Roll Call 194

Feeling less anxious now that I have been home for a few hours.

SK I’m saying this because I care and because your pdoc cares too. If you just need him/her to phone in a script it’s not a big deal. If you get worse because you don’t have the medicine you need thats a much bigger deal. Sometimes being strong is speaking up for what you need. Hugs.

I wish I could be spontaneous

Happy in the AM's..

We will all die one day. But today we live..

Christ I have work in the morning

2 mg was what he wanted me on. It seems rather low.

It’s pretty low, maybe you’re just on a starting dose. What have you been on in the past 4?

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Yeah I was on 4. I think I'll still give the risperidone a shot. I do see my pdoc the week after next luckily. I will tell him when I meet with him that I think I may need a higher dose of the risperidone. Because it would be nice if I could get off the olanzapine.

Went to CVS and picked up my meds

My friend’s birthday is on Thursday. We’re gonna hang out and play some card games (Digimon) and maybe some videogames. I got him a gift too so I’ll bring that with me.

After the holiday I’m gonna set up something with my care manager to meet so she can help me start the process to getting enrolled back in college.

Aside from that I don’t have much going on during the month of July. A few appointments, volunteering, spending time with my friend, exercising, getting things ready for college, daily life things like cleaning and spending time with my kitties. that’s really about it. My new sketchbook comes today so I’m gonna get started with getting back Into art and try to do that pretty regularly. Then in August I have my last two dentist appointments, and hopefully on August 29th I’ll be starting the fall semester at my college. I will just take 1 online class for now because I don’t want to overwhelm myself like I did last time with 5 or 6 classes at once. And I will also be volunteering and trying to get a part-time job so that’s gonna take up some of my time and energy as well. If I do well with the one class then I’ll take 2 classes the following semester. Just take things slowly.

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Good luck with college @Blue Bird!

Thank you!

I was 5 minutes late for work because I went to bed at 2pm (They say I can come in an hour late and it's fine - But I like to be on time..).

Before I went to sleep, I felt very manic.. I could rhyme sentences so easily - I thought.. Could I be a rapper? No.. Because as rarely often as these times happen, they don't last long... And it would take work - Like everything I want to try.. A full zopiclone put me to sleep.

Idk why - But I feel great the longer I stay awake. I did a 24 hour fast and felt almost comatose until I ate my moms salad. I might do another one cuz I'm not hungry (But I'm drinking a coca cola). I lost 10lbs somehow (The weight that I gained on olanzepine) - I think it's from the extra Dexedrine.

I was quite anxious at work.. Just pushing through, really busy. I thought.. I can't stand up for myself when they want me to work an extra day during the summer (And my mom says not to..).. It's really dysphoric of a feeling..

I'm afraid of everyone there because I have to plan what to say. When people talk to me, I freeze and my mind goes blank, and then I continue the conversation in my head spontaneously. I just want to leave early all of the time and it's extremely uncomfortable.

The uncomfortable feeling/Not being able to have the WILL to speak, be myself, I came home and drank some rum because of that (To relax), muscles less tense..

I felt sad last night - No one to talk to.. and then eventually it faded. I don't stay in those states for long.. I'm not depressed it's just negative symptoms of schiz/autism.

So I'll just have a relaxing day today.. I see my psychiatrist in 2 weeks. I'll try to be honest about the negative parts to balance out my optimism about treatment.. Not sure what to say but I'll write it down. I'm kind of scared about changes being made.

I get the Invega Trinza injection in 3 days. I wish I could just stop it and see what happens - But I can't do that. People like us, many of them are homeless addicts or in the hospital for life from being resistant to meds. So I should be grateful that psychosis hasn't progressed badly.

Hugs to all

Crisis of identity and life. Agitated. My whole world is turbulent.

I deleted my facebook account....

I did the same a few months ago.

Yeah it is just not useful for me anymore...

I hate and love Facebook at the same time. I follow a lot of cat pages and groups and I love those because they always fill up most of my timeline with cat pictures and memes which always makes me happy.

But then there’s the news always showing up in my timeline and that is the last thing I want to see, as in I don’t want to see anything related to the world at all on Facebook, I just want to see posts about cats and my friends and my sister, but it still gets in and kind of is anxiety inducing.

Sometimes I feel like scrolling through Facebook is a literal way to inject yourself with anxiety

I try to take a break from it and cut back on my use of social media and the internet in general because a lot of the time it’s just overwhelming and information overload

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My sketchbook came today. Going to start drawing some stuff. Probably stuff like buildings/architecture, Pokémon fan art, and food

Speaking of Facebook and social media, I always felt a lot better and more centered whenever I went camping outside or just hiking, connecting to the world and people without looking at a screen for a few days or so. Always made me feel a lot better mentally.

Get some inspiration on Pinterest

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Yeah that's cool. I wish I could disentangle myself from the world of screens for a bit but I feel like I'm addicted to screens. Lol

I think I'm starting to lack empathy

Are you experiencing compassion fatigue?

10 Things to Remember When You Feel Lost and Alone

This has happened to me several times and it always comes back…

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I do need to get off the screen. I'm on the screen the WHOLE day lol.. I haven't been hiking or anything in a few weeks.

I'll try and sleep.. crash..

Me too. I am on screens the entire day. I don't beat myself up about it, but I just will try to use screens a little less.

Oh and recently I read something that the "off" button is a good thing. Lol. Seems incredibly obvious but I forget to use it.

I really need time to reflect.. Good things will happen though. I'm excited.