Roll Call 187

Reality is complicated for me I just want contentedness.. But all philosophies.. Plague me.. I get excited about things.. stimulants.. but I want peace too. I want it all.. No drugs!! And then.. I go on my way after the mush trip, have what I need - But emptiness it's all empty in a way - All people deal with it..
So you strive and continue to live.. Just keep going through time and space.. Ground yourself, be a robot and process paper work
I've changed
I like how it was.. I was manic
Now it's all confusion and then the virus or w/e that was released from the lab
I don't have a good memory anymore.. Parts of my brain has made up for others.. Just panic.. Dissociative panic attacks few times a week in 2020
I'm grateful that they are gone but I want it better than this
I have no concentration + FOMO for crypto coins.. Better get a good understanding of things - But the ADHD too.. Constant under stimulation. I write things down, I try to meditate... A break would be nice - I don't know if I care about what is real.. Nothing is real
You're either on autopilot or getting transmissions from other dimensions
What is more interesting.. What is real - Or the unknown.. Some place where no one has been
But that too is lonely.. You need both. A good balance - I try.. But my consciousness is filled with all of subjective reality. Before I used to just sleep - Dreaming..
And I get criticized for sleeping all of that time
So when I step out, it's like walking into a meat grinder or war zone
There's horrible things that people ignore.. I manage to get away from it all or else I would be too ****ed up - But it's where we all go... We go everywhere.. Complete the circle. Maybe I need to ground this one reality - What happens when we die the big question.. I research conspiracies too.. But no one believes in them. Everyone is brainwashed so I give up. Any direction is a dead end.

It's tough for me too. I think the drugs I take (meaning the prescribed drugs) are not doing good things for me. I don't know - just a dependence on them makes me really doubt their efficacy. I get criticized for doubting the medicine. Perhaps someone is hiding something from me. I don't know.

I can't focus on sudoku for more than a few minutes

The main benefits of Sudoku
Improves concentration. ...
Helps to reduce anxiety and stress. ...
Promotes a healthy mindset. ...
Helps kids develop their problem-solving skills. ...
Promotes a healthy competition. ...
Improves thinking skills. ...
Improves memory. ...
Helps to analyze the relation between the whole and the part.

My intent to do things like anything is 10%

Sorry to hear.

But if I'm in a car with no distractions, I can focus on it for hours. Just like reading.

Sending warm thoughts, @junkDNA junkDNA

It's very hard to take this and I can't believe the SW was so rotten to do this to us during a lockdown yet. Trapped in a room with the most disgusting person I've met in years 24/7.

She knows I want privacy and she won't let me have it, like a rapist stalker. I want to go home.

I have a phone appointment with my primary care doctor on Thursday. So I can get back on meds for GERD and back on the birth control patch I was on

I'm gonna go to CVS either this week or next week and get my flu shot.

And of course I'm hoping to get my dental exam/cleaning tomorrow

So hopefully by the end of this week all the physical health stuff is taken care of

Sorry Angelique Do you have anything that can distract you/take your mind of her?

After I'm done washing my hands anytime I usually splash hot or cold water on my face. Both feel good, and help my anxiety

I'm going to try to finish that book I'm reading tonight. So I can get started on another, probably the Alexander Hamilton biography by Ron Chernow

Quarter life crisis

Making this tomorrow morning. Except I’m using 2 TBSP of peanut butter instead of the chia seeds.

I just watched a profound Alan Watts talk (it's very short). It's like 9 minutes. But, it was good because it was basically saying there's no difference between the thinker and the thought. All of it made me realize I overthink everything. And I want to change that.

Also I was reading how meditation can be dangerous for people with psychosis. Not in all cases - thus it has to be practiced in a specific way. I wish I could practice that way. My practice seems to make me more obsessive though.

Not sure I am loving this modafinil stuff. It's making me super restless and annoyed.

Going to go 3 weeks w/o caffeine. Then I’ll have some and see if my tolerance is reset yet.

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All I know is it's bad to cold turkey caffeine for me. Do you have a specific goal in mind to get off of caffeine? It can help to have a goal. Like a really specific one.

That's the thing, idk. Like I want to get that euphoric feeling back from it I used to get from caffeine, but my body is so used to 5-6 cups of coffee a day for several years that it doesn't really affect me anymore in the way that I want it to. I want to cut down to having it just occasionally like 2-3 times a week or less, so it's more effective when I do have it.

Maybe I'll start with having 4 cups a day for a week. Then 3 a day for a week. Then 2 a day for a week or so. Then 1 a day for a couple weeks. Then bring it down to every other day, until I'm only drinking it 1-3 times a week.

It's not just the caffeine I'm addicted to it's also the flavor of coffee. I just drink it plain black unsweetened. I like the flavor of it so much too

My big long term goal is to go 3 months w/o caffeine and then have a cup of caffeineted coffee and see how it affects me

I'm reading some posts on the r/decaf subreddit, they have a lot of tips for cutting down on caffeine/tapering off

I made an emergency-to go bag, just in case there's ever a fire. They recommended making one, just so you can grab it and go when a fire alarm goes off in case you can't go back in the building, and so you don't have to spend a bunch of time panicking and looking for stuff before you leave. I put in clothes, razors, toothpaste, tooth brush, hair bands, hand sanitizer, soap, extra bottles of all my meds, and important things like social security card, etc. I put in a couple beanies too since winter is coming up. I'll have to get an extra pair of gloves to throw in too.

I'll go through it every 6 months in case I gain or lose a significant amount of weight and don't fit in the clothes already in there and switch them out for clothes that fit

The fire alarm went off like 15 minutes ago that's why it reminded me I needed to make one finally. (there wasn't a fire)

I feel much more prepared now

Hi guys, boy IOP is intense. Last night S led. She is tough but cool. Apparently there is this rule that if you are 15 minutes late you can't take the class and you have to make it up. On Friday someone was like 20 minutes late and she wouldn't let them join. And then last night someone was like 14 minutes late. She let them join but she was like, dude not cool to be late. Last night was on shame and resilience. It was super tough. I was thinking like I am not that empathetic because I don't understand my own emotions so how can I understand someone else's emotions? And then I was explaining like how if someone is upset around me I'll just tell them that I'm here or I'm listening or give them a hug or something and then S was like, Kit, that is being empathetic. Oh. I guess I was being hard on myself.


I have no idea how I feel today. I am like all overwhelmed or something. I have tonight and tomorrow off of IOP. I am going to Bible Study classes instead. Next week I am taking a day off of work that is not an IOP day so that way I can have a day to chill. My Mental health needs it!

Felt awful waking up this morning. The Vyvanse and coffee barely did anything. I felt apathetic with negative thoughts. I took phenibut and then wasn't antisocial anymore... Maybe I need an antidepressant.

Then I went for a walk with my mom to see a glacier and now she's cooking Spanish omelettes =]

I have an appointment with the IOP pdoc in about an hour. I hope he doesn't try to change my medications or anything. I hope it's just a "we want to make sure you are seen by a provider" type of thing. I hope he's not one of these "let's change everything you are on" sorts of people (although I have prescriptions for three months from my other doctor so I suppose I could just not take his advice.) I think it's a him. We'll find out. I'm weirdly nervous.

I've never had a spanish omelet.