Roll Call 194

What happened WA?

Well my best friend has a new significant other and she was saying she and her new partner have a rule where they cannot see people of the opposite sex. And that totally ruins our friendship because I was her friend. We weren't going out or anything, just platonic friends. Anyway, really disappointing. I used to do a lot with her, we would text a lot and do hikes and stuff.

Wow that’s sad. What a lack of trust in their relationship. sorry that happened.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Idk what to tell my mom. That I'm struggling.. But isn't everyone. When I explain what I just did above, there's never really any answer. It's just unknown, silence. I'm not sure what it is. But everyone's living their lives - I screaming out for an answer. Maybe I'm negative, depressed. Adaptable people are smart and can navigate their way through anything - I'm not truly alive. I think I never will be. It's where I've been forced to suffocate the thing, deep down, out of fear.

Maybe people don't like to hear me complaining - And I just have to continue with life. I wanted to live last night so I didn't use anymore of something that would stop my heart. I wake up this morning, the same as mostly every morning. The only reason I wanted to live is because of my mom. Otherwise, I'd go completely insane and do what I want. Death is like DMT - Except more risky.

I wish there was a peaceful non-existence. But that's not possible - It's 'something', all the way down - Or up.. or wherever I'm going. I hate it so much. As much as I try to ignore the fact that this illusion, not identifying with any of it - Cuz I know the ugly truth.. Negativity is what I am and there's no changing that. Something for people to judge, dismiss, hate and use.

"I can't see things the same way as you, positively"

Is what I'll say to my mom. I just want people to leave me alone and stop trying to include me into life. Because when I do that, it's terrible.

Phenibut kicked in

Sorry. I don't mean to keep doing this. lol..

My psychiatrist will sort things out on the 15th.

I am moving back in with my parents. Can't tolerate being alone. I lived in a place that wasn't good for my mental health for around a year.

Edit: actually that's not happening. I am staying at my current place...

So my mom says that it's OK for me to even just stare at a wall - And be interested by my own thoughts. Most people need filler, relationship, etc.

I said.. My parents didn't talk to me much as a kid - And I realize that it was cuz I always wanted to be alone and never talk to anyone so it was difficult.

Good decisions, more awareness I have.. And that I feel uncomfortable with too much praise but also, appreciate criticism.. - She said that she treads carefully on criticizing me though because I stay alone again and completely dwell on it. But it helps me grow so I'm OK with that.

I just got my 6 month eating disorder free milestone a few minutes ago!!

Why is music so damn amazing. It’s truly the best thing ever

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Of course! Music is amazing. I am listening to some right now.

Trying to motivate myself to clean. That's really all I have to do today. I just need to get it over with

Same here, listening to some old favorites I've rediscovered and drinking a coffee

I need a new mattress. They're so expensive though. And I don't know how I'd get one up to my 3rd floor apartment, or how I'd get rid of my old one. They would be too heavy for me to move

IKEA has pretty good deals and they rolls them so you can move them but you do need a car….other mattress companies are more expensive but they’ll deliver and then dispose of the old for a fee.

Maybe I’ll look into that. My sister has a car so she might be able to help

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I went to the gym today - ran on the treadmill for 30. It is imperative that I do that every day. I feel so much better.

Coloring…

Nice! I was just looking at fall crafts today too

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

"That said, here are the top 7 benefits of coloring:

Your brain experiences relief by entering a meditative state
Stress and anxiety levels have the potential to be lowered
Negative thoughts are expelled as you take in positivity
Focusing on the present helps you achieve mindfulness
Unplugging from technology promotes creation over consumption
Coloring can be done by anyone, not just artists or creative types
It’s a hobby that can be taken with you wherever you go"

Yeah I find it really helpful for anxiety and stress

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I keep thinking about how much I hate myself. Just as a person. I don’t know why. I feel like a freak

My paranoia has been bad

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I can't seem to shake the fear that people are out to get me since that situation on Thursday

Sent from my M8L using Tapatalk

I also feel like everyone in the building is making fun of me and whispering/laughing at me whenever there's people talking

Sent from my M8L using Tapatalk

One week from tomorrow (on the 18th) is the day I'm volunteering at that place that serves free meals to the community. Hoping it goes well. I'm kind of stressed about it but I know I'll be glad I did it.

This Wednesday I have an appointment with an advisor from my college to fill out paperwork and get re-enrolled/pick a class.

Sent from my M8L using Tapatalk