Roll Call 198

Yes I definitely plan on going again, probably the next time I go I will go by myself so I can work on getting out on my own more, to get over my anxiety. I will probably go again later this month. They have outdoor seating too. It's too cold for that now but it's nice for when the warmer months come

I should actually challenge myself to go somewhere new every month. Whether it's a restaurant, cafe, store etc anywhere I haven't been to before

Sent from my M8L using Tapatalk

You should challenge yourself! Honestly I haven’t had a social interaction lately that I have regretted.

Take chances! They’re worth it.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Going grocery shopping in a little while

After that I need to go to the pharmacy to pick up my meds. Then do some cleaning and cook the linguine with white clam sauce.

My mood is good. I started feeling dissociated last night but I managed to ground myself , it just took awhile because it felt like my brain just kept floating away and I couldn’t bring myself down. But I slept and woke up feeling good. Sleep always is super helpful when I’m dissociated, I almost always wake up feeling better/grounded.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

We got over a foot of snow last night, it’s still snowing. It looks so pretty outside

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I was going to get a couple doggy DNA tests to find out exactly what breed my dogs are (we figure one is pure chihuahua and the other is Jack Russell terrier and pug but don’t know for sure). Anyway this show in Canada called Marketplace (that goes through companies and services and exposes if they’re legit or scams) had an episode last night about doggy DNA tests and how they are not accurate at all. So good timing. I’m not going to bother anymore.

Did some shopping this morning. Dog treats, some stuff from costco. Also Starbucks.

Making crab cakes for lunch (I was going to make them for dinner on Thursday but was tired and busy). Then breaded chicken thigh with mashed potatoes and gravy.

Not much else planned for the weekend. Going to make bacon wrapped glazed pork tenderloin tomorrow for dinner with roasted potatoes and broccoli.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

The food sounds good! And Starbucks, love their drinks too.

I got the stuff to make the linguine and white clam sauce recipe today. I’m making it tomorrow. Have ciabatta bread to go with it. Was gonna do it today but don’t feel like cooking today. I found a beef and broccoli air fryer recipe so next time I go grocery shopping I’m getting stuff for that.

I got everything on my list though for todays grocery trip

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

It's a bright sunny day. They brought lunch like 20 minutes early. My phone is getting a late payment and since last night the battery has been lasting so well with the radios turned off. It takes at least half the battery just to stay connected.

My friend's procedure went well and I'm so glad and relieved. Last night everyone on staff here was yelling at my one roommate. And threatening her with sending her to the hospital to be assessed and sent elsewhere. I wish they'd stop upsetting her. After each incident she has renewed trouble walking and rolling in the wheelchair. I wish I could go to sleep for the rest of my life.

Sent from my Nokia XR20 using Tapatalk

I am trying to put this anorexia relapse behind me. But it’s so hard.

I was feeling more confident and good when I saw my doctor. But I’m still disordered.

I made crab cakes for lunch. I ate two with sriracha mayo. Then I ate a bit of veggies with tzatziki. And a sugar free Jello cup.

I still feel ravenous. But I don’t want to eat. I’ll eat dinner but I don’t really want to.

I have these grand ideas for meals and then I feel bad. I buy snacks and I struggle to eat them. I get scared to eat them. I hoard them.

I’m trying but it’s hard. It feels like so much.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Like I went to Costco and bought this Buffalo ranch dip and a bag of Ruffles chips to dip in them. Now idk if I can make myself eat it.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I went to the grocery store today to pick up a few things. I made a list and everything. I stuck to the list. Had to go to three stores to get everything because I was looking for honey dill (it’s a dipping sauce here for chicken fingers).

Anyway, it’s funny I’m going around cooking and meal planning and grocery shopping. I had to laugh. Get the anorexic to do all that.

I was at the store and I felt overwhelmed looking at ice cream and chips and stuff. I had this irrational thought passing by the bread section that I’ll breathe in gluten and contaminate myself.

I managed to brush it off but I found myself focused a lot still on low calorie options. Like 4 cal kombucha instead of 70 cal.

But good is I went to Starbucks and ordered something different. Something with more calories than I usually get. I got a matcha tea latte with almond milk. It was good. And then I went home and ate a bunch of chicken fingers.

I’m so full and I’m trying to feel okay with it. But hey I managed to do a little bit today.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Had a migraine but it’s gone now thanks to ibuprofen and caffeine.

