Roll Call 188

Here’s for the best.

I fell asleep in the afternoon and missed the smoke break. It's just as well, I only really enjoy the morning one. I hate how decrepit I've become. I hope everyone is ok.

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Just checking in. I can't remember the last time I posted here. It must have been some time last week.

I got my Halloween decorations up which is always fun. I haven't thrown up in three days and I've been needing Lorazepam less (today is the first time I took one in days). So things are on an upswing right now. I was kind of tired on Saturday though and just dozed on the couch most of the day. I felt better Sunday and had a nice visit with the family. Today was laundry day and I'm finishing that up now. I woke up in a funk but am ending the day feeling upbeat.

The famotidine is helping my acid reflux

I got my Xulane patches today!! Yay. Also, no copay, price is $87.99 but my insurance covers it completely

The closest I came to throwing up this morning was one strong gag which doesn't count so that means I've gone four mornings without throwing up which is a record for me lately. (I've been throwing up most mornings for months.)

More good news is that I've lost 57 pounds of the weight I gained on Olanzapine. I only lost 4 pounds last month but that is healthy. (You only want to lose 1 to 2 pounds a week.)

It's going to be another beautiful day and I'm really feeling this fall weather. Today it will be sunny and in the 80s which is really mild where I live. (It was the same yesterday.)

Reaching this time of year is always a mood booster for me and this year is no different. For me, Halloween kicks off the holiday season so I already feel Thanksgiving and Christmas coming too.

I hope everyone here has as beautiful a day as we are going to have where I live.

I meal prepped some hard boiled eggs, salad, and cut up celery w/ hummus for the next several days.

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Have a migraine

I bought turmeric 1000mg with black pepper - I'll take that once a day. It's supposed to increase BDNF in the brain for better neuroplasticity.

Break the capsules open with some goat and stock and you got the makings of a curry.

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Have a recipe for fish oil too?

My mom often cooks salmon and there's oil all over the pan.. You get a spoon and pour it back on the fish !

Turmeric + black pepper is supposed to be a potentiator for kratom

"If we enjoy some great professional success, our feelings of accomplishment remain vivid and intoxicating for about an hour, or maybe a day, but then people will begin to ask us “So, what are you going to do next? Don’t you have anything else in the pipeline?” Steve Jobs releases the iPhone, and I’m sure it wasn’t twenty minutes before someone asked, “when are you going to make this thing smaller?” Notice that very few people at this juncture, no matter what they’ve accomplished, say, “I’m done. I’ve met all my goals. Now I’m just going to stay here and eat ice cream until I die in front of you.”

Even when everything has gone as well as it can go, the search for happiness continues, the effort required to keep doubt and dissatisfaction and boredom at bay continues, moment to moment. If nothing else, the reality of death and the experience of losing loved ones punctures even the most gratifying and well-ordered life.

In this context, certain people have traditionally wondered whether a deeper form of well-being exists. Is there, in other words, a form of happiness that is not contingent upon our merely reiterating our pleasures and successes and avoiding our pains. Is there a form of happiness that is not dependent upon having one’s favorite food always available to be placed on one’s tongue or having all one’s friends and loved ones within arm’s reach, or having good books to read, or having something to look forward to on the weekend? Is it possible to be utterly happy before anything happens, before one’s desires get gratified, in spite of life’s inevitable difficulties, in the very midst of physical pain, old age, disease, and death?

This question, I think, lies at the periphery of everyone’s consciousness. We are all, in some sense, living our answer to it—and many of us are living as though the answer is “no.” No, there is nothing more profound than repeating one’s pleasures and avoiding one’s pains; there is nothing more profound than seeking satisfaction, both sensory and intellectual. Many of us seem to think that all we can do is just keep our foot on the gas until we run out of road.

But certain people, for whatever reason, are led to suspect that there is more to human experience than this. In fact, many of them are led to suspect this by religion—by the claims of people like the Buddha or Jesus or some other celebrated religious figures. And such a person may begin to practice various disciplines of attention—often called “meditation” or “contemplation”—as a means of examining his moment to moment experience closely enough to see if a deeper basis of well-being is there to be found.

[...] Leaving aside all the metaphysics and mythology and mumbo jumbo, what contemplatives and mystics over the millennia claim to have discovered is that there is an alternative to merely living at the mercy of the next neurotic thought that comes careening into consciousness. There is an alternative to being continuously spellbound by the conversation we are having with ourselves."

- Sam Harris =]

Got the spooky tree diy in acnh!!!

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Have done very well the past 5 days in regards to my ED. Hoping to make it to a year long streak

Awesome! I haven’t gotten that one yet. I got the trick pumpkin recipe thing yesterday

My heart will stop one day soon, possibly

And it makes me sad.. What is the point of it all, then

Every time I taper the phenibut down to 300mg, I get depressed. So I took a little more. It's a good antidepressant.

And the whole thing about my life, I think.. I never get insight on what people do automatically - Like everyone is on the inside and I'm on the outside. I don't understand.

It's horrible when I lose motivation to even explain what is wrong with me - But when I'm motivated, I ignore that and take the motivation for granted. Same with the DP/DR panic.

I have a bunch of horrifying things that hover over me all of the time.

There was an older woman that I met in the psych ward when I was at the independent living unit. She helped me out, took care of me and we always talked. She was like a mother to me.

There was a few others and we were all a group. Idk why people think I'm a genius cuz I'm not - I suppose just the combination of the way that I talk and what I like to talk about. People say it's hard to understand what I'm saying but interesting - It was a few months after my psilacetin overdose trip so..

I haven't texted her since before the pandemic. When we were in the psych ward, she said to promise to keep in contact with her (I said that I usually say I do but I eventually don't). I visited her house after being out of there and we hung out with her friends and son - Had some good laughs etc..

Before the pandemic, I texted her sometimes and told her how I was doing and always asked her how she was but she was always supportive of me mostly like how a mother would be - So that's why I didn't text back since then. I wonder if I should text her back because I promised I would - But she's not texting me back so I'm confused.

I think my decision is to just not text her back because it's been 2 years. Time has gone by so quickly. My memory feels so dissociative.

I have a bunch of horrifying things hovering over me too.

I guess I overthink things.

That's what people on the outside say.

Or I don't even know if that's what I tell myself.

So confusing. If you want a summary of life so far for me: that is, that it is confusing.

And sorry for the potential rant but I don't think my therapist helps me - I don't think my psychiatrist helps me - I don't think anything really helps me honestly. Communication skills don't help me. Nor do self-help books. There is just life. My thoughts are brought to me one by one like a conveyor belt. I decide which ones to follow and which not. At least I wish that were the case. But it's not. My mind doesn't work that way. My mind works by selecting the most poignant sorrow and amplifying it. Then it tries to get me to think that thing over and over again.

Ugh, haven't slept in 24 hours

That depression is probably withdrawal symptoms

I’m paranoid that they’re trying to kick me out for some reason. I’m convinced of it. I don’t know if it’s just for not sleeping for 30 hours or what but I feel on the verge of crying

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