Roll Call 198

I'm feeling much better..

But Roll Call is now dead.. And I am the last one, alone...

Don’t really have much planned for this week. Just work. Idk.

Next week I go for a blood test. And have a massage on Saturday.

Then the week after I have two doctor appointments. One on Tuesday with my regular doctor, and one on Wednesday with another doctor (he’s been my go to about sarcoidosis so it’s a follow up on that).

That’s pretty much my entire month actually.

Well, this Friday is Good Friday so we’ll have meatless (I’m going to make seafood pasta). And lamb on Sunday. Sometime in there watch the Ten Commandments. It’s a movie about Passover, not Easter. But it’s tradition.

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Hey Desoxyn , I’m glad you’re feeling better

I’m still here just had a crazy busy few days and also been sleeping a lot recently , so I haven’t been on as much but I’ll try to be on more

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My friend/ old bf and I have been talking on the phone every evening for a couple hours straight. Like over call not text. It’s so nice to have someone to talk to, we’ve just been catching up and it’s nice. We’ve been discussing music, and just anything else that comes up, he plays guitar, I play ukulele. It’s like we have endless things to talk about, it’s a lot of fun. I feel less lonely.

Anyway, I’ve been watching the John Wick movies , I’m partway through the 3rd one now. Probably waiting for the 4th one to come out digitally because I don’t want to pay to go to the theater and pay for expensive drinks and snacks. It’s expensive and adds up fast. Rather just watch it at home when it’s released, at my leisure.

Tomorrow I have to go to my volunteer job , it will be my first day on my own without help. Hopefully it goes well.

I’ve been doing well mentally, my mood is good, I haven’t been dissociating or super anxious. All in all things are good. Not sure what I’m doing for Easter. Might see my sister, see if she wants to come over for coffee or something.

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I must have had some high blood pressure last night (Cuz of Noopept, ket + 3 stimulants). I lied in bed for 2+ hours, then put 0.25mg of clonazepam under my tongue, fell asleep.

I'm not a normal psychiatric patient.

But I am alive today. That is is all. I see psychiatrist in 2 hours.

All of this doesn't really matter so don't take it seriously SP. All is good.

Working on the resume next week witht he career readiness instructor then will start applying to jobs, I've got 4-5 places in mind I'm planning on applying to

Hope you find a job that suits you Blue Bird!

Thanks Boots! It's great to see you

I'm lost in a maze. But it's a fun maze.

Nothing lasts. Nothing. But love possibly.

All I do is talk about my ex step dad and what he did to me. I have to find a better way to solve the issue. Venting obviously doesn't help. It's ingrained into my dying soul. I'm literally dying, venting on a fake support forum. Well, I take that back.., most people care, and aren't inadvertently trying to manipulate me into being hospitalized or something - So I'll try to let it go.

The mods also have this same contempt for me as well.

"We're not deleting your account because we know that you'll just make a new one. If you want to stop posting here, just take a break or stop".

But the problem is that all of my posts aren't anonymous. I want them to be anonymous. And if I get banned? - It'll still have my name here, where anyone can just easily search up all of my posts (I think).

So I just keep posting. So someone better ****ing fix this. I'm tortured as ****. SP has known me for like almost a decade. She's not going to change her opinion on how I'm scum, or even the mods - That I'm some person glorifying drugs, or that my people think my personality is just drugs.

The fact is that I have a different opinion about addiction. Things will get better for me as I've been much better off, continuing to follow what I think is the right path, following my heart. That drugs can heal trauma, or even psychedelics for addiction itself, etc.

Or my opinions about fasting - Yeah.. Anorexia is a real illness - And the way to break that pattern is through compassion, being careful or maybe not mentioning it to them until society changes (Because its a dysfunctional solidified pattern, a pathology). It's always until society progresses.. about these things..

But I'm done. There's many other things. Even the psychedelic community is super touchy about someone with a schizophrenia diagnosis taking psychedelics. But I bet people eventually won't, whether non-hallucinogenic derivatives are made in the future... or w/e. A cure.

