Roll Call 201

Annnd they scheduled me for another Tuesday. Tuesday the 19th and Tuesday the 26th. Wth it’s like they’re purposely scheduling me on Tuesdays because I said I’m not available on Tuesdays.

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I should probably schedule my flu shot soon especially since I’m working now and handling peoples things and cash etc.

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When I worked at a café I definitely was handling cash a lot more and people's credit cards and what not, so I always felt like being extra cautious with physical health stuff was important. Although these days at the café I used to work at they have a lot of ways to pay without the associate or barista having to handle credit cards (unless the customer wants to pay cash). But yeah, I didn't get a flu shot this year and I paid for it (I didn't get all that sick though so I'm not sure it was the flu in reality).

I bought a keurig with some of my paycheck

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Here it is

Heading out in an hour to work

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Brilliant! Amazing! Day!

Good day at work.. I wanted to go to sleep, waking up feeling the same (In the morning), and I am!... But I knew that it would happen..

That's very weird.. This is the first time.. Cuz before, I was like "I wish I woke up feeling this good in the morning, but I know I won't"..

And I have good energy.. Dextroamphetamine is a somewhat good antidepressant too.

I am free.. Many deep philosophical thoughts, continue.. And I guess the Invega (If it works?), is a miracle drug.. And that's why it costs 3 thousand dollars a shot. And an extra monthly bottle supplement is like 200 dollars.

I stopped the olanzepine though.. 10mg.. For a few months..

Now I have to do things (Now that I'm at home).. But not sure what.. I wanted to play guitar.. But I just want to relax.. I need people around me.. Attend to interests and goaallss.. idk.. I try.

Just got home from work. I was in the back today cause they needed help with tagging items in the stock room. So that’s what I did today. I have tomorrow off. Then Sunday I have to be there for inventory , same thing Monday. I should have Tuesday off once they fix my schedule since I volunteer that day then I have work Wednesday I believe too.

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My legs hurt, my back hurts and my feet hurt lol. I’m using muscles I rarely used for 10 years standing for 7 or more hours a day. I feel like I’ll get in better shape because of this job.

Anyway, time flew in the back today. Like it went by so much faster than it does up front when I’m cashiering. Plus you don’t have to deal with customers. Kinda jealous of the people that work back there regularly. I’m back to my main job as a cashier after inventory is finished Monday. I’ll be there Sunday from 6pm to 11pm then Monday 6am to 3pm (which is a long *** shift by the way, but inventory is mandatory) I’m probably barely gonna get any sleep Sunday night because I won’t even get home till after midnight and I’ll have to be up and on the bus by 5am for Monday’s 6am to 3pm shift. I have to talk to the person who schedules things too because I’m scheduled for Tuesday as well but I volunteer Tuesdays so they’re gonna have to change that to another day.

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Anyway, tomorrow I’m gonna enjoy my day off. I can catch up on laundry and cleaning and go to family dollar to buy some cat litter and household essentials and stop at the library to pick up my request. Practice violin a bit. Catch up on some of my shows. Maybe play magic the gathering card game with my bf. I have another violin lesson on Sunday.

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Between detox and residential I spent over a month away from home so they're taking away all of my SSI starting October and going back to July. Guess I'll just live in residential since apparently (the government seems to think) I don't have any expenses while I'm there.

That sucks

I'm allowed to be in hospital for 3 months (Before the disability stops), and then it just restarts again the next month (Once I'm back)..

But I think (If I stayed longer), the check would still come in (Cuz I still pay my mom rent).

When I was 18-20, I was like "Mom, I don't need to pay rent! I'm not there! - Why can't I just keep the money?"

I hate that I'm still immature at 27! But I'm learning =[

=]

Going to the movie theater with my friend later tonight to see the horror movie The Nun 2

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I think you’re very mature Desoxyn, I’m 29 and still feel like I’m 18 sometimes. You go to your job and do a good job and are very smart, you seem very mature to me. I feel immature still at 29 but I think most people don’t really get stuff together till they’re in their 40s or sometimes older. I really think it’s a common misconception that as soon as you’re legally an adult or even in you’re 20s that one is super mature and has everything together. I’ll probably still be figuring stuff out no matter how old I get. We constantly are learning

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I’m sorry Boots, that really sucks. It’s ridiculous what they decide expenses consist of and what people should live on in general

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Also a lot of stuff I enjoy can be seen as immature like anime , videogames, rpg board games/card games etc but I really don’t care how old I get I’ll always enjoy those things. If I live till 80 I’ll still play video games and stuff if I’m capable to at that age.

