Roll Call 191

45 minutes is great though…..

So I’ve gotta see the doctor again today…I was in so much pain last night.

I really hope you feel better soon

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I have some cleaning to do. Need to go grocery shopping but gonna do it tomorrow instead of today. Wednesday I have an appointment with my psychiatrist.

I made my next dental appointment since they said to schedule two, so I have one on May 6th and one on May 9th. I’ll have more appointments after those.

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If I keep it up I should be out of the overweight bmi zone by August. Then maybe 7 more months after that I’ll reach my goal.

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I feel euphoria

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So went to doc….they said not a uti…probably a kidney stone……supposed to be super painful like childbirth…..suckage……called to get an ultrasound and the hospital said they didn’t do that kind so the dr needed to change it which delays things further. Alternative possibility some sort of ovarian cyst or cancer so I’ve gotta get a gyno appointment but the earliest was next Wednesday like next week not in two days.

I hope it's just kidney stones and not anything else. I had some really bad kidney stones as a teen. They hurt so bad to the point of making me physically sick, and they wouldn't come out so I had to get a lithotripsy done (a procedure done under anesthesia) to get them out, then had a stent put in. I hope if you have them they pass quickly

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HUGS SP, I hope you start feeling better soon.

I told my doctor that I was sui and I hate him so I drank a lot of alcohol

My mom screwed me up. I screwed me up. She's a hypocrite. I've been doing good and trusted. I wish I could be trusted.

I am nothing. But I have memories of being something. And they all cut it out of my body like removing my heart and it's just a bloody mess.

Hugs….what did you doc say?

An ex boyfriend of mine from High School and I have been talking for the past several months. He’s stationed in Kansas and also going to Poland soon or something (in the military) anyway, he is going to come here to visit me when he gets back

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I think it might be time to get over my fear of relationships and start dating again. I haven’t been in a relationship since I was 18 years old and now I’m 27.

We dated when we were like 15 or 16 and I don’t think either of us was mature enough or ready for a relationship back then

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You totally should…relationships can be so beneficial.

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Are you ok? Talk to us?

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He said he knows that if I'm in complete danger of self, I know that I can come in and tell him - And it's true.

Don't worry, am OK.

I just needed a small escape/little more dopamine. I feel better. I've been getting slightly paranoid lately (Could be THC) but I haven't smoked in a few days now.

<3 I hope you'll be OK SP. Hopefully it's just a kidney stone. If not, the thing can still be treated.

Yeah I've considered it before. Not sure if it's for me. Probably is. Honestly. I mean I have so much trouble when I get really messed up mental-health wise.

I've just "powered through it" in the past. I am starting to wonder if that's a bad strategy.

The reason I asked is that’s the path you’re taking if you quit everything from work to grad school. If things are that severe then you should consider it, that’s what it’s there for. But your thesis doesn’t have a hard timeline so why not take a break or just set two hours a day to work on it or something? For you things seem cyclic to me. Take a break and try again later?

Ok….glad you’re okayish….we’re always here if talking will help.

That's a good point. I know things are cyclical for me, that's why I didn't take any action towards quitting school. At least in the past year and a half I haven't quit school, which is a good thing. If I could take the whole work thing off the table for now, I think I'd be able to focus on my thesis.

Anyway, that's a full-time job in and of itself. Anyone who says it's not is lying.

I just think there's all this pressure on me to work and go to school and that's really causing me a whole lot of stress.

Anyway, thanks for your post. I do appreciate it.

Also part of it is the meds. Whenever I go down on Klonopin I get SEVERE anxiety.

I think I'm going to be optimistic from now on. As long as I'm only in a mild-moderate burning hell lol

But no.. It's just my mind. I have a good life. I just need to figure things out.

Oh I didn’t realize you were working again….I basically took off a month to write mine.

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I'm not technically "employed" but there's pressure on me (maybe self-imposed) to make money.