Roll Call 194

Thank you that means a lot to me , especially since I'm a little frustrated with myself for gaining 25lbs of it back after getting on Abilify and my other meds I'm working on it It required a lot of eating/lifestyle changes too but I slipped back into some old habits which caused a bit of it to come back. But I'm working on it. I was 235 lbs on invega sustenna, when I got off it I dropped down to 135 lbs and stayed there for a long time till the past year or so, now I've been staying at 166 lbs. I'm hoping to lose some weight. I wish you luck with everything

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Oh yeah another thing that helped the weight come off was I quit drinking soda. I was drinking 3 or more cans a day everyday and I stopped and switched to water only or black unsweetened coffee without creamer.

So I only have it if I order takeout which is rarely and if I go out to eat which is just as rare for me, so I only have it now a handful of times throughout a whole year. I don't keep it in my house. Or juice, any sweet drinks like that stay out of my house.

As you can see I will occasionally have a cup of hot chocolate or bubble tea, or a dalgona coffee, but 98% of the time it's plain water or black unsweetened coffee

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Facebook is weird time vortex or something. Hours can go by while you're scrolling and it feels like seconds

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I had a bunch of clothes around in my room for a while that I’ve been procrastinating putting away. I always put it off and just take from the pile when I get dressed.

Anyway my mom encouraged me to put them away today finally. I tried. I broke down crying because I felt so overwhelmed. I couldn’t do it. She had to come help me. We got it done but I just hate when people have to help me with simple tasks sometimes.

Yesterday I worked 10.5 hours at work very productive and happy and today I can’t even put my ****ing clothes away it was too much.

Sigh.

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My dad is coming to visit again. Very happy about this. I'm grateful that my parents are still alive. Both have survived cancer. I knew that both of them would get cancer (I just knew back then, somehow - "What if they BOTH get it?") - Doesn't help with feeding magical thinking.

They will die soon. And idk what's gonna happen. I might be taken care of - But no one will ever replace the good that they've done for me/to support me. I'll basically have no one.

I'd like to talk real with them - And I've been doing that.. I just don't remember much of our conversations. I hope that they are somewhere deep in my mind.

When I was walking home from school as a kid, friends would say that I'd kick the same rock the whole way home, stuff like that. I imagined that there was a bunch of people inside of my head, with a steering wheel - Looking through my eyes. And there was a vault in the back of my mind where I'd instruct them to put ideas into - But I forgot the key/password.

Some of that is interest levels….I have zero interest in cleaning….so I don’t but I do fine at work and school.

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Don’t laugh too hard, this is my very poor fast rough sketch of an anime cat. I am so out of practice it’s kind of frustrating. But I at least wanted to make myself sketch something since I’ve been struggling to motivate myself

Beautiful bluebird!

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On the treadmill

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Did 22 minutes. Some little kids came in and wanted to get on the treadmill so I got off. Might do some more later today when they are off it. We’ll see.

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Having a really bad panic attack

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Today is national ice cream day. My sister dropped off the chocolate peanut butter ice cream for me (half gallon)

Have the money to pay off what I owe the college bookstore, took it out of my savings account, so I'm going to pay it off sometime during the week depending on when the bookstore is open. I was hoping to pay it off tomorrow but their hours on the website say they are only open on Fridays this part of the summer, so I might have to wait till Friday

Hugs bluebird….

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I think I'm gonna see my old T. Seemingly she knew what she was doing better than my current one. I don't think my current one knows much about meds. And meds are like 99.99% of the game for me (I think). Anyway, I don't think my psychiatrist knows that much about psychosis either. But that's fine. Whatever. At least I am on the right combination of meds seemingly. I am back up to 15 mg olanzapine. That helps a lot. I think my psychiatrist is concerned about my weight. So I am trying to run like 5 times a week. And I'm gonna start going to this place that is like diet food prepared meals. I guess it's supposed to be good and the food is fairly cheap. It's been really hard for me lately with a T that doesn't really understand what I'm going through. Also I have a test tomorrow to prove my language skills for a translator position at a place. It's a full-time job. I need encouragement, haha.

In my experience, Abilify doesn't help that much with my actual psychosis. Works more as an AD for me. But obviously different people have different meds work in different ways (I guess.)...

My wifi is out so I'm using mobile hotspot. That's how much I needed to get on this site. Hah.

Abilfy works great for psychosis for me….like you said different ways

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It usually works good for my for psychosis, and my bipolar mood states, mania and depressive episodes. I haven't been fully manic in a long time and that's probably something to be thankful for because I always did stupid stuff whenever I was manic. I kind of miss the mania though, mainly the ideas, planning, energy, excitement. Just not the impulsive recklessness.

I think I just haven't been managing my anxiety well lately. I need to cut caffeine out completely. I hate to do that but I can't tolerate it. My anxiety is bad without it I certainly don't need 3-6 ups of coffee a day on top of it. Increase exercise, exercise more frequently, use meditation since it used to help me a lot. Get reconnected with my faith, which helped ground me and gave me a lot of happiness and comfort when I was more connected and into it. I don't care whether it's real or not. I believe God, I'm Catholic but am kind of lax in how I practice it because there are several things in it I don't agree with but many of the central faith things I do. I believe there's nothing wrong with gay marriage, etc things like that don't bother me. There are other things I disagree with but I love the faith itself and the history. Another thing is I don't think there's anything wrong if anybody believes in anything else.. I just kind of feel like if you're a good person and do what's right then that's fine, believe whatever brings you peace, happiness, etc. So maybe that's why I kind of fell off going to church and stuff because I feel like sort of a fraud.

Maybelle snuggled up to me tonight, she laid down next to me and rested her head on my arm while I had my arm around her

Good to see you back

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So I cancelled my volunteer thing the other day because I felt like I was getting a cold. My throat was really sore, runny nose. And I wanted to give them enough notice in case I got worse, they obviously don't want sick people being around food etc and I'm frustrated because today I feel fine. So I'm going to sign up the volunteer for the week after this week because I have things I need to do this week. I'm going to see if they have a lunch shift thing available anytime soon. I'm just gonna try to do that 3 times over the next month. I really didn't want to cancel but I also didn't want to suddenly cancel on them at the last minute if I got more sick and cause them to be short a volunteer

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My friend in the building needs to go to CVS, I need to go there as well, so we're gonna walk there downtown together this morning. Will be nice to socialize for awhile

I am still using mobile hotspot. Wow. I wish my wifi were fixed by now. Of course, I just use mobile hotspot in short bursts and I'm not streaming a bunch of videos or anything like that. But I wish my wifi were back...

Some things like wifi are integral to my functioning properly. Ha.

@Blue Bird the homophobia is the reason I can't go to Catholic Church anymore. Plus I have seen a lot of hypocrisy from Catholics where I live and I can't handle it anymore.