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Work just called and asked me if I wanted to come in tonight from 6pm till closing and I told them I couldn’t. I have plans with my friend. I came in literally like 5 times they randomly called me in the first week I was there. I have a life and can’t come in at the drop of a hat 100% of the time. So I told them no for this one time and they said that’s fine. They’re fixing my schedule too so Tuesdays stay open for my volunteer day.

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Here's what happened this morning (At work) - But overall, i handled it very well (IMO), and I consider today to be a very good day;

- "I'm going to tell my coworker to go **** him self and then I'll quit". - I told the coworker to not ask anymore questions (Only work related), I said "I have nothing against this family" (At the restaurant) - And they begged me to stay. I was going to tell him to go F himself lol "Don't be sad" - Do I seem sad? Idk.."

- "I'm feeling apathetic now. I don't care about anything. And I like it this way. He asked me if I worked at the other job, as soon as I walked in - And "What do you even do all day" (I remember when a friend asked me that when I was a kid?) - I'm done with this particular life. Sorry. It could get better. I'm too tired, tried too hard, did what I could ^-; Too much has happened to me. Especially recently.. Like I was trying to recover... It's impossible for any normal person to recover from the philosophical thoughts that I've been having. No one knows wtf I'm talking about when I say that nothing is actually real. And my mom.. She causes a lot of my anxiety - Just a complete control freak. It's cuz she ate a weed edible in her 20s. It's really sad to see her like this.. Why can't she just be chill and relax, but me too now.. I suppose it's okay. What do I even do all day.. idfk.. give me a break. What does everyone else do? What do animals do? What's the point of the economy? People just steal cars, shoot each other, pray to statues.. and om mantras while meditating - Go to any dimension, and there will be a stupid reality, waiting.. All vibrations, energy, frequency - Right? The sound of the rain, a cliff falling into the ocean.. It makes a sound.. What is with people caring about what others do with their lives, they want money.. And to drive an expensive sports car - "I'm the big ****! I made it in this life! I have sex and importance!" (While a stroke could happen any time, like a train passing by.. Mad house insanity - Window by window, reflecting nonsense in each one.. Nothing, but a hammer hitting a nail, in the coffin of this existence, floating in the river, to destinations of no central nervous system, just awareness - Forever, morphing in patterns, changing..)".

- "I was joking about my mom being a control freak - It was a joke! Christ.. I'll get better! I am 1% INFP (Google that) male - No one.. Has been this sensitive to every thing! And the planet, in space.. Flying.. Anyways, things will get better. If people leave me alone, and stop asking judgemental, stupid, narcissistic questions".

INFP Personality Type: The Mediator

My sister said;

"(To me), You can’t let other people who have no business wasting your energy get in your head so much. You are so much more than this person is making you feel. You know exactly who you are, and you have lots of interests and that’s not something that you need to prove or justify to someone you work with. But stay calm.. it’s okay, coworkers suck most of time. Just brush it off. I love you❤️"

Had a good time at the movies with my friend seeing the Nun 2. Now just relaxing and am gonna watch an episode of an anime with my bf

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Also my keurig was delivered tonight, super excited. And I got a padlock/key set for my work locker

I can't do anything anymore. My confidence is knocked way down.

I think about eternal existence. And it's horrifying.

Euphoriants don't help anymore.

It's the darkest low of my life (Philosophically).

I'll sleep.. and wake up with more horrors.

They still haven’t changed the Tuesday thing they said they’d change it tonight.

Sunday/mondays gonna suck. I’m not gonna be able to sleep between shifts because it takes me like an hour to get there and an hour to get back. So I have enough time to get home Sunday and shower around 12:30 in the middle of the night then head out again at 4:40am.