Roll Call 193

Learning driving rules today.. I understand most of the stuff - But experience would be better.

We're going for a walk today - And my mom will let me drive the car back.

I notice that it's much easier to drive on the stim cuz I can focus. Cuz I tried getting a drivers license at 16 years old - I drove into oncoming traffic for a few seconds.. Not my best moment! I also took a PLANE flying lesson - I was so anxious and psychotic at that time man..

Putting in an application this week for the library

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I’m trying to think of a second place to put in an application in case I don’t get that job. I think I’ll be able to but I want to make sure I have other options too.

But I don’t know where. Maybe a bookstore or something

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I get tired of being around my mom. I love my mom but it's too much. I said I was feeling bad cuz I thought that she accused me of putting alcohol in my water (She said that she thought it was juice) and she said "I can't handle you always feeling bad" - It's not always but she doesn't understand. My negative symptoms are really bad, it was a beautiful day but I couldn't appreciate it. Her yelling at the TV for every goal when she was drunk really freaked me out last night. I don't enjoy sports - It's like I don't enjoy anything. I'm different. I try really hard to enjoy life. So I walked all the way back and took phenibut (Because I tried to quit).

I told her "It's like bipolar - It's not my fault". Like do I WANT to be like this? **** no! I do everything I can/in my power to not feel bad (Including the 50 drugs I took and meds) and it doesn't work. This is my default setting.

I would do anything to not feel like this so I become suicidal as an escape - That's why that makes sense.

I think I asked this before but have you tried cbt…pure cbt like on the woebot app….or with someone who’s actually practicing cbt instead of just saying they are.

I haven't tried.. I should =/

The Concept of Mental Pain - FullText - Psychotherapy and Psychosomatics 2013, Vol. 82, No. 2 - Karger Publishers

^ This article is helping me understand this..

Had some jalapeño poppers for dinner

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Feeling better. Little unfocused.. But am ok.

Preparing to be OK with completing the eternal circle of life/nonsense.

I ran on the treadmill today. Makes me feel so much better.

I am considering getting a non-smart phone. I think my tech is literally destroying me. I am on the computer all day.

I feel such nostalgia for when the iPod was cool and stuff.

I can't do all of the things at once!!

My new pdoc said that Topamax will make you stupid basically and I agree with him. I guess that’s why they call it Dopeamax.

Everybody is still so worried about me… I have to come up with a plan. Also, I have a migraine but I’m gonna wait a minute on the Maxalt because I just took an antidepressant & I’m worried about serotonin syndrome.

HUGS convalescence. I hope your migraine goes away soon!

I’ve been so thirsty and thirsty and thirsty lately (way more than normal) so I went to the doctor and there’s really three things I could be:

1. Lithium toxicity
2. Diabetes
3. Psychogenic polydipsia (psychologically thinking you are thirsty which happens sometimes if you have schizophrenia or related disorders)

I mean as long as it’s not diabetes I can handle it. I can’t handle if it’s diabetes.

Blood test should tell me tomorrow what’s up.

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Hope all will be well cogladaid! HUG!!

Hugs cog…..I’m prediabetic now so I know what you’re saying. I’m really trying to cut back on sugar so it doesn’t happen but it’s rough. The diet is so measured if you actually end up with diabetes like Xg of carb per day, etc. Sorry you’re dealing with all this medical stuff.

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Hey SK, how are you today?

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Hey SP. I'm okay. Dealing with some paranoia but I do not want to take the Lybalvi because it makes me a complete Zombie. It is way too sedating.

Things are okay at work. I wish I had a few more projects because my bosses were here and it is hard to look busy. My coworker that I have trouble communicating with is here from NY but we seem to be communicating better in person than we do on Microsoft Teams.

I had my T appointment last night. It went pretty well I think. I don't think we are getting to the meat and bones of things, but staying kind of surfacey. I don't know what to do about that.

I am kind of anxious today but I am trying to cope. It's hard.

How are you doing? HUG Kit

Sometimes I feel like the meat and bones are best buried….sometimes it’s better to deal with immediate issues, at least for what I’d had going on, ymmv.
Glad you’re communicating better with your coworker…

I’m ok, we might get Chinese soup for lunch, like a chicken rice.

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Chinese soup sounds good. I had chicken lo mein over the weekend. Delicious. Last night I had Panda Express: orange chicken and fried rice. Yum.

Bf loves the Lo mein…..I’m more for the orange chicken…..both are delish though…..

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Agreed. Chinese food/Japanese food are some of my favorites. I also like Hawaiian BBQ! Yum. Maybe I will ask my parents if we can get that for my birthday. (June 29).

I’ve never had Hawaiian BBQ…..sounds awesome though.

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Oh my gosh. So delicious! I don't have any big desire to go to Hawaii but if I ever do I want to go to an authentic Hawaiian BBQ. I used to have a boss who is Hawaiian and he introduced me to the food. It is amazing! If you ever get a chance to try it, definitely do so.