Roll Call 198

My friend canceled our plans for today this morning because they weren’t feeling good.

So I spent the day doing various things at home. I got on the treadmill for 10 minutes. I know 10 minutes may seem stupid/small but I want to work my way back up to 30 minutes. Fell out of the habit for a few weeks.

Been watching Supernatural , just started season 4. Read a book for awhile. Meditated for 20 minutes.

Spent like an hour finishing painting my figure tonight. I wasn’t planning on painting but was feeling really anxious and didn’t know what to do so I did that and it helped and I listened to music while I did it. Will post a pic in a minute.

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Here it is

Desoxyn are you okay? I saw your post but got busy doing something then came back to reply and they were gone. Hope you're okay

I'm dissociating, my face doesn't feel real

Think I might need to take klonopin. I feel like my meds are poisoning me though

Went out for dinner, had a couple drinks. Fancy smoked chicken nachos, and brisket tacos. My mom didn’t finish her vegan power bowl so I’ll eat leftovers for lunch tomorrow.

I’m going to cut my hair soon. It’s down to my tailbone but I want a bob. I’ve been thinking about it for a while. Worst thing to happen would be I hate it and have to wait for it to grow out.

I’m feeling I might tell my mom soon that I relapsed in anorexia. I’m just nervous about it. It took me forever to tell her before that I had psychosis. I’m just not good with serious conversations like that.

Anyway, drinking a margarita now and watching TV.

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I'm not really okay - But I took "vitamins", and they help a bit. I feel like when I was in the basement. But thx for asking. I hope you'll be okay too.

I’m sorry you’re struggling I hope you feel better soon

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I am completely unsure what I feel. I massively overdid the caffeine today and I’m a combo of tired, panicky, dissociating and feeling like my blood sugar is too low

I need to call my doctor on Monday and ask for bloodwork to be done , not for the dissociating or panic but for the low blood sugar

I’m concerned I have diabetes or prediabetes. Between my meds, my eating habits, my family history of it it and my symptoms it wouldn’t be a surprise. But I need to take action on Monday and get this figured out.

All I have to do is call and have him give me the forms then go to the bloodwork place and just get it done. I can’t keep putting this off

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This helped. I had it saved.

I’m honestly kind of scared of it being confirmed, That’s why I keep putting it off. Like I don’t know what that will entail if I do have it. Will I have to give myself insulin shots etc it seems like a nightmare to deal with trying to manage blood sugar levels.

Maybe I don’t even have it. Maybe my body just reacts violently to low blood sugar for no reason. I don’t know.

I’ll call him Monday. Worse that happens is I have it and have to learn how to manage it. Better than putting it off indefinitely and things getting worse over time.

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Oh cool, I found the labwork request paperwork my doctor gave me at our visiit in December, he said it could be done anytime between now and our next visit in a year, and it has Hemoglobin A1c as one of the tests which is good, because that should give him an idea of my blood sugar, so I will just take the paperwork to the lab on Monday and get it done

Generally type ii diabetes is controlled by diet rather than insulin shots, you do have to prick your finger to test blood sugar unless you have a monitor though. If you’re taking metformin though it can alter blood sugar levels i believe so that might be all that’s happening.

Thanks, I stopped the metformin a week ago so I’ll see what happens

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Phew. I added up all the gluten free receipts for taxes. It’s kind of shocking to see how much you pay more for gluten free products.

Like example I found 1kg of regular flour for $2.27. Last year we got gluten free flour of the same size for $24.99.

But it’s done. Taxes are all ready. Taking them into the accountant tomorrow.

Planning on getting my hair cut on Tuesday. Work in the office on Thursday. And see my doctor on Friday. That’s my week, basically.

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Very good mood =] Suffered through work in the morning.

Tomorrow, I drive to the city.. Then next day, airport, on the plane to see my sister for a week =]

I can't bring my 100 different chemicals on the plane.. So will have to do with just meds.

I'll practice mindfulness and spirituality mostly (I'll talk about things with my sister) - She'll give me insight. My brother might visit too - So we'll hang out and do things.

My first day at the volunteer job is Tuesday morning. 10am to 12pm. So it’s every Tuesday at that time. The first two Tuesday’s they’re gonna help me and show me what I need to do and then starting on the third week Tuesday April 4th I’ll be doing everything there on my own from then on.

I’m nervous and excited

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It's a dramatic change today from yesterday.. Yesterday? - If the pandemic didn't happen etc, I bet my mom would have sent me to the hospital.

But things have changed now. Craziness tolerance on this space rock is higher now.

I made a TODO list, on it - Is to meditate at 230pm (For 10 minutes). I'm gonna try and practice meditation for 10 minutes every day... Cuz it's supposed to be a practice..

In the Spring? Lots of hiking (Usually every 1-2 days, when it's warm, I hike with my mom up a small hill/mountain) - But also, I'm gonna get my bike ready for just exploring the trails here.. And the 3rd exercise thing is to try and run for ~15 minutes every day.. It just hasn't been warm enough to do that.

Also, hypnic-jerks/night heart palpitations are 100% gone (After adding 2x more 10mg Dexedrine spansules) - So all is good.

+ I'm much more comfortable with infinity.. No DPDR anymore.. I'm on 5mg of olanzepine now (Instead of 10mg), and there has been no noticeable difference in anything, from the change.. ^-

Severe mental pain is starting to creep in. Sorry guys. I wish I could solve this.

Edit: I'll just ignore it, and continue living.. I never tried that before. I bet exercise would help.

I feel like I'm just a hallucination. That's just what it seems like. I know I am.. And should just distract myself. But the isolation I went through.. It's like that thing. I'm just calculating, feeling, thought thought thought...

I feel better.. I was listening to meditative music (Without lyrics), wrote some of my thoughts down...

It's like I've been using music (With lyrics) like a hard drug. I'm more grounded now..

I want to cry

I know you’re real. But if you were a hallucination (which I don’t think you are) you’re pretty cool and you deserve to hang around and be happy.

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Got up at 6am. Did a lot of cleaning, also did laundry. Ready for tomorrow. The bus comes at 9am tomorrow, should be dropping me off at the stop at 9:14am. The stop is right in front of the place I’m volunteering at. I don’t start till 10am but I wanted to get there early the first day especially since I’ve never been there before. I always have to get places early if I’ve never been there before. Just to make sure I’m not late and that I have an idea of my surroundings and where I’m at.

I’m a weird mixture of extremely nervous and super excited at the same time.

I just want today to be done with already so it can be tomorrow and I can start

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Have an appointment with my therapist on Thursday. Will be nice to tell her about the volunteering at that place. She’s the one who initially mentioned it in our last session so I applied immediately after because it would be a good fit for me.

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Was super depressed this weekend. On Saturday I had a couple of Zoom meetings in the morning then picked up my prescriptions, went to the bank, and went to a fast food drive through. I spent the rest of the day at home, mostly in bed. Yesterday I didn't feel good. It was either a sinus headache or a migraine. Not sure which. I took sinus medicine. Then like 2 hours later migraine medicine. Then like two hours later aspirin. Finally felt better. I stayed home from Church yesterday. Actually I didn't leave my home at all but I did manage a shower. Yeah me! Had to come to work today. Blah.

My T hasn't texted me a reminder yet for my appointment tomorrow. I hope she does. I like those little reminders.