I started painting another miniature , I just did the base coat today because I wasn’t feeling motivated to do the whole thing right now (which can take 3-4 hours to do or longer ) so I just did that because I at least wanted to start a bit of it.
It’s just a coat of grey paint because grey doesn’t make colors appear darker when they’re on top of it like black would, and doesn’t make colors appear lighter like a white coat would so grey is a good base coat.

I’m stressed about Tuesdays inspection. It will be fine. It always is. I just always think catastrophically.

I’m playing some Xbox multiplayer games with a friend tonight that lives in another state. We both have headsets with microphones so we’ll be able to hear each other talking while we play videogames together. Will be fun. I’m a little nervous because we’ve never talked in real time before, just over the forum and Facebook messenger but it will be cool. I get social anxiety when talking to people for the first time even if it’s over video or over like wireless communication /phone etc.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Oh yeah making my moms linguine and white clam sauce recipe tonight

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Matcha lattes are really good. I think you’re doing a great job, keep up the good work. A lot of people don’t realize how hard it can be just to order a drink with more calories than normal but it’s a big accomplishment in starting to overcome EDs. Progress isn’t linear, it’s okay to do well in one moment and then go backwards a bit, back and forth over and over. It happens. Just keep trying. I struggled with my ED for so many years , my progress was not linear at all. I had times I’d regress for weeks , months, or just days, then go back and do well. Etc. but over time eventually with the help of therapy and other things it’s gotten to where it’s mostly stable. There were times I didn’t want help with it.

One thing is eating disorders end up consuming every thought and part of your life to where it’s the only thing one thinks about. Sometimes I felt like it was the only thing I could control in my life.

Anyway my point is keep working on it and hopefully that therapist you are possibly gonna see helps as well it’s worth it, I hope that made sense

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I was feeling super confused yesterday (From lack of sleep). I took the 10mg of olanzepine early + a 3mg Invega pill, felt tired and slept for like 16 hours.

I woke up feeling super great! - But it didn't last once I got scared of coworkers, my thoughts became negative.

Anyway, that is over and done with for the week.. This week, I'll get the Invega Trinza injection..

Then soon, I'll fly to see my sister and spend a week there.. I have everything man... I can be in a flow state and do anything.. It's just so difficult. I still feel scared (Not paranoid or anxious, just generally scared).

Can't stop infinite nihilism

I'm doing good now, nvm..

I'm on top of things... The Invega pill helped.

I keep having negative thoughts lately about how I hate myself and feel I'm not cut out for this world. Just strong thoughts that come several times a day. I try to ignore them but they come back stronger

I have a meeting on Wednesday with a career readiness instructor to see if I want to take one of their upcoming career readiness workshops. I do. I just don't know how to handle any kind of stress. I dissociate whenever I'm stressed.

Have you tried writing out your positive traits so you can read it when you feel this way?

Yeah but I don't believe any of them, like I feel like none of the positive traits I can think of for myself are actually true

I take care of my cats, that's all I can think of

I'm a nice person but really I'm just too kind to stand up for myself or ask for help when I need it or too scared to say no to people asking me things

Basically I feel like my life is meaningless. I guess I'll feel like it has more of a purpose when I'm back in college at the end of August.

I feel like a waste of a person/life.

Purpose is very important to life….but you already have some purpose ie caring for others including your friends and cats. You also create art and music which is something in its own right.

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

Thank you, yes you’re right, I need to think more positively about the things I am doing that bring me purpose

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Yeah I was watching something about how people ask about jobs, marital status, kids etc. I was thinking of how much better it would be if we skied people their purpose. I feel like knowing for example you’re here to help people might be more important than jobs or whatever.

I think life doesn’t have to have a purpose. Just enjoying things and doing things is enough. Not everything has to mean something. It just is what it is so just do your own thing and enjoy whatever you do.

Idk that’s just my thinking.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

So it’s part of the ancient Hindu wisdom they call it dharma or something…I find having a purpose helps me but if you get enough from enjoyment that’s cool too. To some extent there are two types of happiness though. If your just hedonistic something like drugs or alcohol might appeal because it brings happiness just not long term. In contrast eudaimonia is a more even happiness and it’s hard to get there without purpose. Just my thoughts.

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk