Roll Call 190

I could go for some dessert right now. I think I might have some sugar cookies with me. I'll have to check. I really want some chocolate. But, that will have to wait until I go home. I am so happy it is Friday. Or as I like to say FRI-YAY! It means it is almost the weekend. 2 more hours left of work approximately and then Freedom!

The anti Karen

My Big Bosses left and are headed back to the NY office. It was nice having them here but now we can all relax a bit and don't have to be so much on our toes.


Also my SH urges seem to be getting better. I don't know if it is the anxiety medication or what but I am feeling more equipped to handle them. I think I can get through without hospitalization. It is almost the weekend and now I can paint and do calligraphy and watch movies. Plus I made a donation to charity and that always make me feel happier.

It was quite bad yesterday before the benzo and phenibut kicked in. I then started to feel tired, took an extra stim to focus and try to read and then fell asleep.

But it was a good day at work today.. I was busy doing things non-stop 9am-1pm. I walked into town to deposit the check and then picked up wellbutrin - So I'll take that in the morning. I can't believe I was going to take gabapentin every day cuz I would have been spaced out badly. At least with wellbutrin, it's a mild stimulant so I can focus better. Maybe it will give me more motivation.

Only thing is I don't want my thoughts to disconnect with taking the invega shot less frequently. But I'll see with time.

I'm OK with the world ending and not knowing the details. I'll just live in the microcosm of my life, go skiing, hiking, being with family etc until a nuke drops on me or what ever. I intensely look at corruption news but it's all nonsense. How can I fix.. If I am to read certain books and not get overwhelmed, it's all I can do. I can't change the world with fear or anger etc.

Just self-reflection, to chill.. I will be schismed from reality when it is time.

((Hugs)) Kit! You're such a great, kind person <3 You'll get through this.. You're handling it well. Looking forward to things is one of the biggest motivators for me (It increases dopamine o.-)

Anxiety meds make people less agitated, making them think more clearly and be less likely to act on impulse. Only you know your mind best - You have experience and seem to know what to do with good insight.

If things get overwhelming again, just keep talking with us. We're here for you ^-

Awe. Thanks Desoxyn. You all are the best! I love each and every one of you.

Cuz going through these revolving doors of hell and then feeling better again is quite draining. But it's OK considering.. things..

Haha 😄 🤣 😂

"The occupancy of dopamine transporter (DAT) by bupropion (300 mg/day) and its metabolites in the human brain as measured by several positron emission tomography (PET) studies is approximately 20%, with a mean occupancy range of about 14 to 26%.[92][93][42] For comparison, the NDRI methylphenidate at therapeutic doses is thought to occupy greater than 50% of DAT sites.[42] In accordance with its low DAT occupancy, no measurable dopamine release in the human brain was detected with bupropion (150 mg/day) in a PET study.[92][93] These findings raise questions about the role of dopamine reuptake inhibition in the pharmacology of bupropion, and suggest that other actions may be responsible for its therapeutic effects.[92][42][93] More research is needed in this area.[94] No data are available on occupancy of the norepinephrine transporter (NET) by bupropion and its metabolites.[92] However, due to the increased exposure of hydroxybupropion over bupropion itself, which has higher affinity to NET than DAT (R,R- has no DAT affinity at all, and S,S- has ~3x higher affinity to NET over DAT), bupropion's overall pharmacological profile in humans may end up making it effectively more of an NRI than a DRI.[88]"

This could be the reason that Wellbutrin can cause mania. My psychiatrist warned me about mania - Like what happened to Job with Wellbutrin.

It would likely happen in a few weeks/months after starting it because the metabolites bind more to norepinephrine. I'll be on 150mg a day which is just an NRI (Not an NDRI). I wonder if the dopamine release from the dextroamphetamine would inhibit some of the norepinephrine.

Kind of scared to take it. Why is it that all of the more therapeutic cathinone/phetamine/phenidates are scheduled substances? Cuz Big Pharma can't make a patent on them. It's ridiculous. That's what the drug war did..

It's like.. I want to get to the place, back before I was like everyone else - Put into an internment camp (School). And the way I reacted to it was not like everyone else.

So I want to focus, not be suicidal, do my things.. Catch up. Erase all of it and replace it with what who I wanted to be. The PTSD, paranoia and hyperphantasia - No damn psychiatrist.. with their need to feel powerful over me when I asked for help, running through loops and loops of corruption and evil of the world. It was all reaction for what I didn't understand.

But I understand now.. I see through the game.

Am JK guys <3

I will try and do meditation for a bit... I want to feel positive emotions..

Hope WastingAsparagus is okay, haven’t seen them around in awhile.

Also does anyone know if Falcon is okay? I haven’t seen them on here in forever. I know some of you use Snapchat so I don’t know if you’ve heard from them or not.

Hawaiian bread bread/rolls are so good. I haven’t had them in awhile. Maybe I’ll see if the grocery store has some next time I go. They’re sweet so go really good with coffee.

It's sunny and snow is melting

I think I'm gonna buy myself some kind of chocolate treat for Valentine's Day.

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Tomorrow I finish a book which I consider a milestone for canon literature. Next The brother's Karamazov. I've read a sample of dostoevsky when I was green, glad to start his masterpiece though.

On another note, what kind of side effects can I expect from Gabapentin and Trazadone? I'm looking for softer alternatives than Remeron and Doxepin. It might just be a short experiment, but I have to try. The side effects of Doxepin make me weary, it's raised my blood pressure quite high.

I only want to take these for sleep aids, so will coordination be a problem throughout the day for Gabapentin, or will said effects go away by the time I wake up?

Christ... all of that reading! I wanted to read some dostoevsky - It is on the list...

Gabapentin (I tried it a few days ago lol..) made me feel spacey and tired so I stopped. Trazadone gives me heart palps like seroquel and remeron. But all of these should just make you tired - Which is what you want to sleep so..

The coordination from gabapentin goes away after a few days or a week etc... You build tolerance pretty quickly but it's calming and tranquil (Almost like weed without the high).

I'm not sure if it's the psilocybin microdose or Wellbutrin but I feel like I don't want to do anything physically.. couch locked almost. It could be from skipping a 30mg Vyvanse.

Tomorrow I take both Vyvanse + Wellbutrin and no microdose so I might be more motivated like yesterday. I just don't want to get into the nonsense of conspiracies anymore - My objectivity was terrible in the first place so I just get overwhelmed a little.

My mind is calmer - But I get obsessed with one intrusive thought each for longer. It's really weird what is happening. I just need a break from the stress.

Although I am able to read through things for longer periods of time - My concentration is better.

"I definitely agree to feeling "flat" on Wellbutrin, however I'd rather be flat than suicidal."

Stash is the sweetest little cat. She woke me up in the morning giving me kisses on my nose to get me to let her under the blanket with me

I’m going back on the Trileptal. I’m just too impulsive and agitated off it. Plus I spent 3 days earlier this week only sleeping 2 hours a night. That’s probably not good. I’m just going to leave things alone and not change my meds anymore.

Doing well with this

Lmao my cat does this every time I go to bed. She goes under the covers for sensory deprivation and then sits with me after she knows she's safe - Skittish cat..

Now that my nails are breaking I’m convinced all my psych issues have been due to thyroid problems….what if?

I ordered a 1lb Reese’s heart for myself for Valentine’s Day