Roll Call 199

I also got a lot of good stuff for myself there.

Pastries (cupcakes and 2 donuts)

Stuffed mushrooms
A pizza calzone
2 blocks of sharp cheddar cheese
Eggs
Milk
Yogurt
Cottage cheese
Fruit
Fresh veggies /produce
Cajun seafood salad
Cheese curds
Bacon cheddar mashed potatoes
Breads
Cheese and pepperoni pinwheel bites
And various non perishables and canned goods

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I really have always wanted to try poutine. I have cheese curds now. So maybe I should try making it sometime.

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Do iiitttt. I love poutine. Get a pack of instant gravy and some fries and have at it!

Good tip is to let your cheese curds get to about room temperature before you put them in with the fries and gravy. They melt better that way. Or alternately put them in the microwave for a few seconds to get warm.

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Thanks for the tip! And I’m definitely gonna try it out when I can get some fries and gravy

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It's been enough days now so I must be in the low/depressive part of the cycle. I've always had a low/high depressive/manic cycle, though it doesn't mean I'm non-stop depressed. Sometimes I get breaks, sometimes it's non-stop, sometimes it's rapid cycling, sometimes I feel manic and depressed at the same time.

I was diagnosed with a truckload of disorders so I don't if it's BPD or what.

I notice that my jaw and mouth get tired easily from chewing or lip synching or talking a lot.

Realistically it’s probably from clenching my jaw and grinding my teeth in my sleep (I’m terrible at using my mouth guard).

But my mind immediately goes to ‘you have myasthenia gravis’ and that would explain my lack of grip strength and that immune response I had as well.

Oh my brain. I may have some health anxiety/OCD.

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Did 30 minutes on the treadmill. That’s 2 days in a row

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For lunch I'm broccoli and corn.

And lately I'm getting weird thoughts feelings. What if everyone is really one person one mind but over vast amounts of time we've split and just forgotten that? ...never mind my weirdness.

Not much else going on this week aside from exercising, cleaning, doing errands, practicing ukulele. Next week is gonna be busy though, I have 3 appointments next week. One with my psychiatrist, one with my therapist and one with my regular doctor.

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and also prune juice and tangerine juice. Prune juice sounds disgusting I think but every once in a great while I like it.

Tangerine juice should takes amazing but it's really just a tad better than orange juice.

BTW anyone know what happened to @Breaking Dawn

I haven’t seen them in awhile I hope they’re okay

I like cranberry juice

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I’m working 630am-230pm today in office. I took lunch at 12pm and I’m still sitting in the cafeteria. I get an hour for lunch but it’s already been about an hour and 15 minutes. I don’t want to go back lmao. My boss is on vacation this week so it’s not like anyone is going to notice I’m gone.

Aside from that I’m doing okay I think.

Almost four days sober.

Part of me just wants to go home and have some wine and a margarita but I know that I have bad habits and won’t stop at just one drink. Secretly drinking and all that too.

It’s worse when I’m alone. I get so tempted.

Anyway, I’ll go back to work soon. Just have to last another hour or so then the day is over. Going to get something takeout for dinner because I have a chiropractor appointment at 5pm.

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Slept at 12am. Slight heart palps from a kratom capsule, no good.

Going for a hike this afternoon.

The first words God says are, "I give myself away". Just like, every second, we give ourselves away..

(I used to be complete atheist, so these thoughts are interesting to me. But only drive yourself a little nuts as much as you can handle, a little bit every day).

We don't need to figure everything out in one day ^-

I also realized that there is a creator of God, called "The all knowing spirit" - And it was always there, a neutral thing.. floating, for eons.

But I am be completely uninformed lol.. I just have my own weird thoughts too.. They can seem like scary thoughts at first.

And people forced these thoughts on me, about "interdimensional entities" etc and abused me (On video chat) - I was like "I know these exist.." (But I still wasn't integrated properly). It was a horrible time (With dissociation).

It could have been done a better way.

Hey everyone, just listening to some blues (Buddy Guy). Anyway, feeling very melancholic. And I read this book this one time that said melancholy can be productive. And here I am sitting wondering like why can it be productive?

I also feel like the least productive person on Earth.

I guess it's just very hard for me to get motivated.

Was a nice hike, smoke everywhere. All four of us sat outside and talked for a bit.. The conversations I hear? I feel like my mind just goes in and out (When people are talking).

Idk why people like me sometimes. I don't know when to laugh, and seem cold (But silly)/awkward. I really need people that are like me (Or just allow me to get a word in/say something) - Cuz everyone just loves to talk.

Most people can just talk, like there's no problem.. They don't think about how strange reality is, and the questioning. Makes me feel dumb, or like a Gen Z with no life experience, or that I don't even know what I'm doing.

So I do my psychonaut things - Am I productive? I search conspiracies, interests, listen to music, attempt to attend to goals.. I need money. I wish I could just make enough money (On my laptop), and just travel everywhere.. bring the laptop with me, sit on the beach, constantly running away/or on the go.

Cuz things seem dark and hopeless, but I'm in a good mood - And that's most people, knowing something that I don't - About the way life works (This particular one).. I take in ~100x more information than I can process.. So that's why meditation would be good..

I just had a half hour walk when the sun was setting. That seems to be the best time. It was the best walk ever. My mind was just floating, pondering. It was dark enough so I couldn't see much details, so my mind wasn't being distracted. I was mostly unaware of where I was going. It was like 2 years of good therapy. Heavenly

That sounds brilliant. I used to walk home from work over the Brooklyn Bridge and just lose myself in music and endorphins. I was so happy on those mornings. It took between 30 to 45 minutes one way.

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I have a bunch of errands to do this morning so I haven't slept. For some reason I have a ton of anxiety. I should look out the window and see if I can see the sunrise. I wish I had a pint of Bacardi dark. I'd have fallen asleep hours ago if I could have had any. I'm tired but too anxious to trust my sleep if I even could.

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I missed the sunrise and I still can't sleep. I set an alarm on an alarm app simple enough for me to understand. I hope everything goes well.

I love walking places mindfully. It's like a whole new world.

I read this book once called "The Philosophy of Walking" I think it was called.

Just basically about how walking can be therapeutic and even a political act sometimes.