Roll Call 195

It is possible to reduce insulin sensitivity with a high fat, moderate protein and low carb diet.. ketosis.. But it's difficult, especially with eating disorder history.

Crystally stim can help short term but causes psychosis.

Well, I'm unhappy about my weight too. I asked my friend to get me these keto gummies I saw and they swear they'll produce significant weight loss in two weeks. But I completely forgot that they weigh us every month, and if I lose like 20 pounds in 2 weeks, I'll have to explain. The alternative is to approach the SW, gummies in hand, and beg her to let me use them as directed. I don't know how they'll mix with my meds, so this is probably what I'll do. The staff here will probably not let me even try them.

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I'm using my weighted blanket for the first time in 2 years. I also took a benzo. Not fun lol..

Here is bad, the afterlife is bad. There's no escape.

What makes you think the afterlife is bad?

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That I'll be prey.

But olanzepine helped greatly. So it's okay - I'll fake it until I make it.. And just pretend like I know what I'm doing in this reality (At least a little). Anxiety is not my favourite thing.

My kitties are the best. They give me a sense of purpose. Taking care of them and keeping them happy

Gotta get Mustachio some more exercise though. She’s getting a little chunky. Want to keep her healthy. It’s difficult because Maybelle needs to gain weight and Mustachio is starting to get on the heavier side.

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Can you hand feed maybelle something special like chicken?

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Yeah maybe I could try that

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Drinking some coffee while listening to music and coloring. Trying to decide what to draw later

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Have some homemade pumpkin bread baking in the oven

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Yummy!

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I don’t understand it, really. With my real life friends. Two apologized to me about ghosting me, one just started talking to me without apologizing. I’m talking to them but keeping them at arms length and not trusting them.

But the one who started this all has not talked to me at all. She left all the group chats we have, refuses to talk to me, but still she has not removed me from Snapchat Facebook or Instagram. I mean if you don’t like me and don’t want to talk to me - defriend me.

I’m not going to start talking to her, but I’m not going to defriend her either. Let her do it.

It’s just still all so dumb.

Edit: to provide more context I think this woman blames me for her move across country not working out. I warned her BC was expensive and she ended up complaining it was expensive and moved back here. She also was working on a snack store and I had asked some questions about research she had done about what snacks are available locally and I feel her store isn’t doing well and she’s blaming me too.

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Hey friends,

I had my kitty Amelia at the vet on Saturday. Her appointment was for 10 AM but we caught her (she is mostly an outdoor cat....we have a doggy door and she can come in anytime but she prefers to be outside...we have lots of nooks and crannies where we have put crates with the doors off and filled with blankets on the inside and rugs and blankets over the tops so she can be shielded from the weather....) and we took her in at 8 AM. They said they didn't mind. I was worried about

because I could tell she had lost weight. Apparently she had lost 1.5 lbs but the vet said she is very healthy. She was probably just hot this Summer and did not feel like eating. Because I would check her food bowl in the mornings and evenings and she had nibbled but hadn't really eaten. It is getting a little cooler now (still hot as I am in Southern California) but she is eating better so she should gain the weight back. She is healthy at either weight.

I'm so glad she is okay.

I was supposed to have therapy on Saturday but I knew my therapist had taken the week off of work. I was kind of suicidal on Friday but I felt okay on Saturday. I texted her to see if she wanted to do a session or if she would prefer to keep her vacation going. She said she would prefer to keep her vacation going. I'm so glad I am not at a place where I took that personally or like, she didn't want to see me or something. She did say she could see me if I needed a session but I can just talk to her on Tuesday, it's fine. I'm glad she trusted me to tell me the truth.

Went to the Rams/Falcons game yesterday with my Dad. It was amazing.

My medicine finally seems to be leveled out. I am feeling stable. The psychosis seems to be minimal. That was a long not so great summer.

I'm spoiled. My parents bought me coffee and brought it to me at work today, and they brought me lunch. Also my Dad fixed my brake light on my car. The lightbulb was burned out. But still nice that he took care of it.

My hair is finally long enough to put in a pony tail. yeah.

Sorry about the loss of your dog SK, and I'm glad you're doing better and that Amelia is okay

Sorry that happened, I hate when people ghost people for no reason, even if there is a reason just say what the problem is or unfriend someone, don't just ghost them like that, it's really unfair and upsetting.

Part of me hates abilify because it makes me so ****ing hungry and I'm terrified of gaining the rest of the weight I lost back.

trigger for mention of weight numbers



I know part of it is my fault, I don't eat the healthiest all the time. But I literally cannot handle cutting back calories too much because I get shaky etc I HAVE to eat. I can't live on salads and a very restricted diet anymore

Part of me is debating getting off abilify but I don't know what else I could get on and I also don't want to go through a med change especially since my doctor of 6 years is leaving

Abilify I gained maybe 25-30 pounds then it just stopped

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I’ll admit last night this morning I didn’t take my meds because I had it in my head I would lose weight faster.

It’s a dumb idea honestly. I took my meds tonight.

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Heya folks, I'm all settled in here, my friend helped me move, that was really nice of him. =) Commute is a bit longer but eh, it will be okay. I've never had a bedroom this big in my life. Friend says I should paint it, eh, we'll see. I have 3 large windows too. But my writing desk facing them. And I said **** it and bought a mini fridge for next to my desk. Got a pretty good deal on craigslist for it.

I was watching Good WIll Hunting today, i think that was made in the later 90's, the woman I'm watching it with says this film kinda paved the way for mental health, breaking the cycle. Robin Williams was such a great soul.

I really need to take a break from writing and just focus on my reading now. I have two books for my reading group. I should just focus on that. Also, I entered my story into a contest that if I win, would publish me, and also give me a serious advance. God that would be great. Honestly, if I win that, I know exactly what I'm going to do, a huge life change. I know, it's just wishful thinking, but we'll see. I'm optimistic =)