Roll Call 193

Got my bloodwork back that I did on the 4th. I haven't seen my doctor yet (that is on the 30th) but I looked at the report. Everything looks good. I am no longer pre-diabetic. Yeah! My glucose was good and my cholesterol was good! Everything looked really good. I faxed a copy to my pdoc since he never orders any labs.

I’ve been learning a lot while working on my borderline traits & my relations to others.
Finally see my psychiatrist tomorrow… I hope that it goes well. I should make a list today of all that I experienced.

I hope your pdoc appointment goes well convalescence.

Oh good! I wonder when I'll see it. Probably not anytime soon.

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feeling incredibly lonely today as two of my friends that I lean on for support are leaving today for Israel. They will be gone for two weeks. I did convince one to get What's App and the other had it so we will sort of be able to talk. But just feeling scared I guess.

This is going to be another stupidly long boring day at work. No work to do. I should get some invoicing later but right now, nothing is happening!

I texted my T to let her know that I am feeling kind of fragile and unwell at the moment.

I got out of bed in afternoon. Less motivation.

It's okay now =]

Drank a coffee, took some time to wake up.

Motivation at full speed - But on what?? Idk..

I need to talk to people IRL.. Wanting to be social is a good sign..

Yes it is!

Trying to hang in there until I can talk to my T tonight but it's hard.

Difference between disorganized schizophrenia and ADHD shows no results

I feel like a failure

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What’s wrong Blue_Bird?

This is really interesting, but I’m not surprised. Don’t they both have to do with dopamine supposedly?

Yeah my best friend left town a month ago or so and it sucks. Sorry. I understand the feeling though.

I have a job interview tomorrow. My therapist is making me feel like I shouldn't go or something. Sometimes I hate mental health treatment. Like when is it going to end?

I feel like I should just take meds and ditch all therapy but then people would worry about me.

I wish I would just stay the course with things. But I can't do that.

Apparently I am not capable of doing that.

I should have just stayed the course with the 15 mg olanzapine.

But no, I decided to cancel the appointment with the psychiatrist who prescribed that. And go back to my old psychiatrist. I feel like nobody has been able to help me unpack all this.

I wish I could stop just making impulsive decisions. But it's only with mental health professionals that I do it. And then my therapist says I basically have control issues. Which is probably right but I don't really care.

And there are so many moving parts. Like there's the meds. There's Covid still out there. There's therapy. There's treating every part of me like it's instrumental in some way. I don't get it. I truly don't get the reality we live in today...

On top of that I went to the dentist today. I don't know why it's important. But I felt anxious there. And I feel like anxiety is just rampant these days. Among everyone. But me especially.

Hugs BB you're not a failure. You're strong, have dealt with a lot of stuff, overcame struggles and are doing so well!

I know self doubt too well myself and we can't let it get in the way.. Tomorrow is a new day - If you could get some good sleep, that would help..

Wake up, relax.. Maybe it's a time to contemplate/reflect and there's nothing wrong with that!.. Disconnect from the thoughts - Realize that there's unneeded torment.. the mind making stuff up to hurt you..

If you could press "1" and lean on the "0" key until you're 80 years old, that's kind of how many years I've accepted to wait for reality to get better. But I'm not waiting any longer than that.

No jk idk.. At some point, you have to make/create your own destiny. That's the point - There's no point if we know what comes next..

Thank you so much Desoxyn, I appreciate that. I didn’t get any sleep the night previous, zero, so that might be a contributing factor to why I was feeling upset and agitated yesterday. I slept good last night and feel okay this morning so far. I really needed the sleep.

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I'm sorry you felt like a failure Blue_Bird. I get that. I think we have all been there at some point. I don't think you are a failure, for what it is worth. You are a kind, compassionate person who loves her kitties, and is working hard to take care of herself and you are a good sister and a good friend. HUG Kit

Why does your therapist not want you to go?

Thank you, WA

I’ve had to call in sick to work last two days because I’ve been dizzy. I’m like 99% sure it’s a side effect to the lamotrigine. I called the doctor about it and I’m waiting to hear back. I feel fine when I lay down but I can’t work or eat or drink or anything really while laying down.

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