Roll Call 198

Omg Taco Bell delivers. I haven’t had Taco Bell in years. It’s settled. I’ll order some Taco Bell on Saturday afternoon/evening.

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I’m ordering Indian food tomorrow for dinner.

Paneer pakora, beef vindaloo, butter chicken, and lamb biryani.

Was going to make turkey chili but turkey chili hasn’t happened in the last few weeks so we’re going to use the ground turkey to make meatballs and have subs on Sunday.

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Going to try to shower every two or so days now. I have to shower more than once a week. It’s just been hard.

But I believe in myself. I can do this get back into good habits.

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Also, I ordered like $80 worth of gluten free pasta noodles online. It’s like 10 boxes.

Oops. At least I got 15% off.

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I made plans with my sister for next weekend. We’re gonna stop at the grocery store to buy some flowers then stop by our moms grave and put them there and then stop by one of the cafes downtown and have something to eat.

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I consumed 3-4mg of Noopept. I felt muscle tension, so took the 5mg of olanzepine and 5mg of diazepam.

My mom wanted to go for a walk (And I said no), but then thought that it would be good for the muscle tension.

It seems like the best walk I've ever had!... Warm, not a cloud in the sky, snow covered mountains.. People running, doing things.. One group of people started swimming in the freezing river (They stayed in there for like 3-4 minutes) - We talked to them, and they've been doing that every day for like a week.

I had music playing in one earbud, beautiful. We visited a friend that was working at the bar - I had a coke + water, zero social anxiety - And I then walked back home.

Amazing. The spring is coming! It will be good...

This is the happiest/most content that I can possibly be =]

When it rains in July/August, it'll be good...

Still a lot of work must be done. And Idk how I'm gonna do it, to progress in life..

Got on the treadmill for 15 min. And also did a weights, and some squats with resistance bands. Don’t want to burn myself out so I’m starting out small till I build the habit and build up my stamina.

Decorated the 2nd and 3rd floor’s bulletin boards for the building manager for spring.

Not much else I need to do today. Just spend some time reading my books.

Tomorrow I’ll clean my apartment. And order Taco Bell in the evening

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Good morning everyone.

I am doing okay today. I am at work but I am not busy at all! I should have brought my Easter cards to fill out! Dang it!

I don't feel as depressed as I was feeling for those 6-8 weeks so that's good.

I am looking forward to Palm Sunday and Easter. Then my parent's 50th wedding anniversary is at the end of April. We are having a party for them at the beginning of May.

My sister is getting a cute tattoo today of a sunflower with her 5 children's names in it. My Mom will probably freak out because my sister has gotten a lot of tattoo's in a short amount of time. (She's just worried she will regret it later--but it's my sister's body, she can do what she wishes with it.) I only have one and I've had it for like 9 months. I don't think I will get another one unless something big happens in my life that I want to commemorate. But my sister got one with her fiancee that was cool and now she is getting this one with her kiddos names in it and she got a few others too.

Not too many plans this weekend. Gotta do my bedding and do my Easter cards. Usually Mom and Dad and I will go out to dinner on Friday night's. So if they feel up to it we will go. If we go to Denny's I want blueberry pancakes and a side of bacon.

HUGS to all, Kit

Getting my septum pierced tomorrow finally. I called to confirm that the jewelry they use is small horseshoe style so it can be flipped up in case I need it to not be visible in a work environment when I’m working

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Had a good day at work. Not too busy. But just enough. Having a couple drinks now and Indian food for dinner. Yummy.

Going to go to Costco tomorrow in the morning that’s pretty much my whole weekend.

Feeling mentally well. So not all too bad.

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I'm absolutely starving, like never before + I've gained 5lbs or something.

There was no ketchup, so my mom told me to go to the grocery store.. I bought whatever I could.. came back with 2 grocery bags.

My mom said "Have you smoked pot?".. cuz..

And so.. I'll speak to my psychiatrist about this.

No nvm, I'll figure it out...

Should I continue reading books? I have books that I want to read =/

Might be going to the movie theater tonight with my friend

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I feel the best I've ever felt. As I am a hallucination.

Arket (Neuroplasticity isomer), and Noopept, music becomes me.

