Roll Call 197

Sorry about your friends cogladaid. That hurts. It's hard being ignored and unseen by people we care about. HUG

I texted T because I am having some SH urges but also because I think Joan of Arc wants to talk to me. But I am open to the idea that it is a delusion. But it's hard because it is so compelling! T answered and said it is probably a delusion. So I gotta rest in that. Although I am curious to know what Joan of Arc wants to tell me! She hasn't actually spoke yet. Just something in me knows that she wants to talk to me. Maybe has to do with my upcoming trip to Peru. Not sure.

I'm a bit worried that Joan of Arc won't actually talk to me now and I will miss the opportunity to hear what she has to say. But the feeling that she is going to talk to me has lessened some. I texted a couple of friends and my T.

I read an article about that. How even through our schizophrenic ramblings and musings that there can be really important stuff in what is said. I never thought about it that way. But now this seems important. But because I talked to others, she might not talk to me. That will make me sad I think.

Hi Kit, who is Joan of Arc? Your therapist?

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This is definitely a delusion. It's not real. You should call your doctor. You may need a med adjustment. Hugs

I mean I know I have some delusions.. Idk if it's OCD, but they consume my mind (When I'm not on olanzepine). And I talk about "reality" a lot.. I'm not sure what to say to people with delusions anymore....

I've heard about this ... Joan of Arc is a saint (I think).

I miss being in the prairies and isolation.

I still have no friends IRL so what's the point of being in a tourist destination.

I have no where to go.

I'm bothered by hypnic heart palpitation jerks and gaining weight from olanzepine. I'm so tired.

What happened was so ****ed up. I can't believe it. I want the memories erased.

I'm going to die soon...

Yes I know. Kit is using her to designate someone in her life.

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Des, what are you talking about here?

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I haven't been to sleep yet. I shouldn't stay up this late. My friend told me he will have to give up my old apartment that he's been living in and instead live full time in NYC. I hate this idea. I don't want him to live in NYC. It's dangerous and expensive.

If I went back to the apartment, I wonder if I'd have vape breaks like here or just have a puff here and there randomly. The luxury of my own bathroom haunts me. No stupid morons crapping on the toilet seat, and leaving large turds on the floor. It would be so good I could cry with tears of joy.

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Of course, we've been on lockdown again the past two weeks so there's been no smoking. Tomorrow marks two weeks. Oops, I mean today. There might be a smoking break today.

It's because there was a COVID "outbreak" two weeks ago.

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I want a new battery put into my phone but I don't want to do another factory data reset. The battery in this phone was used a lot by whoever bought this phone before it was resold to me. It didn't come to me pristine and strong. I'm daf about everything. I want to go home with a new tv and all the snacks I've been craving.

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But I'm forgetting the stupid fcking stairs. I don't know if I can use them again or if I need someone to help me. I may as well listen to a podcast or watch TV (Pluto tv). It's 6:00am.

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Called the dentist today about my tooth that’s broken and the gums are a little swollen and sore around the rest of the tooth. They said they have nothing else available today but to come there tomorrow early for an urgent care appointment. So I will have to head out at 6:30am tomorrow to get there.

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No She is a saint who died in the 1400s.

Today the Joan of Arc wanting to talk to me thing sounds more like delusion than reality to me. But maybe because I kept talking about it to different people and everyone kept telling me it was a delusion. I am kind of bummed though. Maybe she had something extraordinary to tell me. Now I will never know.

It was a delusion. People who died in the 1400s don’t talk to people without it being a delusion.

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Yeah, I am seeing that. Still, I can't help but to feel disappointed. I mean who wouldn't want to hear from a Saint? Maybe she had something really important to tell me.

Yes, I know. So you're not using that as a nickname for someone irl?

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I guess not. Sorry, things sort of get sprung on us in roll call that's already understood in Snapchat.

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Yeah, sorry I'm not on snap chat with you all.

I'm always a bit fascinated with Joan of Arc--the saint--even when I am not in psychosis. I've been hyper focused on my religion due to my upcoming trip to Peru so I think maybe some wires got crossed in my head. Sorry for the misunderstanding! HUGS

Sorry I was so tired last night, sitting - waiting for heart palps to take me out. They didn't happen last night. I had terrible, boring dreams. Woke up and realized that I DO need to live and die for something, or have a reason to get out of bed.... And this is all a terrible hallucination (Unless I'm on Vyvanse - And can just ignore, and go go go).

Is it stupid to hate yourself because of your teeth. Like I had such a struggle for the majority of my life with dental hygiene. Half the time I was too depressed or didn’t care enough or motivated enough to take care of them. Now at 28 years old it’s starting to catch up with me. This will probably be the 2nd tooth that I have to get removed. I have so many fillings. And I have 2 crowns. I just feel so disappointed with myself and self conscious especially since I’m only 28 and have all these tooth problems. Like I’m scared I’ll have none by time I’m 40. I am brushing thoroughly 3 times a day now and flossing twice a day and using enamel repair mouthwash 2 times a day, I’ve been doing this everyday but hate how my teeth look and feel like they could be so much better if I went back in time and fixed whatever was wrong with me so I would actually brush my teeth and go to dental appointments etc. it didn’t help that my mom never took me to dental appointments after I was 6 until I was like 12. She never prioritized dental hygiene with me when I was little and she didn’t really take care of her own teeth because half the time she was too depressed to do so.

Of course my binge/purging for 10 years didn’t help things

I know it’s my responsibility now but I can’t help but feel a lot of self hatred and regret recently regardless.

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