Roll Call 187

Thank you so much

And yea just realize your limits, which doesn’t mean you can’t do things, just that everyone has their limits with things. If you mess up one day, just remember that tomorrow is a new day!

I think they do it to gauge the severity of the sh

Tbh i think you could have brought that up without the comparison to SP.. It came across insensitive

Not trying to be rude but just my observation

Last night the group therapist for IOP S (who I have always been a little afraid of) had me stay late to process the SH feelings I was having. That was kind. She didn't have to do that. She just offered. We came up with three coping strategies I could use that night and even though I didn't do them I didn't SH. The class last night in IOP was on shame and resilience. It was interesting. I think I may have narrowed down where my shame started in childhood. The hallucinations aren't bugging me too badly today. I had a visual that sort of freaked me out but I realized pretty quickly it was a visual. I'm having a few auditory hallucinations but not as much as yesterday. At least not yet. We are trying "talking back" to the hallucinations. I just don't want to be seen as that crazy lady who talks to herself.

Yeah, I get that. Just they aren't medically trained so how do they really know? Anyway it threw me for a loop that she asked and I felt really bad like my wounds weren't good enough because they didn't need stitches and then I felt really ashamed when I had to show her the wounds. It felt like a shameful experience. Not a good tradeoff for some generic get some Neosporin and Gauze pads and tape. I mean I knew that already.

I had a bad episode of depersonalization/derealization while at a restaurant with my parents. I took 0.25mg of clonazepam after the 10mg of olanzepine was kicking in but it didn't help so I took another 2x of them.. I finally started to feel better. I could have got away with just 0.5mg instead of 0.75mg.

Idk why it happened. Just so much stuff happened yesterday. I slept really well though.

When I was panicking, I was paranoid of everyone talking in the restaurant and thought they could hear us. I kept fixating on "I" and "Die" etc, had no memory. I felt like nothing was real and I was just hallucinating everything being GOD (Solipsism).

It's ****ing scary. I haven't had this happen in almost a year but I still bring the clonazepam everywhere I go incase it does happen.

That sounds really scary Desoxyn. I'm sure it was not a pleasant experience. I am glad you slept well though. HUGS Kit

I didn't react to anyone's posts yet but read through them. My dad would look at my computer and be like "What are you doing!".. But hugs to all - Many seem to be going through tough ****.

<3 schizoids <3

I'm doing much better today. Nice focus from Vyvanse. I got a refill for everything from the doctor yesterday. My psychiatrist didn't contact me yet but my doctor will try.

I'll be vacationing for a bit I think. I can finally relax. Ordering a burger at the restaurant rn. Reading the book on keto and fasting. I'm gonna send my dad texts about information and the pills he should take once I get the hang of it so he can prevent diabetes because he's pre-diabetic. He takes metformin. I want to try metformin too idk.

Yeah i can see that feeling shaming 😕

Are you feeling better junkDNA? Weren't you sick a bit back? Sorry my memory is crap so I think that was you but I could have you mixed up. Anyway how you doing?

Blah yea. I don’t need to be on here anyway. I’m going through too much and it’s just too much for me. It probably makes me take it out on others and I just am already taking breaks from my social medias. I really don’t need to be on here honestly, dealing with far too much. I had already told her sorry anyway.

hugs newtus. We can all misspeak at times, we are human. I don't think you need to go. I think we all want you to stay. Get the support that you can where you can. We all try to support you here, why you wanna leave that behind? We love and care about you here.

On Friday from 11-12pm I'm calling the bingo cards downstairs, then from 2-3pm I have that self-care group, then at 3-4pm I'm calling the bingo cards again (they're doing it twice separately because of social distancing)

Yes i have covid but I'm finally feeling a little bit better. Thank u

Hugs newtus…..

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Sounds like a busy day Blue_Bird but sounds fun.

Oh, I'm glad.
Sorry you've been sick though. I know that's super hard. Not feeling well is one of the hardest things we have to go through. Plus trying to take care of yourself when you are sick is like impossible. Sending you super strong super thick super duper hugs.


I'm getting tested for Covid on Saturday. I don't have any symptoms but one of my coworkers got Covid. Luckily his is a mild case (so far) so I'm just doing it to be cautious but I don't think I have it.

IOP is like honestly the most difficult thing I've done for myself.

Here's a kind of mediocre poem I sent to my individual T--J. She is trying to get me to express my feelings in words not in Self harm. I sent her one about hallucinations the other day. This one is about trying not to self harm but being a nine on a scale of one to ten with ten being self harming. That's how I feel today.

At a 9

Holding the ice cube to my arm
feeling the transfer of energy from warm to cold
Nothing is hurt yet everything is hurting
How can I bear this mismatch--how do I stop this yearning?

When my heart has a chasm that's too wide to jump
When my head is pounding like waves to the shore
Everything is spinning, everything is reeling
No backup for this pain, no plan B for feelings

Keeping the blade in a drawer though my arms cry for more
Feeling like a train rode its way through my insides
Shiny smooth metal gotta get you out of my mind
Gotta stay in IOP, leave bad addictions behind

This pain's unrelenting, it's unleashed at full power
Nothing to stop it, no brakes to apply
What to do with this pain when mere words aren't enough
Gotta stretch out these days increase tolerance and stuff.

I know I'm like spamming the roll call, sorry guys. My emotions have been all over the place today. Either I'm totally numbed out or I'm feeling like maximum emotions! It's crazy-making! Sigh.

I googled my IOP Individual T and found her linked in page. I was impressed by her academics but it looks like she changes jobs kind of often. Now I'm worried that she'll leave before my program is finished. Even though my insurance is probably going to stop paying for my IOP like any day now and then it will be over anyway.

Post as much as you need SK, we're all here for you

Yes it's been rough and over a week of bad symptoms. I got it from work. My boss came to work sick. And then tried to hide it from us!!

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I'm thinking of deleting my account here. I feel like I don't need this forum anymore and some parts of the forum (the whole forums, different subforums, not the schizophrenia subforum) are triggering to me