Roll Call 201

Got my butterfly tattoo tonight!

The pic is fresh with the bandage on it (SecondSkin) so it’s a little funny looking with blood. But I love it.



It’s by my right ankle. Can’t wait for it to heal to get a better pic of it.

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Look who's up at 7:30am!

On medicinal stims, and will travel deeper into the mountains to stay in a hotel resort (That my mom will manage) - The car ride will be nice, to listen to some podcasts, maybe read..

Then I'll just chill all day, while she's at work =]

I wish a good day for you all.

I have work tonight from 5pm to 9pm. I took my 20mg of propranolol and it calmed down a lot of the anxiety.

Then tomorrow I work from 11am to 3pm. Then I’m done with work for the week. Get three days off in a row. I’m gonna go to my friends house on Sunday and we’re gonna play some card games (Digimon, and battle spirits) then I have a violin lesson that afternoon. I’m also gonna paint more of my miniature figures for my descent tabletop rpg board game since I got new paint for them. That’s a really relaxing hobby. It’s nice to do it while listening to music.

I’m ready for tomorrow at 3pm. Cause then I’m off till Monday.

I have an appointment with my therapist next week, I plan on discussing the stress I’m dealing with at work and how to deal with that

I did many things today!! Even though I fell asleep.. My mom told me to drink a coffee (I ordered a "Mocha" - Very stimulating.. Nicely..)...

I think maybe I’ve been dealing with some hypomania. Sleeping less is one thing.

But it’s nothing too bad. I’ve got tattoos I’ve wanted (six little ones in a month and a half) which isn’t bad per say but it’s just money. Cut myself a little short.

But I’m feeling pretty stable and taking a break. Saving money now.

But I’m dreaming of getting more tattoos. Maybe a couple piercings. Maybe dye my hair a fun color like purple.

Reinvent myself into a gamer goth girl.

I made a couple wish lists at some stores. Makeup, clothes, shoes. Not bought anything though. Just dreaming of when I do have more money.

I feel good about things.

I was worried about depression going into fall/winter but I guess I’m having the opposite problem.

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Work was fine. People there gossip about everyone. I know they do it about me too but I don’t really care anymore. Like people are always gonna talk **** there’s nothing you can really do about it. Anyway today I was training a new cashier. Hectic was an understatement. There were so many shoppers. I got stuck with a lady who who bought $700 plus worth of stuff. The stuff there isn’t very expensive so yeah it was a ton of stuff. Then I did some recovery on the sales floor. My back hurts. I’m just gonna keep going and doing my best. I have work tomorrow from 11am to 3pm. It’s going on 9:30pm now. Im waiting for the bus to go home

Now that I’m the talent captain I have a set schedule, so I work every Monday, Wednesday and Thursday. Every week. At the same times. Mondays and Thursdays 11am to 3pm and wednesdays 5pm to 9pm. That is set in stone now. Which is a nice perk of this position. My schedule wont be totally unpredictable like it used to be. I can actually schedule things in my life now like things to do on my days off because they are set days off and I can schedule appointments without worrying about work interfering. Occasionally they might ask me to come in an extra day to pick up a shift but those three days every week are set.

Oh yeah and just my luck is that Halloween falls on a guess what? A Tuesday, I don’t work Tuesdays!!! I was hoping for Halloween off and I got it.

It's crazy how much my mood can change from day to day. The day before yesterday I was feeling absolutely despondent about work and hopeless and overwhelmed and stressed. Today I feel fine. I think I'm coming more to the acceptance that it's probably always gonna be somewhat stressful and that coworkers aren't always gonna be people I like, as far as worrying aboout what others are saying or thinking about me I really don't care now. Like it doesn't affect me. I'm there to do my job, it's not a social contes and it's not high school (despite a lot of the employees being right out of high school). The manager wouldn't have made me the talent captain f they were unhappy with me. I'm gonna be responsible for training people, interviewing people, picking which ones to pass on to the hiring manager to be hired and running job orientations. Which is a lot of responsibility. But I'm proud of myself. I'm just feeling realistic about it. It's really good experience to put on a resume some day. I'm hoping to keep the job for a couple years

Ugh. Didn’t sleep. It’s 4am. I have to walk to CVS before work to pick up my meds. I have to head to the bus stop for work around 9:40am.

