Roll Call 201

Anker noise cancelling headphones (wireless) they have super good reviews and I’ve been wanting a pair of over the ear headphones with noise cancellation. I have an Apple Music subscription so I can really enjoy music with them. I have beats earbuds but they are hard to wear for long periods they get uncomfortable, plus in general I prefer over the heat headphones to earbuds. That’s what I’m getting

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I worked three days the past week so next Fridays paycheck will be around $240

The propranolol my doctor prescribed is at the pharmacy. I’ll pick it up tomorrow morning

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Have an appointment with my therapist in an hour and a half from now. Also kinda waiting to see if I get called in for tomorrow for work. They generally call a day ahead around 3-4pm the day before they need you , if they do that’s okay with me. It’s going on 2:30pm now

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Saw the naturopath yesterday. Doing food sensitivity testing and see what happens.

I’ve been having some upset gut lately (bloating and cramps) and idk what. I didn’t eat very good yesterday (donuts, mac and cheese, and chicken fingers) either. I decided I’m going to try going without dairy for a while and see how I feel.

Doing googling (which I probably shouldn’t do) what I see fits a lot of everything (gut problems, food sensitivities, anemia, and an immune response on blood tests) comes back as possibly Crohn’s disease. Which sucks but hey.

So I see my family doctor on Tuesday and I’m going to mention it and my sore arm. And I see the naturopath again on Oct 3, talk to the gastro doctor on Oct 12, and talk to another doctor about the immune response on Oct 25.

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I bought some snacks and drink mixes

One is Halloween Oreos that are orange inside. Then another thing of Oreos that are pumpkin spice flavored. A bag of blended or bubble tea mix. A bag of caramel frappe mix. Fudge from a small business. Three kinds, peanut butter, chocolate, and caramel turtle. The other thing I got is Dorayaki which is a Japanese snack which is like red bean paste in between pancake like surrounding. And a imported box of popular candy bars from around the UK.

I don’t know why I just suddenly decided I really wanted some interesting snacks and drinks around here

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Those pumpkins spice Oreos are excellent…

I’m going to give up carbonated drinks, artificial sweeteners, and dairy and see how I feel.

Booo all the fun things.

I just feel so bloated and unwell. Hate it.

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Doing good..

I want to read books.. I think that's the best way of learning (Other than podcasts). So I'll try and do that tomorrow..

The problem is my heart.. I fear it. I'm trying to make sense of infinity (Within my lifetime) as fast as I can, soon - Before I can change without knowing as much as I could if I didn't...

Idk why I keep getting hits of overthinking. Sometimes situations can interfere badly (Like other people). I need to balance myself.

I don't fully have faith - I could relax, and let the flames approach me and burn to death, desperately clinging to highs and bad energies. Or I could give up - And that doesn't do any good.

Manifesting positive energies (Cuz of neuroplasticity), gives momentum - Making people more resilient to the opposite forces (Anything mental, physical, spiritual etc), to go against the small energies that would have been trailing along with the spirit (Weighing us down, causing bad perceptions/experiences - Even in a neuroscience/chemical imbalance way).

- It's the same as the forces of gravity (A big MASS - Singularity.. Black hole, among infinite other black holes - Or even just thinking about the earth, and getting out of orbit) + Every other forces of the universe, popping in and out of existence with time - Just moving pictures, memories - Becoming real (Somewhere else).

The only thing I don't understand is "why?" - Are we supposed to try? - When nothing exists/everything exists.. Every single divine point in existence, is me (And everything else), and also THINGS that can't comprehend things (Of which also can't comprehend OTHER - In a loop).

So everyone's full of ****, but we are all valid (0 and 1). We just exist. People have to live to their own best standards (Before judging the world) - And those two are polar opposites of each other, so they are harmonized, in synchronicity. They work together.

