Roll Call 190

T might have Covid though. She's gotta test and see. I tested on Tuesday and mine came back negative.

Are you doing remote?

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yeah......

Corn and beans added for the last thirty min of the chili....I added to much broth I think though. I made half a recipe and thought I could guesstimate.....

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My mind is full of nonsense

So is mine.

Tastes delish anyway, I just ladled off the extra broth. The bf tried it and did not like....more for me. He was expecting more like traditional chili

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I've never had white chili. I should try it. I love regular chili, but I also like dishes made with white beans. Growing up I had the beans cooked with ham hocks & flavored sauce.

I was dealing with HEAVY dissociative imagination/ADD and autism as a kid (To the point where even other kids thought I was "weird" - Because I'd create multiple different realities in my head).

All of my individuality was suppressed in catholic school and then by my moms ex. I gave up - I needed hope. I was in extreme isolation with just my own mind. I avoided talking to anyone as well because I was so stubborn - But I was still somewhat smart.

I developed obsessions about yin yang (And all of the many names for that), then I got paranoia and voices caused by stress. Then I couldn't distinguish between my imagination and reality.

I was put on meds, went on a manic drug/sex spree, overdosed, became hospitalized many times and then overdosed on a psychedelic. Over the past 5 years, I had DP/DR panic attacks BUT, I reset my brain and started learning,

THEN - the virus was released, I started learning about corruption and conspiracies - Now even "reality" is losing touch with itself, the devision and evil..

I've been through like every extreme state of consciousness.. I want to live.. All suicidal people want to live - Maybe just not in this particular reality (My reality).

IMO, I could die tomorrow in your reality - But I could still be living in mine (And vice versa). The multiverse is tempting to me.

We're not supposed to ever know if there's an afterlife because that's what makes life so beautiful - But there's always hints - That moving up the consciousness ladder happens + Hardships of shattered hope that will always send a soul to hell - Through temptation? Idk.. I've never read a religious book... I've been always creating my own religion in my head - That's what I've always thought.

My best friend lost all rights to her son. She tested positive for Meth. Not sure what to think.

How Losing All Hope Can Be Freedom

"Letting go of whatever dominates your mind (including hope) instantly frees it to think of other things such as warm breezes, the beauty of friendship, and the simplicity of enjoying a meal. We lose out on these small joys of life when our big problems take more than their deserved mindshare.

But there’s still the issue of hope. Why would letting go of hope—something seen as positive—bring freedom and not darkness?

Hope drives persistence, which is why losing hope in an area that requires retreat is so often freedom. "

"This is most helpful with areas like anxiety, worry, fear, and depression. When you accept them and stop hoping they go away, they lose a considerable amount of their power over you."

“Studies show that the more you try to suppress negative thoughts, the more likely you are to become depressed.”

I think we over-regulate drugs....that’s so sad....is there any hope of her getting him back later?

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I didn't like the destruction that I caused to myself. But it had to be done - Because of trauma. My mom passed her trauma onto me.



She said that all she knows of what love is - Is from my grandmother. She chose asshole men like what happened in 2020. I had to take care of her when she took a friends Tramadol while drunk. I haven't felt as bad as I have that day. She cried in front of me and my sister saying "I'm a bad mother".

And recently I've been lashing out at her and she must feel awful. I wanted to stand up to myself and my sister to her ex and I can't go back and do that so I have so much regret. I need to stop and just be happy. It's extremely sad.

Parents definitely have their own traumas and often the only escape is the dilution over the generations....freedom comes with less contact....have you considered living on your own again?

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I should.. I should live on my own.. I'll ask my family to help me. I make my own appointments, go to work, plan my day, addiction improved, stronger and more aware. Although I'm still a little dependent.

I just need to be more mindful and kick bad thought habits. I'm saving a lot of money being in this place with my mom (She is as well). My life wouldn't change much if I moved out - Cuz all I do is sit on the computer all day, learning, understanding (At a increasingly higher rate than 2-3 years ago).

It's good now that my mom is being responsible. If it gets bad again, I will have no choice but to move out right away. My dad said that I won't be broke if something bad happens.

Don't mind me.. Just ranting, etc.

My sister will move back to town this year with her bf to save money. So we'll all be together, doing things. In 5 years? I don't know where I'll be. No one knows with the state of the world.

I have insight that the dependency could be controlling me - And I just have to be aware of that. But also, I don't want to be in a worse place than I am now - My life is good.. I just need to heal and be more aware.

I don't really know.

Hugs Erti.....

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I think I've been chewing too much nicotine gum. I'm in so much stress - It's been this way for over a decade. I'm dying.. Lol!

The nicotine could be contributing to your anxiety. I understand that it's very addictive though.

Lol I got a job at subway working w one of my friends

I kinda ghosted my therapist. I haven't talked w him since before Xmas. Idk why , I guess I thought he'd be mad at me for skipping a session. But now it's like what's the point. I've been talking to him since 2010. Wouldn't it be crazy if I just disappeared

Every night I have at least 1 dream about being in a psychiatric hospital. Sometimes I've been there for years ,sometimes I'm just coming in, sometimes I'm leaving. I guess it's Related to basically growing up inside hospitals and facilities. I don't like the dreams though

My mother is in the ED of a hospital, she's positive for covid. I hope she'll make it through.

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I'm good. Recently discovered the trick of writing things with my eyes closed on the computer so that I don't censor myself.

Mine, too.