Roll Call 199

Anyway, today I am thinking about the millions of distractions I have in my life and how to either cut them out or limit them. For example, as a strategy, I have been, today at least, turning off my cell phone when I'm doing something that doesn't involve my cell phone. I have been timing different activities. Like I'll listen to music for 25 minutes and do something while doing that, and then take a little 5-minute break, then the 25 minutes again for another activity. Then I've been picking at random another activity (because I suffer from intense decision-fatigue). And then repeat.

I put a down payment on an iPhone 12. It will be here tomorrow or Monday depending on how fast it ships. I decided to do that instead of getting a new battery for my old phone, an iPhone 8 Plus.

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Enjoy it

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I still can't sleep and I'm tired but wakeful. I got most of my errands done so I'm glad but the moon is badly afflicted and it looks like nothing I do through tomorrow morning will go well. This has to do with an order I placed for candy. Already my roommate said she changed her mind (I suspect because she doesn't have enough money). So I'll ask her if she can pay half and split the item with me. Idk. It's so simple but everything's going wrong.

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Guys, I need your input on something. Does this sound like paranoia or a legitimate concern to you:

I have an abusive ex. Today using somebody else's phone he texted me and I responded asking "who's this?" (thinking it was someone I gave my number to in the hospital or an old friend/contact I deleted for stupid reasons) and he said who he was and asked why I won't talk to him anymore. I blocked the number. Now there's a truck I don't recognize sitting across the street. There's nobody in it and it's been there for at least 20 minutes. I'm worried it's him or someone he sent to spy on me and potentially hurt me. It's a really nice truck though--something he definitely couldn't afford (but something he could borrow or steal). I don't want to leave the house or give any indication somebody's home. I live in a townhouse so maybe the neighbors just have someone over? I realize that's probably what's going on, but I highly doubt it.

Thoughts?

@MuddyBoots Just be careful. I hope your ex didn't have a key to the house. He may have made a copy.

Today's one of those "hide under the rock" days. Pain is such an annoying thing. Maybe I can brainwash my brain into thinking pain isn't so bad.

I'm never microdosing EVER again. Sure, I like the neuroplasticity - From such a small dose?, I had some of the most profound thoughts I've ever had... And just lying there, thinking really fast.. It's thought stimulating, I enjoyed it.

But I then tried to go to sleep, and had visuals/dreams while awake, then my heart would "jump", and I'd wake back up again (This hasn't happened in months).. I needed clonazepam to put me to sleep - After it felt like adrenaline was being released from my heart, after it squeezed.

I'm done. Only macrodosing (In the future - Maybe in a couple of years). I guess I just have to deal with how my mind is now..

The only things I'll use now, are "nootropics", just to improve cognition and such (Like nicotine, caffeine, etc).

I was really disappointed this morning, and just slept in. My dream job would be studying psychoactive chemicals, psychology and neuroscience (In some way)... Anyway, w/e. Lol =[

@MuddyBoots I don't think the truck has to do with you. Your ex would have to be really motivated to do anything involving a truck. He might be an evil genius but I doubt it.

I ate my usual lunch, frozen corn and broccoli. There's no seasoning at the airbnb here but it's okay. I really don't want to work, and just get overwhelming feeling to run away from everything.

And then these weird thoughts keep coming to me that some people aren't real, but are either evil or good, and that some people are kind of like reflections of the God source. The reason for thinking this is some people in my life say things that they shouldn't know.

I should ignore those kind of thoughts.

Any serotonergic medication (Seroquel, mirtazepine, trazodone, Zoloft, Prozac, escitalopram, etc) - They all mess with my heart as well. I can't take them. I'm too sensitive to them.

Sorry, I didn't mean to sound flip. Hugs

My new phone shipped out, it's being delivered Monday, super excited

I took some pics when I tried on my dresses. I need to get the right kind of bras to go with them and some shoes to go with them. The size of them was a tad too big, but I can still wear them. I'll just order one size smaller next time I buy a dress from there

Might change my living situation at the end of July so that I can live with someone else. I just can't do the living alone thing without going out of my mind. Anyway, it's been a learning experience nonetheless.

Also my thesis is due on 9/4/2023. Wish me luck to get it done lol.

I know loneliness can be horrible. But I'm extremely sensitive who I can live with. If it's the right person then it's better than being alone.

Of course it's my fault but I'm really getting tired of eating corn and broccoli. I think my body is really starting to rebel. A nice half dozen taco bell tacos sounds so amazing right now.

I think eating corn and broccoli for a meal isn’t enough to really keep you full. Protein helps make you more full than just veggies or carbs.

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Meditation will be the main thing to focus on right now. I'm still not exactly sure how long I can meditate.

"Ultimately, the beauty of meditation lies in its versatility and the ability to adapt it to individual needs and preferences"

ChatGPT has been explaining all of this to me.

And btw, the Invega Trinza injection is good.. has an antidepressant effect, at least... Not making me agitated, negatively.

But I still miss tripping.

I have 2 blocks of sharp cheddar cheese. Now I wish I had some grapes to go with them. Grapes and cheese go so well together.

Anyway, my nieces birthday is coming up. She turns 18 the day before my 29th birthday. I have picked out a gift for her, it’s a nose ring for her nose piercing. She said that’s what she wanted so that’s what I’m getting her.

I had a really bad migraine today, to the point of throwing up. My bf had ibuprofen delivered to me though from Walmart home delivery and that helped a ton. I was out of ibuprofen so that’s really helpful. It’s a 500 ct bottle. It was here in 30 minutes from the time it was ordered, which was fast.

Anyway, I’m doing well. Having a really hard time focusing though. I jump from thing to thing. I’ll start watching a show then 5 minutes in jump to another one and so on and then eventually give up and read but I can’t focus on that either. My attention span is so short. I don’t know how to fix it.

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I ate too much today and feel disgusted with myself.

Tomorrow I have my monthly meeting with my program manager to discuss goals and whatnot. I already scheduled a pap exam so that goal is almost taken care of. I have that appointment next week.

Anybody have any tips for improving focus?

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Fish oil or other omega 3s really help,especially on Abilify

I just lay there, thinking, for 4 hours. This happens sometimes - Idk why.. Maybe cuz of the Invega.

I decided to get up and chew nicotine.

I wonder if I should get an echo or 48 hour monitor for my heart.

I want the doctors to be nice to me.. and not just decrease the stimulant so fast. Cold turkey could probably kill me.

I'm so anxious about death. My doctor said "Between you and me, it's okay to exercise as intensely as you want". I should have asked him, "If I get sudden death, and I'm up there.. wherever, in the stars yknow?, would you get in trouble?"..

My parents don't have long to live. This world is also evil and disturbing. I'm crying.

God is love. That's what it is.

My excitement for the evening is finding a package of fully loaded instant mashed potatoes in a storage bag. Just add hot water. Anything states amazing after having corn and broccoli 2 weeks.