And my doctor says the most simple stuff - I KNOW it helps. I'm trying to do the right things. It's just super messy. I procrastinate, and struggle like everyone about the same things.

Sure, some delusions of grandeur. Who cares. It's balanced. I'm not causing trouble for anyone, I'm just thinking. That's all I'm doing is THINKING. Because I find it hard to ****ing do things out of paralysis and maybe nihilism? Who would ****ing guess after what happened. It's PTSD.

"Oh then why don't you just take MDMA?" - I took it when I didn't even know that I was needing to integrate another traumatic weirdness in the psych ward. I was isolated and neglected, and didn't know any better. I didn't ****ing know what to do. I'm still learning.

And the.. waiting for MDMA psychotherapy, again.. for society to progress + I get heart palpitations from SSRIs. So not a good idea, to do all of these things myself.

But that's all I had. I was left in the dark. It was all deceitful, hidden evil. And it happened to everyone I GUESS. Everyone's on their phone, not talking to each other or connecting IRL. It's a mess.

And then the searching about what it all means, what it is.. I did that for a few years - But I seek more. I try to balance it, the way it's supposed to be.. Or whatever chemicals my brain can form long term about that type of balance.. But in the end, people can make up what ever they want. There's no such thing as death, but outside entities (Because we're human and mirror that type of pattern, like God being some old man with a white beard in the clouds), they influence every day life - And evil people channel them into this world.

It's evil, and to find ... cuz it's purgatory, a hallucination.. People can be lucky and find peace.

Volunteer job went well today. It was my first day on my own. Was kinda chaotic, there were like 9 cats today. I did my best. All of them were so sweet. I'm really tired. I woke up at 2:30am and have been up ever since. I'm going to the movie theater with my friend tonight. Going to come home and hopefully go straight to sleep. I kind of dissociated/panicked on the bus ride home from the pet place today. Like really badly. I don't know if it was from lack of sleep or what. I'm sure that doesn't help. I can't wait to go to bed tonight

I slept about 10.5 hours last night. I had a really hard time getting to work. I asked my Dad to get up and make my lunch so he did. So I wasn't late but it was cutting it close. EEK. I was just so tired.

I applied for burial/life insurance but I am afraid I am not going to get it because of my psych stuff. They called me today and asked me a bunch of questions. I have three life insurance policies but they are all tied to work. 1 is one that my work pays for and is $15K, another one I pay for and is $50 K but also through work. The third is $50K and is through Colonial life and I don't know if I can take it with me if I were ever to leave this job as long as I continue to pay the premiums or what. So I applied for a $30K burial insurance and an extra $50K if I die by accident but I don't know. Just the way that they were talking on the phone I think I am going to be denied. That sucks.

Note: I am not planning on dying any time soon. I am just trying to take care of things especially as I see my parents getting older and what they have to deal with. I just want my sister to be able to take care of things if something were to happen to me.

I am looking for a wedding present for my sister who is getting remarried in July. I think I found one that I like but I sent her several options. I told her that she doesn't have to pick from those options, they were just ideas--from Etsy and Amazon.

Then my oldest nephew is turning 21 this May. If found this cool compass that is engraved and I can put the date and the reason. It's a little more than I would normally spend on his birthday but 21 is a big one. So I am thinking about getting that. I have to get paid first though. I don't get paid until tomorrow. At least it gives me time to think!

I am worried about my mom. She went to the doctor yesterday. She has lost 18 lbs in one month and she's not trying to lose weight. She is already skinny. She just isn't eating much. But the doctor is going to run a bunch of tests and a whole body scan. I just hope she doesn't have cancer or something. I am trying not to freak out. She sleeps a lot. Like 18 hours a day.

My coworker is back at work. She had covid. I did some of her job while she is away. I didn't mind but it is nice that she is back! I'm glad she is feeling better.

Hope you sleep well tonight

Your mom is in my thoughts

Sending hugs and love @Desoxyn

I miss a lot of the other patients and some of the staff from the hospital I just got released from. I've been trying to get in contact with old, sober friends but no one wants to associate with me anymore. I just feel so lonely. I went from being around other people that understand me 24/7 to being alone overnight and I don't like it.