Roll Call 193

As anticipated, my Mom isn't thrilled about me getting a tattoo, but she didn't chew me out or anything. I didn't speak to my Dad but I know he will be okay with it. I really wanted to get it done before my birthday but it is going to happen after. My goal in Aftercare last night was to have this conversation with my parents. I hope it counts that I started the conversation on text message and then followed up with a phone call! The therapist didn't know what the conversation was going to be about but he was like very much encouraging me to talk to my folks.

I had signs of depersonalization two nights ago, I went to concentrate for 1-2 hours (Searching about Russian nootropics) - After that, I started to get derealization...

I told my mom and she understood, asked me if I took anything (Microdose, alcohol?) I said no.. I did drink a shot of rum earlier that afternoon but nothing else.. I was wondering if it was the 1g of vitamin C (I took it because of a type of COVID brain fog/tiredness that I've never experienced before..). I thought of my head being non-existent and just my spine existing, receiving radio signals - That's what it felt like.

I told her to just pretend that I'm fine.. I started staring at my things.. I would say "You're fine".. and I'd have to correct myself and say "Stop talking in 3rd person.. I'M fine!!".. and the thoughts drag on forever, "What is "I", what is "you""... I noticed that I wouldn't just be standing up, freaking out about what I'm doing, staring at things if I was fine..

Eventually it faded away once I started to lie down/rest... + zopiclone, I fell asleep and went to work. It was a good day at work - I did some extra things and stayed a little longer.. When I was going to leave, my boss gave me a hug and she said "Best worker ever!" - They're grateful to have me working there I guess... + The OCD symptoms/perfectionism makes me a good worker..

I'm writing things down for when I see my doctor on Monday and my psychiatrist in July.. I only took one 15mg Dexedrine - It's hard not to take two but that just depletes my dopamine (And is probably what would cause more dissociation in the future if I continued). I'll ask my doctor about taking two 10mg..

I want to ask my doctor as well about vitamin D deficiency (I always take 1000 IU every morning - But some people take like 10-20k IU) - And that it can help with DP/DR.

Desoxyn you are so smart! I absolutely adore you! I wish I had half as much intelligence as you! Hug my friend.

Oh my goodness. Still like 50 minutes left of work. Can't wait for it to be the weekend. TGIF!

I don't know why I am always the one to take out the restroom trash at work. I know SOMEONE has to do it, but it is a shared space. It should be a shared responsibility. But it isn't. It's like everyone else walks by it blindly while the paper towels start to pile up on the floor around the trash can.

Oh well. I will do my bit to keep the workplace a little tidier. Plus it will kill five minutes. I guess if it only takes five minutes out of my day I really should not grumble and complain about it! Just sometimes I am annoyed that no one else can like ever think about changing the bin.

Dump some of it all over them, then put the rest in the toilet and flush it a few times.

No jk - I am the one that always does the things that others won't do so I understand ^-;

Yeah, in the long run it does a lot to put a little kindness and consideration into the world, even if one is irritated by other's lack of seeing the mess! It's usually best to just do what is right, even when other's aren't! Take care!!! HUGS

Thank you! I'm proud of myself too. I'm always on the verge of panic attacks while sitting in a dentist chair, and shaking, etc, so 3 dentist appointments in one week is a huge deal for me. I'm glad I'm getting it all taken care of

Being alive is complete torture

I'm craving chocolate but it's in the 80's today and will be like 95 degrees tomorrow, so I really don't feel up to walking to the store in that kind of heat

I'm struggling with the change to risperidone. I guess I feel like this pent-up energy that is kind of weird. I'm struggling with loneliness. My best friend went out of town and now is not responding to my texts. Honestly I feel really bad about the whole thing. I wish she had never left town, and I wish we had times like we used to have. So weird. And depressing, honestly. I am depressed but won't admit it to myself. Well, I guess I just did. I guess I thought everything was going to "go back to normal." But it does not seem to have done that.

I have therapy and other stuff on Monday - I just feel like I cannot cope right now.

I am scared the med change is not going too well.

Give it a couple weeks before you decide….

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Yeah you're totally right... I was thinking about just altering the course myself but after reading that I think it makes more sense to stay the course for a little while at least. Thanks.

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Sorry you're experiencing that - can you try to distract yourself by interacting more with the cats?

Thanks! Yeah I could try that

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I exercised at the gym this morning. Anyway, that has been really good for me lately.

I am still kind of freaked out about the med change...

Still going to try to stay the course though

So I have to realize...

That this particular reality is aware of itself (My mind). In most other realities, there would be a confusion (Such as when we are babies). The main node becomes aware, and then is allowed to manifest anything within the environment.

But we are in the 3rd dimension. So I'm excited to go into higher dimensions - Become God-like and travel where ever I want (Time travel, etc). I think time travel requires technology (Such as microchips), consciousness/light and drugs.

I just have a small hope-delusion that my consciousness will be uploaded to the CLOUD with Neuralink etc.. My main fear is that sociopaths will torture copies of myself but it could be worth it. I think that would bypass the having to die, become reincarnated randomly or go to hell etc.. We will go to hell or heaven randomly if our minds aren't connected with true religions, philosophies.

Although I would like to think that I will be with my family in the afterlife, in some sort of "heaven" - It'll probably be like that. But since I have schiz, things can be horrifying - Like my few second nightmare during a microsleep.. It was the most horrifying dream I've ever had - 1000x worse than the fear from psychosis.. It's possible.

We must make our own way - And suffering through doing hard things makes you appreciate life and... just to sensitize the pleasure, desensitize the pain.. We can't just sit around, doing nothing.. The brain needs cognitive stimulation.

And all of the things that I'm supposed to do.. Start a chemistry course, try and learn a new language (Such as Spanish.. before I vacation in Mexico this Fall).. I wish I could do it all..

Sometimes I have to realize that I can't do it all, but I can do enough of the things I love doing, such that I have a satisfying life... Easier said than done though.

I don't think anything in earth life is random. Maybe more random than pure consciousness, it depends on a lot

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