It's my choice, it's everyone else's choice too. What I do? Hopefully God has a plan (Instead of me doing all of the right things, and the objective world still stays the same - But that's the thing about this reality.. Is that we're in a certain dimension of the infinite multiverse/God, that has made sense of itself, and can work based on experimentation and mimicking or evidence).

Have faith - But be mindful.

Christ wtf is wrong with the programming of my mind..

I'll never be able to catch up, or undo the trauma. Maybe it will happen within this lifetime, idk.. If I knew that it wouldn't, I would rather die - But also I know that I'd just sit like everyone else, not knowing the truth (Or caring).

People are stressed.. Post traumatic stressed.. All they do is distract and soothe, relieve pain, find comfort, chase pleasure.. But all of that is fine.. Maybe I'm overthinking again..

Some people are labelled with numbers, or have curses, or have illnesses, differences, disabilities, never in the same location.. We are to find the location that brings unity..

I listen to everyone.. But I'm tired of being dragged into the wrong places (Even by myself, at times).. I'm trying to find unity within myself (That's what I NEED). So I have to go away, and be quiet, away from toxic people.. But no one is perfect.. I'm not perfect.. And never will be.. The world is imperfectly perfect, yeah.. It's what ever I want.. But there's a problem..

I think you're right (About the mindless things, to keep me content.. Or some hobbies.. But isn't driving myself nuts my hobby? It's what I've always done..).. Do I regret that? Idk..

It's so simple.. It's so simple..

Edit: I can't do this

Edit: Fine.. I can.. Whatever.. I'll go to sleep..

I'm in a ****ing tangled web that I made for myself and I need to get out

God! How disturbing is that?

I put in an application at Walmart. Just on the off chance that they actually do set schedules. I’m still working at Burlington but don’t plan on leaving unless I find some place I get hired at the ALSO agrees to do set schedules or if my manager finally does his job and makes a schedule for me instead of calling me randomly multiple times a week to come in at varying hours.

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Also put in an application at Five and Below

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I started the propranolol today. I can take it every day up to two times a day for anxiety but I’m probably just gonna only take it before work or anything that gives me severe anxiety. I just took one now so I can get familiar with how it effects me , in case it has any side effects I didn’t want to take it for the first time before work in case I have any side effects.

I did take it years and years ago but I forget

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This lady I know from a day treatment program I was in several years ago I ran into her today. It has been a couple years since I saw her. She asked how old I am now and I said 29. And she asked if I had a kid and she was surprised because I’m 29 and don’t have a kid.

Like I don’t have any plans to have kids. I never have lol Why do people think you automatically have to have kids and have them by a certain age

Not everyone wants kids. I’m not the type that could handle that responsibility. I don’t deal well with stress to begin with. That would make me so unstable.

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Oh I get it. I’m turning 35 at the end of the month and I’m always asked about a husband and kids.

Like no? Leave me alone I don’t want kids and I’m single. ‘Oh you might change your mind’ - **** off.

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I try not to weigh myself because of anorexia, but I have to start weighing myself to track my health in case I do have like Crohn’s or something.

I weighed myself like a month or so ago? Apparently instead of gaining a bunch of weight like I thought I’ve lost like 7lbs.

We’ll see how much I weigh in a while. All this bloating and food stuff is eating at me and my anorexic brain is feeding off it.

Like I feel terrible so I don’t want to eat anything. It’s frustrating because I know I need to eat. I’m cutting out dairy, carbonated beverages, and artificial sweeteners to see if that makes me feel better. If not… well.

I think I’ll call the gastro doc on Monday see if I can get an in person appointment soon instead of a phone call Oct 12. It’s gone from just having lactose intolerance to iron deficiency, and now bloating and feeling sick when eating.

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Anyway, going to this vegan festival later today. Just something to do. It’s free to attend. Might find something in the market or find something from a food stall. Gluten free and vegan - I’m down. My sister hates anything that pretends to be meat or cheese (soy tofu, facon, vegan cheese). So we’ll see.

Like it said, it’s something to do on a Saturday. Free fun.

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