Glad I get paid tomorrow morning. Gonna splurge on a lot of groceries. Getting stuff to make the Big Mac sloppy joe recipe , and stuff to make a sheet pan chicken fajita and veggies bake.

I regret not going to sleep. I just couldn’t wind down last night but now I feel like crap because I’m so tired, it’s too late to go to sleep now though. I would take a day off but I took a day off a couple weeks ago and I don’t have enough paid sick time to get paid for the full four hour shift. Kinda annoying because I have 3 hours of paid sick time available and half an hour of regular paid time off available. But the shift is 4 hours. So it wouldn’t cover it completely. I’d be short 30 minutes

Todays gonna suck. I’m so freaking tired right now. I’ve been up for 26 hours. By time I get off work I’ll have been up 34 hours. I really want to call in but I’m scared to because I took a day off a couple weeks ago.

I’m just gonna go, I don’t want to rack up points for absences

Would it be bad to have taken two sick days the first two full months I’ve been there? I’m really debating on taking today off. But I don’t want there to be negative consequences. I just feel horrible from sleep deprivation and need to get my sleep schedule back on track

I went to CVS and they weren’t open for some reason even though they’re open every day at 7am. It’s 8 and there was no lights on in there, door wasn’t open. And no sign on the door saying why. Idk what was up with that. But I wasted an hour of my morning doing that and obviously wasn’t able to get my anxiety med refill

Nevermind, I am gonna go to work today. I want to keep my attendance good. I can do it.

Oh yeah I got two discount cards they gave employees to give to family members, so I am giving one to my sister and one to my niece so they can get a discount every time they buy stuff there. I have my own employee ID badge I can use to get my own discount for me when I shop there.

The pharmacy hasn't put my meds into the online prescription website so I can't see them. My psychiatrist forgot to add diazepam. I have many benzos anyways (But most aren't legitimately made).

It seemed to my mom like I had dementia last night. I was sitting there, not knowing what to do. After asking ChatGPT psychosis questions. I took 5mg of olanzepine and went to sleep.

My mom is having meetings in the hotel (Through Teams), and her voice drove me nuts all morning. I have my noise canceling earbuds in now.. There's a snow storm, so we could be stuck 3 hours away, in the middle of the Rocky Mountains.

I'm worn out.. I would trip so hard if it weren't for my tachycardia.

Work was good. I sat in on some interviews so I could learn how to interview people. Also ran returns back onto the sales floor. And was the door person/loss prevention for like 15 minutes too while the loss prevention person took their 15 minute break.

Life is complete.

Now what do I do..

I just want to not exist lol.. Or soothe in a ketamine unconsciousness, with some music - For millions of years. But that's what I am doing.

Pain happens.. And hell will happen..

It just continues.. Continueeesss. And I want a stop. There must be something going on badly with my inner and outer self.

This is fine. I guess. I don't know. Life is going alright. I am continuing to write metaphysical reflections. I write philosophy occasionally. I don't know if I'd ever be accepted into a philosophy PhD program or something of the like, but I don't really care, honestly (I do though). I just know my parents would be totally against the idea. I don't make much money. That's kind of a problem. I need to make money. Tutoring is bad. I don't know. It's kind of alright though. The problem is the currency I get paid in is getting severely devalued. And there's not a whole lot of hope for that. But that's alright. All in all, I am doing well. I have a girlfriend, so that's cool. I decided I probably will not finish my MA. I will take the option to just get an MA without a dissertation I suppose. They kind of manipulated me at that university into thinking that I had unlimited time to finish the dissertation. Then about six months ago (maybe shorter, I can't remember), they were like, oh hey, do you need an extension because it's due in September. I can't remember their exact words of course. But it surprised me. I thought I trusted them but I now totally do not. Anyway, now I have an extension until March. I don't know! It's so difficult to consider doing even the slightest bit of work on it!