Roll Call 199

I'm harmless to everyone lol.. but myself. My mom and her ex harmed me.

I never put anyone down - I remember my dad told me "Lift people up". He's good.. But also has a side of evil.

My mom got my dad on the phone just now - I said "Someone online thinks I'm evil" - And I get "discombobulated all the time" they said.

I have a loving family, my cat.. and just trying to figure things out. There's real recked people on the streets, having these same conversations, on drugs, murdering w/e.

I'm getting off of here. Bye. I tried to help.

And btw, there's magic trick that people play with their minds - To decide/make decisions.. It can be completely irrational, to deal with the uncertainties.

Every time I try to say anything on here, people interfere with that. I'm not out causing trouble. I don't talk to plants like that makes me special - Maybe if I were a real hippie and smoked a bunch of pot. I'm done.

We had the most amazing magical walk tonight. While entering the park there was a little girl maybe 5. While walking past her about 15 feet away she started leaning forward and down just staring a hole in me like she saw something mesmerizing.

Later on this guy opens his front door as I'm walking by and shouts "Shoot yourself! Shoot yourself! Shoot yourself!" LOL I laughed and kept walking and then turn around and said something I had forgotten about so long ago, "Evil is a stepping stone!" and I just laughed so much. The evil one on earth is getting desperate to take me down, but he can't touch me. I mean, it's getting so obvious. It's becoming time to wake up and do my job.

And then this tune, song, kept entering my mind. I guess it's a song one of us heard awhile ago but I have no memory of hearing it but the tune is so loud so I started singing it out loudly to only realize this young asian lady across the street quickly turned and looked at me lol.

I hope everyone is having a fun night. It's party time!

For what it’s worth, I think you’re one of the most wholesome people around here. You are definitely not evil.

I know sometimes I can say stuff out of worry but I never mean harm.

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I didn’t sleep at all. Stayed up all night. It’s going on 5am now. I should have slept I’m regretting it now.

Anyway, I’m gonna get a load of laundry started in a few minutes. Have to take a walk to the store then come home and take a walk to the pharmacy after that. Need to finish cleaning. Then gonna practice ukulele for an hour and a half. I’m honestly tempted to just go to sleep for like have the morning I’m so ****ing tired right now. But I feel like it’s too late to go to sleep at this point. I might as well stay up and get a good night of sleep tonight. Idk maybe I can sleep for an hour at some point during the day.

I stopped my Thorazine a couple days ago and am stopping my abilify today. I know. It didn’t go well last time. But I’m going to try my best to cope with whatever issues I have without them. I just want to lose weight. I’m so tired of struggling to lose weight despite exercising and eating more balanced.

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I wish I was dead sometimes. I have zero purpose in this life. I feel like I was a major mistake and that I shouldn’t exist in this world.

I’m gonna take a break from social media for like a week. I’ll be back though , I just need to spend less time online and more time mindfully in my life.

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You have everything good going for you and you seem stable why would you change your medication and chance ruining all that? It never ends up well.

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I just feel like I should be able to handle things on my own without the meds, Idk, I don't want to ruin things but I'm so frustrated with my weight

I'll go back on them. My doctor would probably be frustrated with me anyway if she knew I went off my meds again after doing that recently resulted in a manic episode.

I agree with cogladaid, Blue. Best not to rock the boat. I know the weight gain is frustrating, but which is worse: extra pounds or ruining your relationships, finances, putting your life (and potentially others') in danger?

Glad to hear you're going back on them.

Bluebird…it’s almost impossible for low weight on these meds however if you go off them you will probably never go back to school or get a job. You cannot have it all and must choose what’s most important.

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You’re all correct. I just get impulsive sometimes about stopping my meds. I need to stop doing that. I also need to come to terms with the fact that I won’t be at the weight I want. I can keep eating healthy and exercising, staying active. But there’s not much else I can do beyond that to control it.

sternum thump

That’s So unprofessional of them but regarding the Valium and alcohol that can cause um the permanent sleep so watch out…

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Eh, I got nothing to lose.

Maybe there are people like us who don’t want to lose you? I for one would miss your cool pics of hiking.

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I had at least a year of using benzo with alcohol. It makes life twice as bad and increases the positive symptoms of psychosis. So be very careful.

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I have a broken skin area on the floor of my mouth under my tongue. There's nothing that could reach that area except maybe food that could irritate the area. I'm scared it's oral cancer.

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The 80 mg latuda seems to help me a lot. I am so grateful that I finally have a med that helps and doesn't cause weight gain and stuff. I tried some spiritual stuff tonight. I don't know. Maybe I'll just stick to meditation with an app and call it at that. I don't think I can get much deeper than that.

Yeah benzos and alcohol are not fun... I used to mix .

Desoxyn, you are loved here. I for one find humor in a lot of the things you post. Not out of spite - obviously not. You are a caring, sensitive, good-hearted individual. Please don't lose sight of that. I care about you.

I'm glad latuda worked for you. My psychiatrist put me on it for like 4 months. I forgot the dosage but I couldn't notice any difference. So disappointing because I always like the latuda commercials so I had high hopes. Anyways I had him take me off of them because they're so expensive.

I spent the day at my sisters for a baby shower. It was fun until the only three people that I feel comfortable talking to left the party and then all of a sudden it felt like I was in an elevator. That sinking feeling in your stomach. I wondered around alone looking stupid afraid to talk to anyone so I eventually found myself in the kitchen and met this old lady who made me feel comfortable. So I ended up working for like 5 hours. She's a friend of a lot of people at the party but worked non stop anyway. I told her in July I'll be at an airbnb where there's a massive beautiful catholic church that I'll be going to. She drives past it all the time and wants to go with me to church. So maybe I'll make a friend.

Yeah it can be tough finding the right med. Luckily I live in Argentina where I can get the generic version of Latuda that isn't that expensive, but I hear you on the cost - it is super expensive in the U.S.

For me it's not so much about something "working" or not, it's about whether it helps with the symptoms that truly make my life worse. Just wanted to add that as well.

I'm super tired. I was up until 11pm binging/purging (I normally go to bed at 8:30) and I woke up a little after 2am. I want to go to the library to drop off a book I just finished reading even though it's not due for another week. I really want to stay busy today so I don't give myself the time to engage in any self-destructive behaviors.

I think I should call my T and ask her if I can get an earlier appointment next week. I don't want to wait until next Friday considering she cancelled two days ago and that was a really stressful day for me. I think I need to start taking the PRN Zyprexa more often to get my sleep back on track.