Roll Call 194

What is the opposite of fear?

Interesting, for sure!

I have decided I am going to reduce the Klonopin a little bit today. The worst that can happen is I have to take the full amount. I will leave a message for my psychiatrist too.

I'm disappointed. My therapist texted me at 4:13 AM and said "I am going back to Vegas today so I won't be able to keep our Zoom appointment tonight. Ok to reschedule it for next Tuesday at 6?"

I haven't responded yet because I feel sort of disappointed and hurt. I don't know why. It's just a missed appointment. It shouldn't be a big deal. Ugh. Why am I making it a big deal in my head?!

I faxed my pdoc last week with the symptoms I have been having that my T says is psychosis.

So he sent me a message in the portal telling me he would put me back on Olanzapine and he wants to up my Latuda to 120 MG. I have an appointment with him on Thursday but I guess he is going to do this now.

I've been at my breaking point for the past 10 years ^-;

This helps;



So does this;

It's weird. I'm like not hungry at all today. Hmm.

I texted my T and told her I was disappointed we wouldn't be able to talk tonight. But I also told her that I hoped she enjoyed Las Vegas.

I have a job interview tomorrow. I don't know if I can do it.

I feel like I psyche myself out for job interviews. But for a good reason. I can't handle the stress of a full-time job. That sounds like a taboo to most people. But I literally cannot handle the stress.

Good luck on the interview. I hope if it is a good fit that everything will fall into place. Wishing you peace tomorrow so you do not stress. HUGS WA

Like is life all about economic productivity? I feel like that's what has been impressed upon me by many people.

Yeah. Working full time is really stressful. Working any time is stressful. Kudos for keeping at it!

I'm a little annoyed that my T hasn't gotten back to me (yet). She probably will. It will be at like 2 AM or some random time, I'm sure. I texted her at 10:40 AM and it is now a little after 3 PM. So maybe she hasn't seen the text. I don't know. Why is the therapy relationship so annoyingly difficult?!!

I am a chaos. I advise that people do what ever they want, for the good of themselves.

Edit: And other people? But there's just too many people.. Many don't have enough consciousness .. or internal monologue.. If you took the world and multiplied it by 1,000,000,000 with different people.. What does the energy of the brains have - compared to the energy of a whole country for example? It flows, transforms.. It.Is.Shared.

It all comes from my mind.. And God.. Does he have a life.. can he die.. We'll all find out one day.

People try to control the thing. Manifesting their own morals, to change society. But they just branch off into billions of dimensions, going where I.Am.Not (And sometimes brush towards where i am..).. But I decide.. And since no one is me, and I will become thee, they must decide.

Together, we decide, my imaginary entities..

No nvm guys. My mind is just overloaded.

I am just kinda afraid if I take this job then I won't have time for therapy and/or psychiatry appointments. I know, kind of paradoxical, but still.

And I am pretty sure work is not equivalent to therapy or psychiatry. So I don't know... It's all very confusing to me.

It's confusing to me as well, so you're not alone. It's really hard to make that type of decision when young.

“The usual theory of eternal inflation predicts that globally, our universe is like an infinite fractal with a mosaic of different pocket universes, separated by an inflating ocean. The local laws of physics and chemistry can differ from one pocket universe to another, which together would form a multiverse. But I have never been a fan of the multiverse. If the scale of different universes in the multiverse is large or infinite, the theory can’t be tested.” - Stephen Hawking.

Gotta love Stephen Hawking. And that quote makes total sense, too.

I'm gonna stop the Dexedrine and exercise. I'll keep the Vyvanse I guess.

I just feel like going for a run tonight. It's midnight. It would be fun - But there's something up with my heart/cardiovascular system.

I abused the crap out of stims in the past (More than anyone in the world). I'm screwed. And I try to avoid it. But too much prescribed stim even short term is probably bad. I just have to accept this.

Maybe exercising will strengthen my heart + I don't care about stimulants anymore either. I'm still an overwhelmed mess with very poor executive functioning.

I'll probably be tired - But then I'll just lower the Invega again - See if that helps.

Thanks for the insight SP ^^

Although I'm doing the best I've ever been in general (This past month). So maybe not.

**** it I'm going for a small run

Edit: Ah yes.. adrenaline. Lovely. Full moon is out too + stars. It's good...