Roll Call 201

I was drinking again some more but I hate it really I do. It doesn’t make me feel good. Only for a moment.

So I’m trying again to be sober from alcohol.

I cut myself off from caffeine four days ago and that’s going good.

I have naturopath tomorrow (telling me my food sensitivity results) then physio on Wednesday. CT scan Wednesday night. Then next week a bunch of appointments.

I’m going to contact my tattoo artist to reschedule my butterfly tattoo. Hopefully get that soon (but not too soon because I have to wait to get paid first lol).

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I’m also trying cut back on caffeine. I’m not cutting it completely out. But I do need to cut it wayyyyy down because I overdo it every single day and drink like 5-6 cups a day. Ideally I’d like to get down to one a day in the mornings. It’s hard because it’s like my default drink. Black coffee. Like you I’ve also made myself physically sick from too much coffee on multiple occasions (not any time recently) I enjoy it more than water. Unless I’m really thirsty or hot/sweating, then I enjoy water. I’d be curious to see what effects cutting back long term would have on my anxiety.

Hope being sober from alcohol goes well and hope your appointments go well too!

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I was thinking of getting a hydro flask water bottle. They’re really supposed to be good quality long lasting water bottles that keep your drink cold for very long periods of time. So I’m considering getting one. I’m weird in that I need external motivation to drink water so having a new water bottle is the type of thing that typically gets me to drink more water. And I need one anyway because I don’t have a good reusable water bottle.

Good morning, woke up exactly when I set my alarm to seconds before it went off (5am).

Going grocery shopping later. Then have an appointment with my therapist in the afternoon.

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Was able to pick up my meds yesterday, starting olanzapine tonight. Almost got arrested this morning so that was fun. Seeing shadows/hearing things. Scared of every little noise.

Saw a snowshoe hare this AM. Fking thing was like two feet long.

Hope the meds help!

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I got a jug of apple cider, pumpkin spice coffee creamer, and apple cider donuts!

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cars keep going past my house and it keeps startling me

Had a good, long sleep. Feeling good.

I see psychiatrist in 2 weeks. Don't need meds changed - Not sure what to say.

Still no more daily olanzepine! That's awesome.

I have a really bad memory now though. The world is super nuts - I'm just going along with it.

My appointment with my therapist was good. I told her about becoming the talent captain at work. We mostly talked about work and how crazy it is that I got that additional/higher position so fast at my job. She was super happy to hear about and and surprised too because a month and a half ago I didn’t even have a job and this is my first job. So weird how it happened so fast. So she said she was super proud of me. She is going to tell my former psychiatrist about it too because she knows she would love to hear such good news about me too. So yeah, I talked about how stressful it is sometimes especially the cashier portion and how some days I want to walk out and quit on the spot but I keep pushing through and she said that was very admirable and to be proud of myself. Thats mostly what we talked about was work because I’m doing fine as far as mental health symptoms go, I have anxiety lately but it’s work related and all my other symptoms are under control with my meds.

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I have work tomorrow from 10am to 3pm. I have a couple boxes of protein bars in my cabinet now so I’m gonna bring one to work. I don’t get a lunch break tomorrow because I’ll only be there 5 hours but I get a 15 minute break and I’ll eat it on that. Don’t work Thursday. Friday I work from 7:30pm to 11:30pm. I’ll get home sometime after midnight once I get off the bus

Next week I work Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday doing talent captain stuff. I might try to pick up one or two more shifts that week too doing cashiering.

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I'm so stupid. I can't do anything.

Let me jump into infinity. I'm already in here. I want to get out.

I tried. I'm so lost. I don't make sense.

My dreams last night were so boring. I was buying groceries. Flying across Hawaii in a jet back, smoking weed. I was like "I remember our last vacation here" (I've never been there).

**** this. DEATH IS WHAT I WANT. Lol.

I hate.. Idk? What do I hate..

I'm ok.. I'm ok...

I just need to.. Drag myself out of this thorny bush.. Or barbed wire.. Where do I find medical supplies for my mind?

The wounds... and deeper than scrapes.. But not organs bleeding..

Of my mind.

So that's that. I will continue (For now - As I wouldn't say "For now", fearing that I'd jinx it - But it keeps happening, so the jinx doesn't matter anymore - As scientific evidence proves it..)..

Ah.. I have tinnitus.. Ringing in the ears..

I am incredibly sick of journaling but I feel like I need to do it or something...

I just wanna write my novel. I don't know. Work is fine and all, I have some work, but I just wanna be a creative! Is there something wrong with that? I just wonder, I guess no one really tells me I ought to be a creative and I already have trouble with decision-making, so then does that make me incapable of being a creative? I say no. But it is sometimes really hard when others are "opaque."

Just decided to write two sentences in my journal. That is it. No more, no less.

On my 15 min break. One hour and 15 min left to go after this.

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Sorry meant to say one hour 10 minutes

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Done. Waiting for the bus to go home. Was on the sales floor the whole day putting items from receiving on shelves. Then I watched a 5 minute training video before I left.

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It’s 85 degrees. It’s wayyy too hot for October. I’m sitting at the bus stop burning up in the sun wearing a long sleeved shirt. Got like 25 minutes till the bus comes

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I’m home now. And relaxing in the AC. Wearing my new strawberry frog shirt that just arrived from Hot Topic

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Is there a reason you have to journal, is your therapist or pyschiatrist requiring it? Could you instead spend time writing your novel since you enjoy that more

My new shirt

Was thinking of buying a new laptop but instead I bought a replacement charger for my current one since the old one broke and am gonna get the battery replaced professionally at a computer place. Then it will be good as new. Plus it's only 3 years old. Would be stupid to buy a new laptop when I just got this one for $900 three years ago which is a lot of money. Also gonna clean the screen and put a blue light blocking glass screen protector on it.

I bought 1296x pieces of 4mg nicotine gum on Amazon for 200 dollars. It would have costed 1200 dollars.

I will quit soon..

Have today off. Have a meeting with my program manager @1pm. Other than that plan on practicing violin, taking a shower , and just enjoy the day off