m going to call and see how much their nose piercings are and set up an appointment for sometime during October.

I've got the worst case of poison ivy in my life. My arms are toast, and my face is puffy and red. sigh... Day 4 is almost over.

Went to the urgentcy climic wednesday when I started to see it all over my face. THey gave me a shot and 3 prescriptions I itch like crazy but it is helping a lot I suppose. I'd go crazy otherwise. SLeeping is so tough, guys. There's no way I can relax with the ivy not being leaned on. It's going to take a long time to really heal from this I can tell. They say 5-7 days can get rid of it but it might be up to 3 weeks, I think this is going to take 3 weeks to be honest. It's so bad.

Wtf were you doing in the bushes?? Stay inside on your devices! Next time you'll think twice before going outside and not philosophizing.

No jk I hope you be well. I'm not sure what poison ivy is. It's an American thing. Next time there's a toilet paper shortage, I suppose it's better than nothing.

Hope you get better soon Job!


This is the 2nd night in a row that I can't sleep. I slept 2 hours last night and tonight I'm wide awake, I'm kind of tempted to take my thorazine so I can just sleep but I want to stay off it

Edit: Screw it, I'm just gonna take it, if I have to take it in order to sleep it's not the end of the world I guess.

Okay, so I'm staying off the perphanzine because I'm doing well without it and just on my other AP and other meds, but I'm going to keep taking my thorazine because it's not possible for me to get more than 2-3 hours of sleep without it. And I can't keep going days without sleep, it's really bad for mental health. I just will accept that I have to stay on the thorazine, it's not a big deal. It helps me so it's fine. I accept that and I accept my weight. I will make healthy choices, I'm 4 days into my eating disorder recovery, like true recovery. Not that half assed recovery I did before where I was still hanging on to my ED subconsciously.