I have to attend to the TODO list though. The spiritual awakening is flying higher before it descends, slightly.

But all of the planes we're in, thats what they do. Imagine if all we knew were flights, sometimes crash/death.. But we all know that we're gonna die. All of us.

Not only that.. but there will be anti aging technology. Illness? Cured.. Every time you see the doctor.. Then the nano robots.. Repairing cellls and tissue, immortality.

But in the past, the religions, ancestors.. they go to a place, watch us.. It just gets so colourful and amazing though, up in the stars. To become the universe, steal gold, crystals, technology/magic... And bring it back. Every fairy tale or story you've ever heard... It's real, all just pictures.. metaphors, sliding through each other.. to become your life.

There's always negative energies that we run from, and positive to head towards. Demons, evil entities - And what ever nonsense in the vocabulary of those weird people on certain parts of reddit.. Saying that the sun isn't yellow anymore, that it's white now..

I'd like to focus.. But I have emotion... Spaciness.. Anything you think of me, maybe it's sadness, knowing - But if I'm not given a chance, it will always be a misunderstanding of rhetorical frequencies, doing what ever..

And those people.. that think they know what the hell they're doing? Are they legit? Telling me.. Assuming.. things that I already have in my back pocket, or something stored away. It's nonsense. I claim those people as absurd hallucinations IMO.

Happy April 1st.

"I want to collect every important piece of advice for me and organize it all, then simplify it - For maximum potential, even though it seems like nothing and is more difficult in the beginning"

I'll meditate in 10 minutes cuz everything is a bit much

Talked on the phone for 2 1/2 hours straight with one of my friends. We dated when I was 18 for like a year.
, went to the same high school

Hadn’t talked to him in a long time. 2 1/2 hours flew by like nothing. Had really good conversations. Was worried it would be awkward a bit but it was great. Was nice to have in depth conversations with someone.

Anyway, I had a really good day. Started watching the John Wick movies in preparation for going to see John Wick 4 in the movie theater tomorrow with my other friend

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Yesterday I went to Costco and Starbucks and did some cleaning and watched some TV.

Today I helped my mom clean the vehicle inside and out and went to Starbucks. Also Bed Bath and Beyond (closing sale), and Marshall’s. Bought some sheets, some dog toys, and a couple shirts and snacks.

Now I’m bored. Half watching Key Largo on TCM now. I’ve seen it before I just don’t feel like watching anything. Maybe I’ll continue this WWII documentary series later. I’m on episode 5 of 24.

Thinking about making a cocktail or drinking some wine.

I’m just bored. I wish I had the motivation to get back into working out.

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I'm telling my psychiatrist tomorrow that I'm going to QUIT the Invega Trinza. I think it's causing apathy/depression. I don't give a single **** what happens. This is my last chance to stop before I'm forced to take it (If anything bad does happen).

He'll have to figure something out.

"Some people may experience depression or apathy as a side effect of antipsychotic medication. This may be more common in individuals who are taking higher doses of the medication or who are taking the medication for longer periods of time."

I was apathetic since I was traumatized. So I don't know. Nothing makes sense. I really mean that. Everything is complete nonsense. I don't care. I don't know who I am. Life is too much work. I've been bossed around all of my life. I'm tired of it to death. Even my mom, everyone just tells me what to do and what I'm doing wrong. I want all of existence to stop. I want death to all of this hallucination.

I actually feel better just venting, and whatever is wearing off/kicking in. Yeah I know, I'm not allowed to mention anything. But even drug servers, mods say "You're doing it dangerously" - That's what I mean by people assuming ****.

I'm tired of it all. No one seems to be real or have a consciousness.

It's all ego. I don't judge anyone. I'm in a white room of isolation.

Or think that I know what I'm talking about. I never do.

I'm ready to burn my life again. I tried. No one should help me. Just let me die. I deserve it. At least I hung onto life as best as I could.

But then there's all of existence.. 50% will be heaven + it will be warped even more depending on the direction , of where ever I am and where I'm going.

I feel less confused. I'm not deleting anything anymore.. Just read, and move on. It doesn't matter. I'm like an AI.