Roll Call 199

Zyprexa is good for sleep...

I took my meds and slept, I slept for 13 hours. Which is probably good because I was up for 40 hours

Went to the store and got some cat litter and some coffee

I kinda want to get small single serve coffee machine that does both k cups and coffee grounds. I found one that looks nice. Then get a milk frother thing and make fancy coffees

I’ve been feeling optimistic lately.

Going to the gym a lot. Not drinking. Going out and doing some things.

I’m thinking about giving university a try again. But instead of doing math and computer science to do something business like finance or something. It’s a thought. Change my major and maybe do a couple courses. Don’t push myself.

Anyway it’s a thought. I went to the gym this morning and did arm day. Gym is closed tomorrow so I’ll probably do some biking at home.

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I'm happy this morning that someone who borrowed money finally paid me back, nearly $1600. It took ages and a lot of stressful texts. I've had such horrible experience with people (from airbnbs and a lady in Missouri) not paying back. I never charge interest or anything but it's so easy for people to forget you and keep the money.

Anyway now I have enough to barely pay the upcoming airbnb auto payment.

I'm torn whether to go to the gym or not. It's like I know it's good for me, but I still can't get myself to go. Maybe I'll try tomorrow.

Anyway, I wrote about half a song today. Pretty proud of that.

Wow that's really awesome! Writing a song has never entered my mind. I wouldn't even know where to start.

That's pretty cool!

I’ve been learning Zombie by The Cranberries on ukulele. I’m getting better at changing chords faster. I know the chord progression. It’s E minor, C, G, D and it repeats like that throughout the entire song and then the strumming pattern I’m using is down down down downup x2 per chord.

So it’d be E minor down three times, then down up, repeat once then onto the next chord and do that for the whole song.

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You can use any type of of strumming pattern that works and sounds good. I was doing one I found that was a more complex it was d d d ud ud ud d but it was kind of annoying to do and didn’t work well with the song for me so I found a better one on a tutorial version which is the d d d ud x2 one I mentioned

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Sorry I forgot to mention the d’s stand for down and the u’s stand for up

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Thanks! Yeah I have my electric guitar here. So I've lacked motivation for a while to actually write music again, but I did it today.

I feel like drinking a coffee now but I know it would ruin my sleep. Ugh. I am torn on a lot of things right now. Whether to go to the gym. Whether or not to stay on 80 mg latuda. Whether or not to have coffee. Probably seems like trivial stuff but it is not for me.

I believe you were just saying that the Latuda was helping. I wouldn’t doubt that thought and just stay on it.

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Yeah you're right. It is helping I just hate being on so many meds. But I can deal with it.

I feel amazing today

Music in general , listening etc and practicing music is giving me a euphoric feeling and I love it. I blocked out an hour of everyday to practice and Saturdays and Sundays two hours each day.

I’m not manic. I’m just really enjoying it and having fun. It’s also nice to be dating my bf who’s also a musician. He plays guitar. Is a billion times better/more experienced than me. But it’s great because we motivate each other to keep practicing more. We do video calls where we play together and he offers tips and stuff because he’s a lot more experienced with music and music theory etc than I am. Anyway, it’s fun.

I’m thinking of paying for lessons from a ukulele teacher at some point, it’s not in the budget at the moment. But I am going to save at some point I’d like to start taking weekly lessons just to have more guidance.

My new iPhone 12 is being delivered at some point tomorrow morning. Super excited about that. This phone I have now is so old and the battery is so degraded it’s not even funny how often I have to recharge it. It’s a pain to deal with.

This coming week I can touch base with my program manager he said to talk to him and he’ll let me know what he found out in terms of getting me started in getting a job as a peer recovery person. I’m sure there’s some kind of training I’ll have to do first.

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I started drinking coffee again. I’m trying to make it a once a day thing eventually. And just in mornings. Hard to not drink cup after cup of it all day.

Have you tried working with a therapist on the indecisiveness? It might be helpful to have some guidance with that. I am very indecisive too and am always impulsively changing my mind on things. It makes life difficult

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Wish I had a body cam so I'd know what's real and not. Yesterday morning a guy came walking across the street striking his hands together like he was trying to scare me. Next time I'm getting my phone out. So weird. Meds might help with that. But I can't see meds changing my beliefs.

I can hardly wait to go to bed tonight. Thanks to two benadryl an hour before bed that's easy.

If I go back to psychiatrist maybe I'll ask about Loxitane.

MSF has user ratings for various meds

https://mysupportforums.org/reviews/...&cat=1&ppuser=

Looks like Loxitane (Loxapine) is the highest rated antipsychotic med on the list. Someone commented that it's also good for BPD.

Yeah thanks, I am working with a therapist on it. She says to write down my doubtful thoughts, and I have been doing that, then just note them as doubtful thoughts. So it's helping. I think I'm doing better in that regard actually. And it does make life difficult to constantly change my mind on things. But it'll get better.

Today I went to the gym but I could only walk because there's something with my legs where they literally don't want to run on the treadmill anymore. I am going to ask my pdoc about it because I used to be able to run on the treadmill.

I think I'm actually much better on the doubts than I was before. Before I would actually make impulsive decisions that would really be irreversible. Like quitting my grad program, etc. Luckily those turned out to be reversible, but only after a ton of effort and emotional strain. Now I just have the occasional doubt about meds or something like that, and I am usually able to come out of it.

My new phone came today. I love it

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When it comes to this stuff meds are like 90-95% of the way forward.

My phone came with 3 free months of Apple Arcade, apple health/fitness plus, and Apple TV and Apple News. All free for 3 months. I’ll cancel them when the time is up but I’m gonna enjoy them until then

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Doing well, no migraines, sodium levels are good, still sober. Everything is good except depression and some frustration. Work is going well. Book is doing awesome, writing it has been the highlight of my life, my own version of a divine comedy, my attempt at least. Should be published in September.
The only issues I have to resolve really are depression and my social withdrawal. At work I'm great, I'm a good leader. On facebook I'm leading a Paradise Lost reading group. But I retreat to my room a lot