Roll Call 191

1) listen to your body….how do you feel physically
2) listen to your emotions, don’t block them
3) listen to your intuition

In that order….

Your unhappiness is trying to help you to become happy…..by steering you away from stuff that isn’t working.

If any of it is from your parents tell them thesis is priority one…you need a month unblocked to make those years of school worthwhile. Two you can get a better job with the masters. Just my thoughts…

HUGS Desoxyn, HUGS WA

My essential self is dying SP. I will read the rest of the book soon.

Was really feeling like I was going to SH. I texted my therapist. She had me do a pros and cons list. I did and sent it to her. In the meantime I took some Xanax. She got back to me asking how else I could self comfort and what would stop me from doing it and if she gave me $25 to send to one of my kiddos that I sponsor would it stop me form self harming for like a week. So she was basically bribing me? I didn't know how to answer that. I took more Xanax (still okay, not abusing it, I can take up to four pills a day). And I took a whole Olanzapine instead of half. I can take up to two. I am so freaking numbed out now. No pain. No nothing. I don't exist .

I’ve been there….I blocked my essential self entirely and that lead to my first psychosis….then I found all this stuff I wanted to do and try….it was unleashed, the essential self. Shamanism, sure why not? Art was different and hobbies and even career and personality. I feel like I’ve lapsed back into listening to the social self to some extent but essential self is still there telling me to travel etc. we’re so wrapped up in social convention the essential self gets tamped down and hidden and suppressed. Only you know what your future holds and I know it will be awesome for you if you listen to what tiny whispers your essential self gives.

Hugs SK….this may sound weird but what goals do you have that are just for you right now. Like something fun. Redecorating your office etc. try to focus on those pure joy moments.

Don't worry.. The numbness goes away after a few hours or a good sleep =] It isn't how you will forever feel - But it does feel like that in the moment.. Cuz numbness sucks. It's like your soul fading away.

But you will feel better soon - Small steps..

I don't think you're being bribed - I think your therapist has good intentions.

All about love is what this world is.

This is interesting because beck was talking about joy and joy lite….joy lite tends to be substance or other things that bring temporary relief or even joy….but you can’t relieve those moments to feel the same joy. Pure joy is something you can think back on and feel relaxed and wonderful just thinking about it. Sorry to be parroting beck all day but she has so many insights I never considered.

I think it's basically what I've been describing the whole time. Smart kid with ADHD, playful/curious, then processed through the machine to conform and being empty, conform to societal expectations, school, work, my mom's ex, etc..

The way I reacted to the nonsense crushed my soul i guess

I know it's easy to feel numbed out on the olanzapine and Xanax. I can relate. I feel like the fact that you took your PRN meds is a good thing. It means you know how to cope when those thoughts come up. You're totally doing the right things! Texting a T is a great thing to do, and it sounds like she cares about you.

That’s exactly it…..think of the psychosis as a gift in some ways…..at least for me it was…it freed me from social expectations. Once people know you hear voices there’s not much wrong with wearing a blue wig or butterfly wings etc. I’ve reigned it in a bit because there are legit social expectations especially when you need to make money and you’re hiding the bipolar but I just did a visualization and in twenty years or so I’ll be a colorful and rocking librarian doing my thing open and free….it will be glorious. It looks like in ten I’ll be straight laced and working to hide my color again but sometimes money is a driving force what can I say.

In your case though you’ve got income so if you want to travel or whatever you want you can do it. I’m not sure but you might have to break free from your mom to reach your true self, maybe not though. Only you know. But I have no doubt that you can find yourself again. You know who you were but at least for me I was someone entirely new. Let yourself explore the world with the mind of a child….it’s not no or don’t do that but if it won’t hurt me or anyone else let me try it once. Eventually you’ll find your path.

SK have you ever considered working for Disney? What would it take to make something wild like that happen and would you be happier?

Well Disney is too far away! It's like 2.5 hours and I can't move without my parents because they help me with stuff. I do like my job just sometimes there isn't enough work to do. I am feeling better after the Xanax and Olanzapine and I am starting to not feel quite so numbed out. I'm contemplating when to take my next week off work. Probably sometime in April. Just kick back. Relax. And have no stress. Sometimes it's stressful not having enough stuff to do. But I am grateful because it allows me time to come here and be with you guys!

I know I’m spouting off a lot of advice today so disclaimer…only you know what works for you listen to your inner self.

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

You know I’ve been there with too little to do….I just asked for more work. So that shows initiative and an investment in the company as a whole….what would happen if you asked for more?

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

Yeah I am going to be getting two new tasks. I am just not sure when. Probably after the quarter ends. So that will help.

Feeling stressed out thinking about the possibility of getting into a relationship. I am nervous about the whole thing, excited that it may be possible but still nervous and stressed about the whole thing. Like I had made peace with the fact that I'd probably be single for the rest of my life, getting into a relationship would be a huge change

And stressed in general because I want to go back to school, start volunteering, and eventually get a part-time job. All major changes

Those are all positive and awesome changes but still changes I know. Take it as fast or slow as you’re feeling.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I took a .125g mush gummy and CBD oil.

I might lie down..

Edit: My mom made salad. I'll eat that.

Thanks, I'll probably take things one at a time

Having really bad sugar cravings today. Maybe I just want it to relieve stress

I am having 2 pirouette cookies this coming Saturday but other than that trying to avoid it except for in fruit. I just had some unsweetened applesauce, it didn't really help with the cravings or anxiety though so now I'm just drinking water and trying hard to distract myself. I seriously hope this gets easier over time because this sucks right now

I know it does get easier though because I went a couple years where I was rarely eating any kind of sugary candy, ice cream, pastry, etc. And after awhile it just became habit to not eat it. But it's still only the first week now

Have you had at least 1200 calories today?

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

Yes I had about exactly 1200 calories today

The thing is I went from eating around 2,000 calories a day with no activity to around 1200 a day with exercising and also massively cutting down on sugar, so my body is probably just not used to it