Roll Call 194

I’m buying my best friend a copy of the London Travel Guidebook for a random gift, the same one I got for myself. Since we’re planning a trip to London in a few years. Shipping it to her since we live in different states now.

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Since I was almost hospitalized in the psych hospital again last month, I looked into getting a Psychiatric Advance Health Care Directive so that I could have my Dad or my Sister act as my agent if I am deemed unable to make decisions about my care. So I contacted a lawyer and told her what I wanted. She asked for $350 up front via Zelle so I sent it to her. Then I sent her the requested information. A few hours later, I get a Durable Power of Attorney for Finances. I was like, what's this? This isn't what I was expecting. It didn't have anything in there about health care or psychiatric care. So I replied to the woman and was like, um, I don't think this is what I requested. I told her I was heading to bed for the night and if she had questions about what I wanted we could talk in the morning. When I got up in the morning, I checked my email on the phone and there was an Advance Health Care Directive that covers medical and psychiatric stuff. With nothing filled out. I probably could have saved myself the $350 and found it online somewhere. Although finding one that was CA specific might have been a bit harder but anyway, so now I have that to fill out. But then I was wondering about the financial one and trying to figure out if I needed that one. So I am asking several people that I know and trust what they think. The lawyer lady said I needed it. So complicated. I just wanted someone to be able to make decisions for me if I am in the psych hospital and they don't think I can take care of myself. Now I have like 42 pages of a Health Care Directive and 20 something pages of a financial directive. I am in way over my head.

It's nice to have something to look forward to, and plan, and dream about!

Are you a planner or a spontaneous type of person? I'm both. I remember a day in my 20s when I had a strong urge to get on a plane and go that day. I have wished ever since that I had just gone, with a small travel bag.

I never went at all. If you're more impulsive, going without planning is a fun whirlwind.

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I'm a planner. It's gonna take a long time to save up and research the place, where we want to go, hotels, etc which is why we're panning for 3 years from now. I think it will give me something to look forward to/be excited about and a reason to save money. Plus when I go I'll have to have my cats boarded somewhere while I' m gone

Why are mozzarella cheese sticks so good?!!

My T is random. I texted her:
"Anxiety! Anxiety! Anxiety!"
She texted back:
"No!!!!!!!! Ok. Anxiety."
Um, how is that even remotely helpful? I took half of an Olanzapine. I am supposed to take Lybalvi but I cannot tolerate the dose so I had some leftover Olanzapine and took that. I already took anxiety medication and it barely made any sort of dent.

That's great! My cat was still with me that day and I had always gone to my natal city for longer than just a weekend, but it might have been one of the factors that kept me from going.

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It was so cute the way my cat used to vomit or cough up hairballs on my bed everytime I had to leave her for a few days. It was gross, but very cute.

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I'm making some potato sticks right now. They're potato sticks that are filled with cheddar cheese and bacon

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Wow! That sounds amazing!

Once my cat Esther, who is now in Heaven, left me a dead, bloody bird in my bed. I refused to even touch the sheets. My parents changed them for me! I was like ew! Gross!

Cats are cute but they do end up doing some pretty gross things. Not that I would trade in my beauties for the world!

Does anyone else have trouble explaining their delusions? Well I think this is a delusion. My T says it is psychosis. Is that even the same thing? I don't know.

All I know is that I have been having trouble lately with these thoughts that people are eating my thoughts. It is okay if I write them down but if I say them out loud people are eating them as soon as I have them and they are then hiding them from me. A friend wanted to know more about it but I don't know. It's very confusing to me as well. It just feels like that is what is happening. It's like how can I even talk about it when people are eating my thoughts as soon as I have them? I really hope my pdoc has some good tricks up his sleeves because I would love to get my thoughts back to normal. Whatever normal is.

So I had more more ease after the delusions were treated but I. The time they seem real and often the rationale are spurious. Like I thought people wanted to recruit me just because they were wearing sunglasses

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Yeah I have trouble explaining them sometimes. For awhile I thought the government was out to get me. I literally would be hiding in my closet sometimes because I thought they were after me. Then sometimes I think people can hear my thoughts. And a lot of the time I think people are talking about me and making fun of me constantly. I try to explain it as best as I can to my doctor, I'm not good at explaining things, but she seems to understand though because the adjustments she's made have helped. Hopefully your doctor can help you

^ These are the delusions that I used to get.

After the trip, it's religious delusions. So while medicated, I have to figure those out instead.

Delusions;

1. certainty (held with absolute conviction)
2. incorrigibility (not changeable by compelling counterargument or proof to the contrary)
3. impossibility or falsity of content (implausible, bizarre, or patently untrue)
4. not amenable to understanding (i.e., belief cannot be explained psychologically)

All of this is really philosophical if you think about it.. My life isn't affected by this stuff right now (As long as I take the olanzepine).

Although I don't remember much - Even of the past few months or days.

I feel like lowering the Klonopin again!

Also I “broke up” with my best friend. I am really sad about it.

It's gonna be a bumpy ride for sure. I'm not sure what's going to happen.. or what's happening now, in my reality.. But it's something big. I can feel it. I'm too aware for the nonsense that I've been putting myself through.

I hate reality. Life is beautiful.

No but.. I feel like I could die. Why am I so scared of death..

It's all torture. I mean it!

Haha! That would have froke me out. It's one of the reasons my cat lived such a long life, she encountered a lot less of risks because she was petrified of the outside.

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Spent some time staring at the "Something went wrong. Just don't panic." Reddit screen.

All I need to do is refresh, but I'll continue.

Hell that's all I do - I can stare at this screen too.

How are Screens Affecting our Cognition? | Talking About Thinking